momof477's Journal

My therapist gave me "homework" to do tonight,,,urg,,,she wanted me to write a letter to ten year old "me" and say anything I wanted to....She said that I needed to face what happened to me as a child...I was sexually abused by over 150 men and my bio mom from the ages of 9-13.  I was also held down and shot up with heroine at the age of 9 and that also started a four year drug addiction with all drugs you can think of,,,crack, coke, alcohol, acid, etc....I just wanted to share with you the letter I wrote to myself.....

Dear 10 yr old Jackie,
 I just want to let you know that you are not alone in this world.  A lot of other girls are going through the same things you are.  Other children also have mothers that don't really love them, and step fathers that do truely nasty and harmful things to them.  They also have fathers that do this stuff to them.  But your father would never do these things to you, you have nothing to worry about regarding sex and drugs with your real father.  You are an awesome little child.  Your heart truely is pure, and you really are still so innocent.  These things being done to you are NOT your fault.  You did NOT ask for this when you wanted to come live with your mother.  You had dreams of being a real family with a mommy, a daddy, a sister, I know that.  I understand why you feel so alone.  We all do.  You are such a pretty little girl with your long brown hair and big hazel eyes... You will not be ruined by this.  You will grow up to be a strong and sensitive woman.  You will have children, and eventually you will have a husband who will love you regardless of what's happening to you.  He will love you for you, not what you were, have been , or will be.  He'll love you for who you are inside.  He will cherish you, protect you, and make you feel special and so very loved.  You may doubt him at times,,,it's understandable with what you are going through. But you will make it.  By the Grace of God you will make it.  God is with you right now, he's holding your hand through all of this.  He is NOT allowing this to happen to you.  The devil is making these people act evil and ugly.  They are the ones who need to choose to have God in their lives, or the devil will run rampant through their souls.  God will always be with you, and will help you through your most horrifying moments.  When things are happening to you, just close your eyes and think of God and his heavenly angels surrounding you.  Think of what Heaven will look like when you finally grow old and leave this evil world behind.  Yes,  people like us do STILL get to go to Heaven.  Heaven is open to all of God's precious people.  We are still good and pure in God's eyes.  He does not hold any of this against us.  The decisions aren't ours to make, the adults are making these decisions for us.  When you are able to finally break free from this hold that Satan has put on your family. You will get to run into your papa's arms again.  Yes, your papa will hold you and rock you , sing to you, read his Bible to you....You will NEVER feel alone again.  Your papa will make sure of that....Even later in life, when he is dead and buried, he will still be with you constantly,,,,in your heart, soul, and mind, protecting you and comforting you when no one else will try to make the energy to do it......Papa will always be available for his "baby girl".....  Love, 30 yr old Jackie