Easter Sunday and I'm here, at …
Easter Sunday and I'm here, at home! I miss being with my large family and all of the excitement of large families. …
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I HAD A REALLY BAD WEEKEND. ONCE AGAIN I WAS READY FOR MY HUSBAND TO PACK HIS SHIT AND GO. I HATE THIS GOING BACK AND FORTH, ABOUT HOW I FEEL. THIS KID HE HAS WITH THIS WOMAN, THE MERE THOUGHT MAKES MY STOMACH TURN. I WANT TO BELIEVE HE AND I CAN MAKE IT BUT I AM SO SURE WE WON'T. I LOVE MY HUSBAND AND IT IS NOT SUPPOSE TO BE THIS WAY, I OFTEN FEEL LIKE THIS IS NOT REALLY MY LIFE, AND I JUST CAN'T WAKE UP FROM THIS HORRIBLE DREAM. I JUST CAN'T RUN AWAY FROM THIS AFFAIR BECAUSE OF THIS CHILD. SOME DAYS I JUST WISH I WAS RICH BECAUSE I WOULD RUN AWAY, FAR, FAR AWAY. I DON'T FEEL LIKE I AM STAYING BECAUSE OF OUR SON, I TRULY DO LOVE MY HUSBAND, BUT HAD HE DONE THIS BEFORE WE DECIDED TO START A FAMILY, I THINK I WOULD BE GONE, BECAUSE THEN I COULD WALK AWAY NEVER TO LOOK BACK. I FIND MYSELF SITTING IN THE HOUSE DOING NOTHING, NOT EVEN TAKING MY SON OUTSIDE TO PLAY. I AM TRYING TO SNAP OUT OF IT BUT IT IS SO HARD. TOMORROW THE WEATHER IS SUPPOSE TO BE BEAUTIFUL, I'M GETTING THE HELL OUT OF HERE, IF ONLY TO WALK AROUND THE BLOCK.
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I am sorry to say the child is not the only reason you cannot run away from the affair. What you H did will always stick like a thorn in your side. As you know about me, my H thought his trash was pregnant at one point and he still continued the affair and and had unprotected sex after his Warning...though there ultimately was no child I can only imagine the pain you have had to endure and I am soooo sorry!! An affair is damaging enough as you know, to be able to forgive is divine as someone once said. And you don't have to do it all at once just a lil everyday and you will slowly feel better and notice that the smaller things stop getting to you as much. Even though I have some good days and some bad I try to stop the bad days by realizing when I am letting my mind "go there" and I ultimately control IF I do recognize it before it's too late I tell myself I didn't deserve it but the whole damn nightmare happened and NOW IT IS up to me if I let the nightmare continue or not. As I have been wrapped up in my own pain, I "checked out" for awhile and through the help of this site & counseling, I am slowly finding the more I try to understand my H feelings about where we are NOW, the more we actually talk about our real thoughts and feelings which is a HUGE step for us... This child will always be there, and as I have come to find, the A will always be there too, but somehow I think if you love your H enough and he loves you back , YOU WILL MAKE IT IF IT IS MEANT TO BE!! I totally understand what you mean by saying if this had happened before you had a family, you would be gone. But when I have sat and really thought about it, our family brought us closer together once my H realized what he REALLY had done, and what being a real dad was like. I have also had many days where I have been numbed by the pain, I think it is part of the whole grieving process, but I also find the more time I had on my hands, the more I let my mind wander to the pain and thinking about him telling her he loved her, and all the bs that goes along w/ that thought pattern! I know it's hard and I feel like a bit of a hypocrite but get out tomorrow and have fun, YOU DESERVE TO!!! I still have days where I don't even want to talk to anyone or go anywhere, but they are fewer and farther between as I am trying to let myself be happy. I don't know about you, but I sometimes feel like when things are going good, something bad is around the corner. I think it is from the insecurities of what happened to us and the memory of times of innonence followed by betrayel. We have been through too much, but WE ARE SURVIVORS and I can tell from talking w/ you for awile now, that you are a STRONG woman and in time I know you will feel more confident in your marriage because you will feel more secure within YOURSELF, you can't blame yourself for feeling bad sometimes, but the more you fight for yourself and your happiness the fewer bad days there will be. My god, I think I just wrote you a novel, sorry, I sometimes find it kind of like my own "therapy " of sorts too! I never realized how much better it could feel to let it all go with other people who have been through similar stuff. Thanks for being there & I know tomorrow will be a better day for you!
Take Care
Maria :)
MariaV1
I'm learning that we CANT think about what we WOULD have done if things WERE different, because they arent different, and they happened the way they did, and no matter how much we want to, we just cant. I used to think all of the time, that if I knew before we got married I wouldnt be with him. I used to think that with a lot of stuff, i know it sucks horribly, but you have to stop letting yourself think like that, its like poison to the healing. I know its hard, so so so very hard. Things will get better, and its probably going to take a long time, but things will get better. :) im here if you ever need to talk.
Nadia325