SageM's Journal

Oh I have been so tired lately!  It is kind of driving me nuts.  Waiting for my stomach to calm down so I can take my doxy.

My roses are looking a lot better.  After only two days of following the directions I got out of the gardening book my dad gave me a third of the plant looks perfectly healthy and beautiful!  My dad brought me some Tiger Lily seeds and some roots.  He isn't sure the roots with do anything but we are trying.  So we planted those tonight.  Oh and my moss is spreading and these little plants that I do not like are germating!  They are better in a pot I think.  I just do not bend so well and to have to be constantly doing maintance on these tiny little things (and there is a few of them left...the others dies...hurray!) is frustrating.  When I get do get down there I prun things, cut things back, pull dead leaves, dig out grass blades if some prop up here and there and pull weeds if there are any etc...so having to constantly be on guard with these little things is annoying!  Dont mind doing extra work for my roses and lilys and the plants I really love but I do not really love these things!  Their cute but probably wont come back next year anyways...one can hope!

We were going to go to fireworks today because there is a show that happens tonight instead of the fourth of July, but we had Layne over so he stayed til almost dark and my mom did not know where the place is so we didnt go.  It isnt a big deal maybe some people with light some cool ones in the neighborhood this year.  I never get to go do these things I guess thats why I hate holidays.  Dont have many friends and they usually are off with their boyfriends or their group of friends and dont think to invite me so I am usually home for halloween, fourth of july etc and I enjoy going to light shows, haunted houses etc and havent been to one in a long long long long time.

My sister Fawn was really nice about the e-mail I sent her.  She said she thought I was over analyzing the situation though.....then she came here to drop of Layne and talked about what she said in the e-mail and I said yes I know I do that but I worry because the things I mentioned in the e-mail ALWAYS happen.  It isnt like I am just thinking that it is going to happen or worrying what they think or anything.  It does happen.  So then she said well ignore them or come get me...or lie and make up an answer....like being avasive saying things like Oh I am taking time for school instead of getting a job....boys are evil havent you heard?  So no boyfriend etc she gave me a lot of ideas to what to say instead.  I guess I got into the habit of telling the truth because I always kept my health secret...kept it hidden for a long long long time and was in denial myself for quite a few years but it doesnt have to be all or nothing.  To people who will only be at a party once a year I dont really need to talk to that much or explain things etc.  Not sure how to deal with my family members who are mean to me though.  Mainly Addie is my main concern.  But maybe one day in a few years when I am older or something or she isnt so focused on her crap of a husband and her wonderful hyper children she will get it.

Oh and my hormones are acting up.  I kind of figured that out when I was trying to sleep and couldnt and the things that were running through my head were all negative and bad.  Yes it will suck if what we are doing doesnt help my health but we can do this again and again and if no luck we have some other options I suppose.  I just get worried because I like independence, it would be wonderful to have my license and to not worry about getting a ride to here or there when I want to spend some money or just need to go for a drive or something.  Like now I have enough money for one of my moms presents and I have no way of going and getting it.  I asked Sadie if she could take me sometime (she will forget) and I think Christa might be mad at me for not calling her back the other night. (she gave me attitude so wasnt planning on calling her back but really I fell asleep)  I'd like to completely focus on drivers test and school but I need a mind!  So CFS give me my mind back!  I liked it!  It was good and smart before now where did it go???

Need to get my hormones fixed!  Cant keep living like this.  It drives me nuts and I am sure drives everyone else nuts to!  Am not mean usually depressed and sad and crying a lot!

And I want to thank everyone who commented on my journal last night.  Or for Jazzy it would be about two maybe 3 days ago!  You all really helped me a lot and I really appreciate it.  It is wonderful to come on here and know people always always understand and you dont even have to over explain things or feel like you are in a debate or something...you just get it and that means a lot to me! I love all of you even those who did not get a chance to comment on my jouranl.  Love all of my friends!

About me:  My dad has a red beard and yellow hair like I have said but his eyes change colors as well.  I like things like that in my family because everyone is so so so so so so different from one person to the next it is strange but we all have common ground and the same sense of humor when it comes to certain things.