momof477's Journal

Journal Entry for October 19, 2007 Mood

Friday, October 19, 2007

I'm just going to try to do the best I can and I will be careful of details. I am going to try to input everyday to get things out, but it may be slow...sorry. I will start with this......My biological mother left my father when I was three months old and my sister was 3. My father worked in the oil field as a roustabout and so he was gone seven days a week, sometimes sixteen hours a day. My grandparents kept us, and my father kept living in town. We lived in the house that I live in now. It is comfortable to me, and it's home.... Life was good for the most part. I have small little memories of me in those younger days, but not many. My grandmother was extremely reserved, and if you even came to her with a scraped knee, you were told to "buckle up and take it". There were no "get well kisses for your boo boo's". My grandfather on the other hand was a gentle, layed back, loving man. We mainly went to him for our hurts and thoughts. He understood more. He never rolled his eyes or looked down his nose at my sister and I. My sister remembered our mother, but I did not. We hadn't seen her since she left. I knew my grandmother and grandfather loved us each their own ways. My father made a lot of promises that were never kept. His bar trips and bar women were always more important. He was married and divorced seven times by the time I was eight years old. My grandfather worked in the oil field also and work alot of hours, but he was in a supervisory position and could take my sister and I with him into the field. My sister was more, dainty, girly girl, didn't wanna get dirty, and I was tomboy all the way. I would love to get down into the pits of oil and come out looking like a half dunked skunk. That was what my papa always called me. lol....Well when I was eight, my mother called and wanted to meet with my sister and I again. My sister was overjoyed and I was too. I really had a mother? What was she like? Was she pretty? Did her hair and eyes match mine? Would we make mud pies together? All the things a litttle girl who didn't know her mother would ask herself questions like these. I was nervous when she came to see us the first time, and I got extremely shy. I hid behind my papa, and my gramma pulled me from him by my shoulders and told me to stop acting stupid, this was my mother and I needed to visit with her.... I remember her long black hair was parted in the middle. She reminded me of the hippies I'd seen in seventies movies, and I thought she was a movie star. She was skinny and pretty. Her makeup looked really good. That first meeting and visit with her went really good after I overcame my shyness. I started bugging my gramma and my papa that I wanted to see her again.....they would tell me soon, but it was never soon enough. Finally I asked my father one weekend if I could go stay a weekend with my mother. He said he didn't care if my grandparents didn't care. I remember my gramma sayin "she's your kids, you decide". My papa had this look on his face that I just couldn't describe to you and I begged and pleaded and used my little girl coyness to finally get him to give in. Papa had said yes. But he also informed me that he didn't like it knowing her history and that he wanted me back at a certain time and in one piece. So off I went the next weekend to stay two whole nights with the mother I'd never known.......This is where it gets a little bad and I just want to warn you that I won't go into explicit details, but some are called for.......The first night was great. I had met my mother's new husband, John. He had long hair, a bushy beard, was skinny, and reminded me of the pictures of Jesus that hung up at the church where I was raised. He cooked our food outside, and I thought that was awesome cause he actually let me stand over by him to smell the meat cook. He talked to me like I was a grown up and it made me feel important. I thought he was great. That night, he and my mom smoked a joint and I smelled it and thought it smelt funny. They lived in a travel trailor out in the middle of the woods. So my sister and I were trying to sleep in the little bedroom at the back where the bathroom was and they had a couch that turned into a bed in the front. I got up and walked into the front and asked them what that funny smell was and they said it was kinda like a cigarette, did I wanna try? I said, I guess, but Daddy would get upset. They said what happened at their house wasn't daddy's business and how would he find out? So I did it and it made me feel weird, and I went to sleep. I was only 8. Well the next night I woke up in middle of the night, and the trailer was shaking, alot. I got up and ran to my mom cause I was scared that a twister was coming. She and my step dad had no close on and I saw them. They had a porn on also. I got embarrassed and went back to bed, but couldn't sleep. I was so intrigued. I went home the next day and never said a word to anyone. I was excited, told them how much fun it was. And for weeks all I could talk about was my mom, john, how fun it was there. That they were nice. So then I started begging to live with my mother, I begged and pleaded until my dad said yes. I will stop for now, this is hard, this is where it gets disgusting and I will have to continue tomorrow.....Sorry it's so long....Jackie