ThePeople's Journal

I don’t know what triggered the nightmare, or the strange night.  I went to bed as usual but woke after a couple of hours and had more difficulty than usual returning to sleep.  I had vivid dreams, full of color and texture.  I dreamt that the hospital or some business was giving me gifts for sue because she was getting married.  There were several small boxes containing small items, cosmetics and trinkets, scarves, and assorted frivolous, feminine items.  All were highly colored, smooth and vibrant.  One of the people giving the gifts was Wallace, from Crossroads Training.  Then I was outside bathing in a dishpan, I was not surprised that I fit but concerned about being observed.  It was a beautiful day, just as it truly happens to be today  then I was at work talking to a patient, james the one boris said he couldn’t get to take his meds and teased me about wanting me to lie to him as I did to peter.  When I said I’d give it a try boris said he didn’t want me to go near him, james is dangerous.  He is huge, and completely crazy.  When I left he was standing outside the closed seclusion door talking to it, or someone only he could see.  But he followed me into my dreams.  It is fortunate he is not on my unit, I doubt I would be able to feel anywhere near safe after that dream.

In the dream I was doing something in his room, alone with a psychotic patient, and not concerned about it.  that was surely the stage for a nightmare.  He was on his bed and began to cry.  More fact mixed in, boris said he had been crying.  I went and sat on the corner of the bed and asked what was wrong, he said his six year old son had died.  I don’t know him and don’t know if he has children so I told him I was sorry.  he started to tell me how it happened, he was swimming and his blood filled his lungs and he died.  I don’t remember the details but in the dream I realized he was delusional and I began to tell him that it couldn’t have happened that way.  Something I would never do in real life, what is the point when someone is so psychotic, it only upsets them.  He began to anger and I got up and began to walk away, he sneered, if you’re going to walk THAT WAY you should run.  So I ran.  I only got to the hallway and he grabbed me.  The doors at the end of the hallway were closed and no one came.  I heard the code called and bustling on the other side of the door but no one came.  James held me so I could not move and barely breathe.  At one point he coughed in my face showering me with saliva, I gagged and quickly explained to him that I had coughed.  I knew my life was in the balance and I had only myself to depend on.  The door opened finally and another patient came in.  there was suddenly a very large tv in the room and the other patient, phillip – who is that? – was watching a woman being tortured and I knew she would be murdered.  I begged him to change it, he refused.  I feared that he and or james would try to do to me what was happening to the woman on tv.  I pleaded to james, saying you love me so please help me, if I watch this I will have nightmares.  That is also real, horror and violence give me nightmares.  James somehow got phillip to stop watching it and grabbed me again.  Philip picked up the tv by the cord and began whipping it around, I was afraid he would hurt someone or james would hurt him.  The door opened again and while james was distracted with phililp I escaped.  I landed on the floor in a heap of hysterics, my mind was far away from the people around me.  Gwen was there, and yerneini of all people, he was useless when he worked with us and even more so when a patient became violent.  There were many others as well, I think sue was there but can’t be sure.  I refused to speak to them, I felt they abandoned me and did not deserve to be spoken to.  two people began talking about the holiday, I don’t know what holiday and how hard it is to be alone.  One was a male physician, he resembled the Haitian pediatrician, and the other looked a bit like Karrie the tech from dayshift.  As they got into their cars I thought I should invite the physician to my home on the next holiday because I too was alone, I knew the woman lived with someone but he was temporarily away but would return.  I was silent and was going to get into my car and thought perhaps I would tell my mother what had happened.

Earlier in the same dream I was living in a large house with roger and my mother, we had just received a dining set from Puerto rico, it had been his grandmothers.  It was very large, made of dark wood decorated with red flowers and green leaves.  I thought it unattractive but felt it held great sentimental value as well as revering it for its age and past use.  I considered if we should refinish or paint it then decided that would not be right.  My mother was sitting at another dining table, much to my taste – it was plain, with clean lines and light colors.  She had three lamps on and I switched off two saying that was a lot of unnecessary light, she nodded and kept reading.  Turning off the additional lights, which had colored glass shades, one red and one blue did not diminish the ambient light, it was in fact daylight and no additional light was needed. 

I don’t recall anything else but the fear and horror linger.  I woke terrified and may have cried in my sleep as my eyes are crusty.  I will have difficulty sleeping tonight for fear of a similar dream.  My stomach is clenching now, and I must get ready for work as I overslept and it is now 1:25.  I was supposed to attend an inservice with Laty about psychiatry and addictions then sit in on the addictions group.  I would never have been able to do either without betraying my internal turmoil.  I hope showering and going through the ritual of work preparation helps to distant me from it but I know it will linger, I just hope to contain it.  I am working with boris and maryann tonight but also have tony as a orientee.  We only had six patients with one on the way last night who kyle said is ‘slightly psychotic but quiet.’  Who knows what that means, sometimes they are one way in the ed and change completely on the unit.