maureenD's Journal

i need to vent...i'm in the worst mood and shouldn't be! My brother just had a baby today! yay right? i'm an aunt, but yet i'm so angry. Please understand that i want to be so happy for him, but i cant... for some background my family sucks...i mean with me...i wish i had a closer family and i think they might be close i'm just not part of it! i don't know why, or what i did somewhere along the way but i've always been treated like the black sheep. nothing i ever do is good enough, and i never compare or match up to my siblings. i work hard, have a good husband, a good job, a house, etc but still something is not enough for them. no one ever supports me, no one talks to me, they keep me out of everything, when my sister comes to visit with the baby they don't even call to tell me...if you read one of my first posts, i had to keep quiet the first time i was pregnant because my sister was due soon and my mom told me too. then i miscarried and everyone in my family didn't even know i was pregnant. no one even talked to me about it, miscarring is a hard thing to go through, but especially hard when you can't lean on your family...but when i was finally pregnant i had to be careful to tell people again...mom knows best right, she's always telling me what to do like i'm a kid still, i get no adult respect or support, i know i'm the baby of the family but i'm 25 years old!!! anyway most people knew by the middle of June, come 4th of july i find out my brother is also pregnant with his wife...yay! i wanted to be so excited that we could share this experience, but got instantly angry when i found out i was the last to know... they didn't want to tell me...what!??!?! i don't care that we would share, but mommy who knew best decided that for me! please control my life some more. 

so in like december i finally felt like people maybe cared a little, and when jack was born i did get some congrats, but i was always bothered by the fact that the whole time i was pregnant my mom would talk to me and sometimes not even ask how i was feeling, my sister who had just been pregnant never called, or offered advice..thanks! in the 8 weeks that we've shared with Jack, my mom does come usually once a week for an hour or so but my brother has seen him 3-4 times, his wife once, my one sister twice, my other once, my dad 3 times...this is my family. my mom, sister and brother live within a mile of me, my other sister only an hour away, and brings her son all the time to visit. if it wasn't for my sister-in-law's baby shower she wouldn't have seen him at all!!! they don't call to ask how we are, don't seem interested in him nothing, it breaks my heart! i always wanted a close family, and they seem close, just not with me!

So back to today, my brother's wife had a blood clot, very scary, she was induced this morning and wasn't able to get an epidural until 6pm tonite, had the baby around 9. thankfully everyone is okay, healthy etc. and she did get to have the meds so yay! i'm talking to my mom and saying how lucky they are and how exciting for them to now be able to experience parenthood. how it's all worth it etc. my mom then puts her 2 cents in and tells me that i need to keep my experience to myself, that i shouldn't compare, and that the sister in law doesn't need to know about what i did, because her's is different! blah blah, i'm not trying to compare i'm just saying you know...i'm trying to be included, be a part of things, why is that so hard. i made one comment about how jack was born 2lbs, 2oz, 2in bigger than her boy, and my mom starts lecturing!! alright already, i give up i can't win. then she goes on to lecture about jack's weight (side note, he went to the doctor and is now 15lb 2oz yikes!) i am now freaking out that i overfeed him after my mom made me feel crappy about it! anyway...

my brother and i used to be so close, but now..ehhh...he sent pictures to my sisters, called my mom, and did nothing about telling me...nice! i started to say i'd be more than happy to help anyway i can, i just went through this 8 weeks ago right? it's all fresh, but who gives a shit about it! my family could care less. Jack is officially as non-existent as i am, he had a brief window of life in my family, and now the focus is on her, their new family, how lucky she is to be alive, and the pain she suffered without the meds today, what a strong girl she is..blah blah...just because i got an early epidural doesn't mean i was partying while i was delivering! but apparently mine was nothing and can no longer be referenced! i can no longer mention jack in anyway to anyone i guess...no one wants to hear about me, it's all about her now, quiet maureen! but when jack does get brought up no one has a problem bringing up my sisters baby, and what she did or is doing, perfect first child! only son...middle sister, theres room for all of them, but no room for me!

i feel the worst for jack, no matter how angry i get they are still my family i want him to know them for them to love him, to love me, to love my husband, and embrace my life, i'm not crazy thinking that am i? why is that so difficult, why can't we all share in parenthood pros and cons, why can't i give advice to my brother, why can't i talk to my sister, why can't they ask about or care about jack?

Now it's about super mom and her superior delivery that should be on the news or something...people get induced everyday, some don't get epidurals at all, it's childbirth, get over it! be happy for her, proud of her yes, but be happy that the baby is here and healthy, be happy that our family is growing, and want to share experiences with everyone! support everyone equally...or even at all! 

maybe it is me, maybe i'm selfish in what i think or want, but if it weren't for all the bad that continues to come through i don't think i would think this stuff.

after all of this i will still put in the effort they don't, try to get in to my own family! john says i should give up, but it's not that easy, it's not his family. his family is there always, he doens't understand what it's like! i just want to be loved by them, for who i am, and what i've done in my life. i want them to love jack as much as they do danny, and now logan, why can't that be?

my stomach is sick over this, i'd love to say something, but who would listen, it just makes things worse, they always find some way to turn it on me, and i certainly can't speak up now during her time! how dare i be so selfish...

Anyway thanks for letting me vent, please know i am not a mean person, sometimes i think i'm too nice...i am so happy for him, and to be an aunt, i just hope things change...they won't but i hope. So please think happy thoughts for new Logan 7lbs 6oz, 21in. ( :

i'm going to go try to sleep and hold my bundle, at least i know i love him!