Today isn't any better than yesterday …
Today isn't any better than yesterday actually. George is still in bed sick and I am totally unmotivated. It's cold and …
Join Now
anorexia girl caused by people lying about her and out of jealousy saying she was fat
Thursday, July 24, 2008 |
Thursday, July 24, 2008 |
gorgeous george day outside. would love to go out there and enjoy it. worked until 11:30 p.m. trying to get contract through within deadline which was midnight. still need the check from the client and monitor the inspection on it. its draining. stress always is and can mess up the rest of the day. the only way to live amongst heavy stress is in a hirise condo with and elevator all amenities and where everything is done for you. it takes the edge off. a house has too many extra responsibilities and this is somewhere in between...can't even tell what this is until its properly unpacked. the latest on that is that the carport leaks worse than anything i have ever seen and ALL THE BOxES, are drenched and need reboxing and rebinning and i am thoroughly annoyed no one mentioned it. it could have been brought up here and covered with a tarp if it had been made clear and i know why it wasn't, they figure i wouldn't take the place if i knew...
the lawyer hasn't called back yet. still waiting....lalalalalala....so may have my own motions to draft and file if she doesn't get back soon with the aid of helpline...thank goodness. i got this usb thing yesterday. they charged 25 cents per file to scan the documents onto it and 10.00$ for the usb thinger. its cheaper at the library, $8.00 but i needed it right then. its cheaper to still burn it on a cd but then cd's can break and this doesn't and its smaller...have another adoption and haven't been able to reach the rescuer...kind of weird, i may have to just take her animals before she does something dumb as people often do...hope not. but i am not set up here and i miss my own rescues. A LOT. went to visit them yesterday at e's but i couldn't stay and i picked up another of my carriers. haven't done anything social in a few DAYS! and technically after all the work today i should be headed for k's to treat his rescues and just hang out, but i have NO TIME AT ALL LATELY!
i'm sort of watching charmed right now. as dumb as that is and i can't think straight, which means i need to take my bp medicine. bye.
july 21 on kitty's journal is triggering memory. so weird. i haven't thought about patti in soooo many years. its so odd. i actually remember the light filtering through, its grey because we were all on a stairwell. she was standing on the top landing with two classmates who were waaaaay taller than her. she looked so small, skinny and boney. she had no ass, no chest nothing, and it was summer. you could seeeeee her elbows, like the bone, and above and below and i stopped short because i was horrified. i knew i didn't look like that. in fact, i knew i looked really good. and i kept thinking the last time i really SAW patti was eighth grade and she was easily the best looking or one of the best looking people in the class. all the guys were commenting on it and a lot of the girls were pissed off because its a shift. now its patti who is best looking kind of thing. i remember showing her that class picture, she is in the middle seat and grinning ear to ear and i SAID to her, you were the best looking girl in the class, by that time i was modelling again and as a "school kid" same year i had been offered a scholarship to barbizon modelling school, which my family wouldn't let me take. me and this other girl got it, and her father offered to drive us each night. the other girl, cindi wouldn't go if i didn't go as she didn't want to go alone and her best friend had no offer at all at barbizon unless she wanted self improvement classes. lol. that girl liz is the one that caused all the trouble initially. to make this sound even dumber and schoolish, is liz initially went after patti because this girl pam who was very popular that year, and who had been best friends with liz for about a year or two a couple of years before that and dropped her, had asked patti to hang out somewhere or something and patti hadn't even said yes at first because pam had a reputation for being an on again off again friend. so what, so am i, but pam is more permanent like that and i'm more flighty with a zillion outside interests and i genuinely try to find time but can't always. i had someone else stalking me here and here who had once known pam and was dropped. i already knew pam from ballet as kids, and cheerleading for a while, but it wasn't worth all the crap when outsiders would come in and then not and then be angry...all odd, but to me its all meaningless. it never had an effect except i wouldn't want to deal with it. i still consider pam a friend if she needed something dire, same with patti, but on a daily basis i like a lot of calm and if there is drama or stalking or anything involved i really rather just bail out and not be around it. its too tedious and life is too short for that crap. with pam it wasn't fair as it wasn't her causing it, it was people around her causing an obsession of sorts. when we were all little, it was just older sisters pulling crap like that. later on it became bigger. that same girl liz, started the same crap with me when i got the barbizon scholarship (which i ended up not using until years later. same school different scholarship) saying i had a fat ass (liz has no ass at all). i did go on a diet. i lost five pounds. i think i changed my walk. lol. but it ended there. why didn't it end for patti? why did it become a major issue? patti had a nice family and a second home by the beach with a zillion friends down there...she mostly used our area just for studying anyway. she quit ballet early on and she never went into cheerleading at all. she had been friends with this other girl mr but mr's mother was overly possessive and you couldn't do the on again off again thing with her with friendship, her mother expected total committment. lol. (and her mother was a total user)she ended up pretty much ruining her daughter's social life by being like that because kids are always on and off with friendship. sometimes you need a break or change interests that's all. its nothing personal. its not "over". its just breathing time. i'd probably help mr too if she needed help, i just wouldn't want to see her mother. lol.
i think liz was unhappy with herself. she had a really nice mother who she used to lie to and manipulate and demean in underhanded ways all the time. i don't think her mother ever quite understood how vicious liz was until liz was an adult and by then liz had done damage all over the place. i wonder if that's what it is, is it people like liz and marge who cause young girls (and guys?) all over the place to become anorexic because they are so mean and backstabbing and lying that their victim doesn't know what else to do. i think a lot of people in their teens do drugs and drink, not only because of pedophiles (though that is a HUGE PART OF IT if not the whole reason for many of us, getting hit on by these assholes on a regular basis and worse, but also as a way to deal with the cyclone people like liz and marge.) for others i guess they don't drink or do drugs instead they become anorexic or cutters or both? maybe everyone should take up boxing and karate and start killing off all the mean ones, maybe that is a better way. this girl joyce told me i actually attacked marge after the mess (i never got in trouble for it) she said i held my cool and then all of a sudden was like, fuck it what the hell. joyce said she made sure she blocked the way and looked at the ceiling the whole time so if anyone polygraphed her did she see anything she would honestly say she didn't. my step parents wouldn't say a word about me doing that, they'd ignore it like it never happened...but my father would have a fit no matter what. he'd actually prefer i do drugs (i already know he is waaaay off). since everyone denied it happened i think marge had to see a shrink plus the fact that she obviously also beat herself up....lol. so shocked i remember this at all. wow.
Comments
You might also like ...
My day went well. When I got to …
My day went well. When I got to the church I was in awe of what I saw when I walked in the door. I knew that Patti …
I\'m going nowhere
Confusing is the best word to describe my relationship with my ex. The relationship is much better than it was …
i just realized something else, i guess this will go into my passive aggressive thing. i had on flat shoes, like for work that day (i worked in a restaurant, which i lovvved at the time). i NEVER wore flat shoes once i started wearing heels. i wonder if part of me knew i was going to do that? boy did she have that coming to her...that and worse really
79pounds
WOW!!! You are a gifted writer. Funny how something can trigger memories of long ago.
auntshawn
i know i even remembered other stuff from it. its happened a couple of times on here and i am glad it did. one day i really need to get in touch with my chums from early childhood, at least to just say hello. its been so long. how about you?
79pounds
just remembered more stuff on patti and this is where it belongs. after i lost the five pounds because liz was on my case that i needed to lose weight. and i changed my walk to go with it...and liz complimented me on this. i went back to eating normal and it think i even grew an inch or two. shortly thereafter, liz started her shit again, keep in mind liz is and was bone thin (she is hyperthyroid and only went on meds for it after turning 18 a few years later so she has the mania that goes with that disorder as well). i ignored liz. in fact, i dropped some of my friends at the time in order to ignore liz. when patti heard that liz was at me to lose weight and i pretty much told her to fuck off. patti was at first relieved thinking i would be "dieting" with her and then kind of stunned and awed that i was just telling liz to fuck off and trying to avoid her completely. she said to me, how do you do that. and i was like, do what. and she's like, just do that. ignore her. and i was like why would i care what she thinks. she thinks everyone is too fat anyway. and patti was like, she does. i can actually picture this, as we were sitting at a table in the cafeteria discussing this. its was around this time that she and these others were trying to get me to switch clubs and they would only take her if she could get me to join them. they should have taken her no matter what. that may have stopped it as it ended up being a very school oriented club. it would suit her. but back then it was just beginning and who knows maybe it would have been healthier for me to join it as well. but this little hiatus is what i guess i was always forgetting, plus i wasn't into the drama of "school" enough to care. i didn't want (nor need) to diet. it was me and this other girl who had gotten the offer for scholarships at barbizon modelling school, out of the entire school. i definitely didn't need to lose any weight at all. when patti called or brought up dieting i always thought she was trying to get me to diet and i would say, i don't want to diet and cut her short. at some point she got annoyed and was like can't you see what i am saying? actually, i didn't SEE anything at all. i just got more pissed off and said something like i'm not dieting so i don't know why you are bothering to call. at some point the conversation was like, she wouldn't be doing that anymore if she had something else to do...she couldn't smoke her father was against it big time and she couldn't work, he wanted them to study. i think she was doing it as something to do...i wish she got gotten into nutrition and fitness or something instead and gotten all beautiful again. when she joined that other club the following year, she was so happy to be there because it saved her and she said it. it gave her something to do and she started eating again. but then marge was in that club and made fun of her and she quit the club and stopped eating again. without the club she had nothing and the club should have ousted marge right then. instead they waited TWO YEARS to get rid of that piece of shit girl and by then patti was already damaged beyond repair physically. and the other club? why didn't the other club invite her? i wonder about that...knowing some of them they were probably doing this image conscious thing...and they shouldn't of just for old times sake alone...had i shown up then it would have been different and even i didn't come through for her because i didn't see the importance. i didn't have a clue even though she practically yelled at me, can't you see what i am doing? i didn't. she knew i didn't. i'm younger than her. i think she ended up laughing it off after crying it off and got better for awhile. and i think she ended up calling to see if i wanted to play basket ball or something and i made plans to or may have even showed up but i am sure i often didn't show up because i was busy smoking cigarettes and worse with my friends and exploring that kind of thing. WORK is what solved all those almost very bad habits and in a lot of ways also made them worse as once i started working i knew a lot of partiers there too. i really couldn't have cared a hoot about that school and i really didn't notice at all what was going on with her (or probably anyone else really. that's a very self-absorbed age.) i had my rabbit for a pet. we had cats. she should have gone the pet route that would have gotten my attention...how come they never had pets? it may have helped...or how come no switch to a school by the other house. i think she wanted to join a sport when feeling okay, and then they don't let you because they want you to join at the beginning of the year...like every time she was strong enough to break out of the anorexia spiral, she got shot down by the rules of something else. i was never home by then. i was out a lot and once i started working i was too tired to really notice anything with school and i wasn't there that much anyway. it never occurred to me that something was wrong. but that was a reaching out. she knew. i remember her coming down by my street which she also almost never did (i don't think she was allowed even in highschool to go beyond a certain point) there were always parameters. too many probably in her life and making everything so narrow i guess left her no choice but to go after herself? i really had no idea at all what she was talking about. i had never heard of anorexia. just like i never really knew what a cutter was until ds. and friends of ours actually knew someone who was a cutter. but everyone hides things from me. say its better i don't know and when we were teens they feared copycat thing that teens do. but patti? she was the last person i'd have expected that to happen to? i remember when she wanted to join the other club, because she was bored and kind of spit it out when she was telling me and was purposely keeping up with me when i was walking in the hallway. she doesn't always...i do that too sometimes i'll stop totally if the person is walking too fast and they will either figure it out and wait and realize its too fast (ergo rude) or they can keep scampering and talk to themselves as they go. lol. i told her to find out who the president of the club was, ask when the meeting is, and join. they can't say no, its open to everyone. she was like who is that. i saw someone wearing one of their sweaters and i just said to her who is the president of your club and she said who it was. and patti was like in awe again. then she said how do i know who that is and i was like your brother doesn't have a year book. then she called me to let me know she did it and was going to a meeting. she was so happy and i was thinking to myself that makes you happy. even in grammar school that wouldn't have made me happy. it was just school. small ponds, big ponds. big ponds are easier. more options. maybe small ponds cause all these disorders? restrictions...fascism caused people to become suicidal. that was a really small pond oppression
79pounds