RedSuze's Journal

This and That Mood

Friday, April 11, 2008

Foolish heart, Looks like we're here again,

Same old game of plastic smile - Don't let anybody in.

Hiding my heartache, Will this glass break?

How much will it take before I'm empty?

Do I let it show? Does anybody know?

Painted on, Life behind a mask,

Self-inflicted circus clown,

I'm tired of the song and dance.

Living a charade, I'm always on parade,

What a mess I've made of my existence,

But you love me even now.

You see the real me, Hiding in my skin,

Broken from within,

You unveil me completely, I'm loosening my grasp,

No need to mask my frailty, For you see the real me.

Wonderful, beautiful is what you see, You see the real me.

You're turning the tattered fabric of my life,

Into a perfect tapestry.

Beautiful is what you see, When you look at me...

...Oh I just want to be me.

Please God, let me be me.

Found this in a book I'm reading at the moment. Sums it up perfectly.

I'm so afraid to speak out now. I'm afraid of everything I say, every word that passes my lips. I'm afraid of causing a scene. Afraid of my 'attitude' slipping out. I'm afraid of who I am. I'm afraid of what's next. I'm so lost.

House update will come later. For now, I'm just so lost. So broken. (Don't know who I was kidding, I'm nowhere near 85% free. I will be 100% one day, but right now, I'm slipping with very little control)

UPDATED GOALS

Get Free, Completely Free

Progress 65%

Encouragements: 5

Add your support

Hug RedSuze

Send to a Friend

Comments

Oh and by the way, when I read these words - in the poem - it was not God I was thinking of who sees the real me; it was you guys. You guys have helped me achieve so much, and see so much that I never could see. I love you so, so, much, my beautiful wonderful friends. x

RedSuze
Ohh Suze. Suze, Suze, Suze. I'm so sorry things are so hard. For what it's worth, I really empathise with the above...which book did you find it in ? And also, I knew you meant us. At least, I hoped you did. I love you too. And I hate that you're so afraid right now. You shouldnt have to censor yourself Suze, or second guess yourself. There's nothing to be afraid of, with regards to who you are. Because you're wonderful, and that shine's through. Never be afraid to be you...you're amazing, and I'd hate for you to be anyone else. It's ok to be scared though. About what's next. Change is scary, and everything's really daunting for you right now. But it's going to be ok. You're strong Suze, even when you're afraid. As for being 85% free - it isnt about kidding yourself, or any of us. You can be 85% one day, and slide after that. It's ok. What's important is that you WILL be 100% one day. And that day's going to be fabulous. I love you Suze, and it's going to be alright. I promise. xxxxxx

FairySchool
Dear Suze,
I know its very hard to tell from where you are right now but your on a journey, each day is just a smidgen closer to your goal. Don't give up now, only the weak of heart would give up at this point and you are if anything, not weak of heart!

weinere46
hang in there. I will answer your PM soon. This week is insane for me because I have to finish an entire integrated marketing communications campaign plan by monday.. but we'll see, maybe i'll take a study break and hit up ds. In the mean time.. hang tight.... bulemia can be beaten. I swear it. And you can do it. I have so much faith in you. so much. much love babe, much love.

halffast41
Beautiful poem. The way to remove the mask is to accept yourself for who and what you are. All of it, the good and the bad! You can only be you, no matter how much you try to hide it from people and yourself. The wise can see through the mask anyway. xoxox Oli

DistantOrbit
Absolutely ditto to what Eric said. You are on a journey - and those of us who see you from out here know you have amazing strength. Remember - life is like a toothpaste tube - when you're going through the pushing and mashing with no end in sight - it feels awful and then "pop" you're out and you "see the light". Those are Lindajean's best words of wisdom:) just remember the toothpaste tube.......

LindaJean