lizgirl's Journal

Every once in awhile the real me seems to appear.  Like today, the whole balance of myself seems to come forward and asks me things like why did I gain this much weight?  Why have I stopped myself?  It is like the withdrawn person steps out front.  I want changes but I don't seem to remain on the surface.  I feel successful but this very much fades.  I feel alert and then it goes away.  I don't like this at all.  I don't want to be taken care of but am thankful that I am.  I would rather do more for myself. 

My kitchen window is in.  How about me?  It took a long time and I don't want to wait anymore.

Finally have some real light in my kitchen.  I feel like I am in a different house.  It is even spooking my husband.  Part of this is my fault.  He wanted to put a new window in and I wanted it done when the whole kitchen was fixed.  My kitchen is in a very bad shape.  I didn't want appeasement.

 Had no idea how much a window would make a difference in my day.  Now the floor.  Do I try to work on my kitchen one part at a time?  I am sort of doing that with getting out of depression.  Maybe it will work for my kitchen too.  I really like the work to be over and done with, not ongoing.  I guess I should just brace myself for ongoing because much of my life has been nothing but ongoing events that never seemed to end.     Exhausted! 

My digestion today still feels like it is grabbing at me.  Like I am feeling well all over except for the burning in my stomach, mouth and gut.  Not knowing the cause, but I feel well in so many other respects.  It makes me wonder if this digestive upset is just depression suppressed?  Well, food sensitivities don't make you feel happy either.  It could be both, but I can't separate the two.

Got news that my husbands pay will be cut and now got news that they are going to drop some  of the bids in the company.  Last night he got news that they might not drop as many bids as first thought. His position might be ok.  I will just wait and see and not worry about it.  I can always worry later and even catch up on worrying.  But it is all sad because if this doesn't effect my husbands position it will effect many other families.  That bothers me too.

Friends.  Maintaining friends close to home has been an almost impossible task.  My best friend died of leukemia when she was in her early 20's.  What made it difficult is that she moved away and we never seen each other after that.  Talked a few times on the phone.  I was close friends with her sister but she drifted away from me when she got boy crazy.  I married her brother but that didn't make things close.  I was surprised that his big family didn't remain as close as I thought they would.  Well now she moved across the united states also.

Before that friend I was close friends to two girls in my neighborhood.  Ones mother was friends of my mother, that is how I came to know her.  The other I walked to school with.  We were friends a long time, until the two of them became friends.  I never had a problem being friends with many people.  But it seems some people like to be exclusive.  They pushed me out and played pranks on me.  I stood up for myself and told them to both drop dead.  It hurt because we were such friends for a long time.  Years later the one friend told my mom that she had the most fun hanging out with me.  She doesn't know why she stopped being friends with me.  But here is the irritating part.  My mother knew what this girl did to me and yet my mother became close friends with her like she grew up with her or something.  I really despise this person.  I don't care for my  mother either, she never supported me.  Dr Phil says that you should patch things up before people die because you will be sorry if you don't.  Well, my mom died and I still don't care!  I'm just going to grow old with the memory of hurting.

I lived in this house over 30 years.  Many neighbors moved in and out of this row home and we became good friends.  But when they move they don't pass their phone or address along and you don't see them again.  I just never heard of anyone that does this in life.  Were they really my friend of 10 years?  People keep moving in here and moving out.  There seems to be no real life value in my neighborhood.  I so want to move away into a neighborhood where people care about each other.

My work.  Goodness it is almost 6 years since I was working!  Still don't have a good taste in my mouth about that last job.  It was a great job.  Some things weren't right and gotten worse.  But I thought those people were my friends too.  With my depression I walked away from them.  I am sure I could have patched things up but I didn't want to.  I was devalued by them.  I don't have the stomach for fake people and that is how they came across to me.  

I really dispared that there might be real friends left to be made on this planet.  DS showed me that there are, they just don't live in my neighborhood.  And its much the same for them too.  We all seem to share some kind of isolation, even if we are not seeking it.  Thank you all for being my friends!