auntshawn's Journal

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Lost my Mom who was one of my best friends, December of 2004. She suffered with colon cancer in 97, went thru treatments and was cancer free (after treaments) for 5 years. THEN she was diagnosed with intestinal and inoperable liver cancer. She was a fighter but had a car accident in early Dec. of 04 and could not take 2 of her chemo treatments. On Dec. 22nd, 2004 she passed away. The nurse told me that she was fortunate that her mind had "quit" before the tumor started to expand. She went into the hospital on the 19th of Dec. and became incoherant before that day ended. I stayed with her until the evening before she passed I just needed a break. Sister came and sat with her and called to say she was gone, in the night. My Brother couldn't come when I called to tell him about Moms condition, but he did call and we held the phone to her ear so he could tell her he loved her. Broke my heart to hear my Brother sobbing.  Miss her still! I feel she is in a better place. Just sometimes I want to call and get her advice or just vent and I can't do that because SHE IS GONE!!! Sucks big time!!!

I am the oldest of 4 children. I am the only one who lives near my Dad. After Mom passed and everyone went home, I was thrust into caregving mode BIG TIME! This man has been my Dad since I was 5 yrs old. He abused my sister and I when we were young. He was not kind to my Mom and I resented him for this for years.  AND Now I was the only support he had.  I prayed for strength to do what needed to be done. I prayed for forgivness to enter my heart. I prayed that he would die and Mom could come live with us. Not the person I wanted to be < just a stressed out grieving daughter. I got thru the turmoil and decided that I had to help him because I wasn't going to be a hateful spirit. SO, I would check on him , by phone, everyday. Panic if he didn't answer and run over to the house to see what was up. He'd be napping!  This went on few a few weeks after Mom passed. I began to realize that his health ws just getting worse and worse. So I started taking time off work to go to Dr. appt's with him. One day he called and sounded so weak that I wnet and took him to ER. He ended up over a period of 3 months>>  having a heart attack, almost died and had to be put on a vent. tube, lost the lower half of his right leg, spent about a month and a half in a skilled nursing facility, lost his left big toe, the list is longer, but you get my drift>>>he was in cruddy shape. Diabetes, high blood pressure, obese, and congestive heart failure are just a few of his ailments.  I think Mom was keeping him alive. He has since gotten well wnough to move into low income elderly housing and has amini-van set up with hand controls so he can take himself to Walmart, Dr appt.'s visiting freinds, etc.... I wonder now if God wanted me to witness the torture Dad went thru so I could forgive him about the abuses he inflicted on us when we were kids.  NO matter , I think he has suffered enough. AND I'll be OK!

2 Sisters and Brother won't even speak to Dad. They all live at least 4 hours away, but I wish they could find it in thier hearts to call or send a letter. I think he did what he knew how to do when we were young.

I swear on MOMS grave my children will never need to feel this way about me. Mom couldn't bring herself to leave the situation, but she taught me that I don't have to put up with anything, from anyone, anymore!!