ThePeople's Journal

Spoke with lou last night but don’t recall the conversation so I guess it wasn’t significant.  This is going to be a busy week, dd committee at noon tomorrow then cpr then work, then cd group on Friday and class on Saturday.  In between I have to run to denises’ and care for the cat.  That should be fun, being a kitten he is very lively, he is also quite beautiful.  As lovely as orion but not regal, he’s too animated for that but infused with life like joe.  Lucky cat to have such loving owners, jonathan and david are unusual 13 year olds.  I look at them and wonder what my twins would have been like, they’d be19 in November, adults by law.  I remember being unhappy to be pregnant and dismayed by the changes in my body, it seemed alien and far too fast.  I suspected it might be twins, I was too overwhelmed by the changes and always so hungry it scared me.  I remembered being pregnant the first time and it was so different, I felt calm and deeply pleased.  I felt like life was a calm river, flowing with quiet power to the sea and all was well.  the twins were a totally different feeling, I felt I was being swept away by a torrent, helpless and frightened.  I was afraid I would gain so much weight I would be ill and delivery complicated because of it.  I gained almost ten pounds that first month and was unable to wear regular clothes because they were too uncomfortable.  I walked in the park and thought of how I would show the child the miracle of the cherry blossoms, how they would fall silently as snow to the ground creating a carpet of delicate pink and white.  I did not want to be pregnant, it was too soon.  Roger and I had met in October and moved in together in December.  Our relationship was too new and fragile, I wanted to learn about him and let him know me.  I had told him my story as soon as I realized our relationship would not be a casual affair.  It took me all night, he listened without interruption.  He understood in a way no one ever had before, although he had never experienced such things he knew the pain – he had felt abandoned and probably shunned by his family although he loved them deeply.  he let me see his pain and offer him comfort.  He was old far beyond his years, the quintessential older brother to his siblings.  I do not yearn for him now, I find it oddly comforting to have had him in my life but cannot imagine him with me now, I have changed too much.

It is folly that some, probably most,do not realize that after two head injuries I am no longer the person I once was.  Things that were important to me have paled greatly, and I can no longer pretend to be close to others.  I no longer carry the same burden of guilt for having an intellect superior to John, I feel at ease with being in the same league – although not the same level – as sam and sis.  I no longer feel an obligation to my family although I love them as much as ever.  I do not yearn for a bond that can never form.  Perhaps it is age, but that is doubtful, the change came like a thunderclap.  I wonder how it would have changed my relationship with my parents, I know after the first one I saw my mother very differently.  I no longer felt estranged from her, I felt apart, as if she was only the means of my biological being and had no claim on me.  I no longer felt I had to provide for her and only minimally for john.  He was a bigger hurdle and I am sure my guilt over being smart was still a factor.  It is bittersweet that it took losing some of my intellectual stature for me to feel comfortable with it – I do not know if it was worth the price.  I miss the razor clarity and lightening speed although others perceive it as unchanged I feel the difference.  I also have less motivation to engage and have become lazy.  I find merely passing a course is sufficient and sometimes I must read the material, and even need to think about it to understand and absorb it.  I was shocked the first time I realized I had to read and be attentive – it was that management course with lyon.  He was a dynamic instructor, eager, curious and passionate about life.  rosemarie was interested in him because he was also over fifty, single, attractive and as she said diminutive.  She had quite a vocabulary and was bright but floridly bipolar and tortured by it.

Something just passed through my mind but is gone now.  I feel as if there is a multitude of thoughts clamoring to be heard but I am too tired to listen.  I am verging toward self destructive behavior again although onlookers would perceive it as positive.  I found myself shopping for clothing that would be more revealing and form fitting, wearing makeup and earrings.  Responding to overtures from men that conveyed some openness to their interest.  It is an illusion, I have no desire to form a relationship with anyone, it is wanton behavior that serves only to release deep anger, once ensnared the other person would suddenly discover that the vivacious, reasonably attractive, well groomed person they know bears little resemblance to the ogre that lurked behind the façade.  They would be dismayed by contradictory statements, missed appointments, forgotten conversations, all designed to destroy the fabric of the relationship with no regard for their investment or feelings.  I cannot allow it to happen again, I do not think I can contain it as well now – in stuart and Orlando I was able to slip away from most easily – often manipulating them into thinking they were losing interest.  It was also easy, show too much interest and they would flee – provided we never had sex.  Once that happened it was much more difficult to disentangle, they found it amazing never realizing that it was as false as the person they believed they knew.  Tom was the only one who saw more than a few minor hues of the spectrum, but even he was fooled into thinking that there was a depth of emotion that did not exist.

Easy night at work but a long, odd day.   Couldn't get to bed early last night so only slept a few hours, went to class and thought it might be canceled but another student showed up so they'll keep the class.  They seem like a nice bunch of kids, and the instructor is as nice as chet said she'd be.  Completed and submitted the work for the other class.

After work went to the bank, then walmart then to get gas considered picking up judy but went without her.  Listening to the book and digging around for the cds when a cop in a pick up pulled me over.  He was a fish and wildlife jerk and wouldn't leave it alone, he wanted a rational explanation and I couldn't provide it.  I couldn't account for the time between 11;30 when I told him I left work and when he stopped me.  I couldn't find my insurance card or registration and he called the sheriff's department.  He acted as if he'd never heard of the hospital.  The deputy did of course and said he didn't remember seeing me there, I told him I work on a and we don't usually see the cops.  He seemed anxious to leave but the jerk was having none of that.  he refused to let me drive home after a sobriety test and searching my car, he found the zomig and aspirin I told him would be there and nothing else.  I think he was both disappointed and maybe embarrassed, he was probably sure I was drunk.  He wanted the deputy to drive me home, I had told them my roommate would be sleeping and not have his phone turned on.  I don't know if he turns them off but he probably does. So the jerk said you better call a cab   the deputy tried to get the number but couldn't so I got it and called one.  The deputy needed to leave he said they were short 3 people tonight and he needed to get going.  So he left me with the charmer.  The taxi arrived and he asked the driver for her license also, she thought that odd but gave it to him.  He didn't check her livery license and that was even more strange.  We drove down to the citgo and I got more money so I could pay her the round trip fare.  She was very nice and told me she had to drop me anywhere I asked because to do otherwise she'd be holding me hostage.  So I had her take me back to the car figuring the charmer wouldn't have hung around, he'd made his point.  I was right, he was gone.  He might have been right I might have not maintained my lane but other than his vehicle I was the only one on the road in either direction and he was very far behind me.  He didn't give me a ticket just a warning which means nothing.

This crazy stuff has to stop, I must have lost an hour or two and it was just fortunate that it was 1am and not after 1:30 because the taxi's stop running after that time. I have no idea what would have happened if they were closed. Maybe roadside assistance would have given me a ride,I can't imagine he would have been able to force me to stay there all night but have no idea what he might have done.  He had thedeputy check the zomig and surprise it is a headache medicine.  He found a box in the car and said it can cause sleepiness.  He didn't believe me that I didn't have a headache, ididn't tell him if I had I'd neverhave tied driving. 

It's after  5:30 and I hardly remember much of the time, snippets of it buti'm afraid now.  I have to find a wayto stop this crap. 

It feels like this will never end, woke from a deeply disturbing nightmare.  In addition, I woke an hour early but decided it is best to get up anyway.  i had more or less anticipated it being a difficult day but was unprepared for the intensity.  I feel as if I had been traveling at a great speed and slammed into a solid surface.  I feel shattered and broken.  I am unsure if I will be able to motivate myself to work tonight.  The images of that day are replaying in my head, I remember sitting alone watching television being numb.  My memory is jumbled, I seem to remember the cats being there but Orion wasn't born yet, I got him after the accident so it was 2002 and impossible for him to have been there.  I was also still working at my last real job, down at PAX and concerned about being laid off because the deal with NBC hadn't worked out.  I remember being happy that morning, I had dressed and gone to work feeling well.  I was listening to the first audio book I ever tried, it was Wuthering Heights and so I did not have the radio on.  I found a decent parking space in the parking garage and was still thinking about the book as I went through the door and my life changed.  Everyone was crazed, the air was crackling with an excitement I could not grasp.  Voices were stretched to the breaking point and a feeling of frenzy gripped the building.  Televisions were on everywhere, being a communications company that wasn't unusual but they were raucous sounding and knots of people were staring at them dumbfounded.  Someone said a plane had hit the WTC and I thought it was a horrible accident, thinking it was some small plane.  Perhaps the pilot had been blinded by the sun, or some other human error. 

The horror the crew and passengers must have experienced washes over me now, the people in the buildings were ignorant of the fate that awaited them but not the people in the planes.  I cannot absorb the horror of the people on the other craft, it is removed from my experience.  I did not 'know' the Pentagon or that field in PA.  But I 'knew' the WTC and recognized the area well.  I remembered seeing a huge hole in the earth with what appeared to be Tonka trucks moving around on the bottom.  It was encircled by a huge fence, with plywood on the interior that had portholes cut in it so people could look down into the crater that would one day cradle the WTC.  I don't remember the first time I saw the completed buildings but I remember the escalator and stairs that 'went no where.'  They were so long and steep that it appeared as if people were pouring out of and disappearing into the ceiling.  The illusion delighted me all the more because I was one of those people each day when I traveled to and from work.

When the buildings were being destroyed I thought of all the people who took those escalator, the many elevators, the shops and offices they contained.  And the trains that were surely in the sub basements full of more people arriving and departing.  I thought about people stuck on the PATH, surely dismayed by the unusual delay.  It was a beautiful September morning, quite pleasant as the sun shone on a mild late summer day.  There was no hint of the sinister, and completely mad plan that was about to tear at the heart of my beloved city as the rest of the country mourned and the world watched in horror.

There have been other man made disasters, many other bombings taking a tremendous toll in lost and shattered lives but none compare with the psychological brutality of the attack on the WTC.  It symbolized not only the spirit of the American people but to me every person's dream of achieving something that would stand tall and true, steadfast during storms.  Much more than the steel and concrete they were constructed of the Towers were a symbol of the hard work and dedication of many people, it was a place of commerce and crossroads.  It was a hub of industry, both the tangible and the visionary. 

But on 09/11/01, it became an illusion.  It was the last illusion I held of my country being safe, the innocence, and perhaps naivety that the world as a whole understood that the people of this country had no desire to conquer others but wished to bring the brilliant light of freedom to anyone who wanted it.  As with all generalizations it reflected a portion and not the whole but also the sense I had of my fellow citizens.  Most were and remain too busy with our own pursuits to wish to conquer other lands but will take up arms without hesitation if our beloved country is threatened.

I believe other nations underestimate the people, not the elected officials as by and large their jobs cause them to become drones even if they were not before taking the oath of office.  I may be deluding myself and harboring a childish belief but I believe the people of the United States are among the most generous and caring the human race has ever produced.  We also refuse to be ruled by dictators, or allow despots to wrest authority.  When laws that the populace dislike are passed we respond loudly but do not attack the lawmakers with physical violence, we make speeches and shake hands holding signs not weapons.  Oh, in our streets we are violent, we are still very close to our wild and violent roots but since the Civil war we have not felt the need to take up arms against those who govern us, we choose to sling muddied words and cast ballots rather than stones.

I think for all the faults our country has it remains a moral giant among nations.  It is unafraid to admit its failures in public and although sometimes misguided it tries to make amends.  It is also the world's 911, the first place friends and foes alike look toward when disaster strikes because they know we will respond without hesitation.

It saddens me greatly to think about 09/11/01, a part of my heart died that day and will never be resurrected.  I still feel sad now and have no desire to get up from this chair and proceed with my day, my life is of no value and it pains me to see Joe peeking around the drape.  The bold colors strike my eye, as if to underscore the dearth of joy – the drape is a deep and rich shade of gold offsetting the glossy black of Joe's fur and illuminating the verdant green of his eyes.  It brings me no peace, no sense of joy because all I can see is the potential loss.  As my mother would tell me in difficult times, 'this too shall pass,' and that is true, human life is very fleeting although when fraught with pain each day, or moment seems an eternity so why must I prolong it.