Maika's Journal

Sorry I have not been on daily strength lately.  I suppose it was another subconscience way to avoid being me.  Somedays I think my health problems don't define me, other days I think they smother me and render me useless.

Yesterday, useless was my word for the day.  I thought about who I am and words like independant, determined, self supporting, provider, hyper, go getter blaw blaw blaw came to mind.  Then I snap back to reality and I lay in bed in agony.  Exhausted by the pain of getting up fearing another seizure if I exert myself and wondering why the hell I am still alive?  I am just a huge useless burden.  Emotional and economically dragging my family down.  I have no place anymore.  My life is empty I hate myself. 

Yeah, yesterday was a crap day.  They say keeping a journal helps but you know what Admitting how down I am is making me feel like crap all over again. 

My siezures are back since my fall at work but WSIB says cause I have fibro., epilepsy and prior back problems it isn't there problem.  Nice.  I am glad that I am written off by society.  Atleast I know where I stand.  they agree, I am just a broken burden.

FABULOUS.

Yeah, I am angry, frustrated and every negative emotion you can think of today.  I think I better shut up for now.  Maybe that was the vent I needed and I can snap out of my rut.

Sorry for sounding like a loon, jsut sick of being useless