adkins683's Journal

Good news and bad...

Those that read my post saw that I had a little moment of "bareness" for some new excitement with the DH. I thought I had started my period and would have to visit the RE w/ nothing down there...good news, I was wrong...it was just spotting. I end my pill on Thursday and will wait for AF.

All that said....I am REALLY scared! Starting my next cycle is bittersweet because I want nothing more than to be a mom but I am scared to move forward because I don't want to face failure once again. Today was especially hard because I felt like all of the women in my office were talking about being moms, getting pregnant, etc. I wasn't even involved in the convo but I sit close to the breakroom. Ugh! Then my DH told me that two of our friends are going to start trying in the near future and I am CERTAIN they will conceive after a few months. If they get pregnant before me...I will be mortified! WE were supposed to be the first to have kids in that group of friends. We've been together pretty much the longest...married the longest...settled the longest...DAMN IT! I know fate hasn't been sealed yet but again...I am just scared about the upcoming IUI and not being the first pregnant. Something that makes me mad is that one of the couples that will start trying soon have a really rocky relationship...they dated nearly 8 years and he always cheated on her. I know this is none of my business and I should feel blessed to be married to a MAN that loves me and would never cheat....but just the fact that someone in that kind of relationship will probably get her way after trying ONCE just makes me furious!

Anyway...I'm going to go watch Food Network. I need something to keep my mind off this permanent grey cloud.

Please please please pray that the next cycle is the one....last cycle was amazing other than a BFN....6 mature follicles....over 89 million good sperm....BBT rose....CM present....WHY THE HELL DIDN'T ANYTHING FERTILIZE OR IMPLANT????

Hugs & BFP wishes....