jimjamieg's Journal

So, I know now where the achiness came from,I've got a serious case of allergies, I always forget how sick it makes me being around animals for too long, and because of the demolition that's been going on at my house I've had to stay at my mom's with her hairy dog and cat, when we had to live there I had pneumonia for 3 months because I had allergies so bad it was lowering my immune system and I was catching any and everything possible, then after an allergy panel they realized that I am allergic to dogs,cats,mold,dust, some kind of tree and grass, I never had any idea I had these I lived with animals all my childhood, my parents didn't believe that I was truly allergic, they still don't, I dislike their dog because he's huge and full of hair and he doesn't listen, he gets too hyper around the kids and knocks them over and he's growled at my kids and I just don't care for dogs, I really hate pet hair! My parents thought I just hate the dog and want them to get rid of him so I came up with allergies,whatever! Anyways, I have not been sick in a long time, and this is miserable, not to mention when I am sick the achiness that comes along with it is magnified and exaggerated, and the only thing I can really take is benedryl which makes me sleepy and I can't afford to be sleepy right now I've got so much to do still, my body is screaming in pain but I can't do anything about it even if I didn't have stuff to do I couldn't just go to bed,my kids wouldn't allow that! I was feeling so good before why did this have to happen, I really thought I would be able to go through the rest of this pregnancy not needing to take anything or having to deal with unbearable pain and here we go again, I did find an old prescription for some oxycodone, which I've been prescribed by my ob to take for pain, but they prescribed them for me for migraines and once the headaches went away I got rid of the presciption, it's the same medication so if things get really bad again I will take it, they told me it's safe most places I looked it's a class b, and the hospital urged me to take some if I had it before, the on-call ob that I saw said that oxycodone is ok to take as long as i'm not abusing it and I really shouldn't take it after 36 weeks, I don't know I can't go through this again,really I can't. Having that brief break was almost worse then just going on in pain, I really feel like I seriously cannot take this again, like I cannot do this, I seriously want to give up. I have never really considered killing myself(I wouldn't so don't get concerned)but sometimes I think that my kids and husband would just be better off without me, that a life without me would be better then one with me in it making everyone miserable. It's not just the pain, it's everything that goes with it. It's always having to struggle to make ends meet, it's always having to sacrafice something for something else, it's the constant feeling that you're giving it all you can and it's still not enought, it's the every day decisions I have to make that usually is something I have to deprive my family of to make ends meet up, It's me not being able to work and contribute financially to my family, it's feeling so misunderstood,it's having my pain minimized by most people in my life,it's the fact that I always am having to prove myself to someone. It's everything. Believe me I know what positive things I have in my life, and I wouldn't trade what I have for the world Iknow how lucky I am to have what I do have, but I want a better life for my kids, for my family. Is it too much to ask for a little break, to get a little guidance, a positive thing to happen to us for once? I don't like handouts and I'm proud to say that my husband fully supports our family, we deal with our own, we don't get help from anyone, not really like it's an option anyway, but is this really the way life should be, my family always tells me that this is what builds character and all young families suffer sometimes, I disagree there are too many people out there my age that aren't suffering granted they are given everything and still supported by their families or in some cases by the rest of us(goverment assistance) and have more then I ever will. How is it fair that someone who may be single and just keeps a job at mcdonalds for the sake of things,has 6 kids gets help and can buy a house and pay whatever they can afford for it, and here my husband is working himself to the bone,at his job for 12 years, can't even get freaking health insurance or help with anything, we are always told we are over the income limit, we make too much money...oh really? Too much money, my wallet seems to disagree!! Ahhh well I'm getting more pissed by the minute I better stop.