79pounds's Journal

the john tesh show says peanut butter cuts stress, enhances serotonin so the person FEELS GOOD especially when used first thing in the morning.  i am doing this and i think it works.  i think part of the anxiety attacks was needing to confront this man and now that i did, my anxiety attack this morning was minimal.  i left a letter for the guy that cleaned the house out.  threw caution to the wind, took the bull by the horns...its my way, if i were a man i probably would be the type to either become a litigation attorney or to clock people in the jaw a lot (though to be honest, i've done that as well, i just never remember doing it when i do it, but i have heard from people my whole life that i do this...and then everyone always covers it up so i guess that is why i completely forget it, or we as females as so trained to never physically fight that somewhere in my brain it turns it off?  i am usually a thin, mostly harmless, athletic person so i guess when i do these things i shock the shit out of whoever i hit).  i know from doing rentals that when i have a person trying to take advantage of me, i know for a fact i wind up like a top or a cyclone and get stronger and stronger as i go and then i explode and it ALWAYS shocks the other person because its the last thing they expect from someone as "harmless" as myself.  some of them respect it (which is similar to sports when you know the person on the other team is about even to yourself, but you are on opposite teams.  there is a respect there, but you are still on opposite teams.)  other ones are horrified by it, because they think they can push me around and all of a sudden i'm this completely deadly lunatic who is going to take them on, even if its against all odds.  if you ever talk to football players they will tell you about some of the ones they think are lightweights who end up not being lightweights at all.  doesn't mean you always win, you don't, but it will be bloody and do they want to go through that, especially knowing they are wrong.  because i have a very long rope as a person, i would never go after anyone for no reason and even with reason i have to really be pushed to do something and some people do that or some situations warrant that.  keep pushing and pushing and pushing...and then FORGET IT, the top inside me starts winding up or the cyclone...its pure nerve energy, though right now, being in this new war, i plan to start working out physically as well to ready my self for it, swimming, ballet, yoga, lifting...something.  

i slept with the foot brace off yesterday night from my injuries and it aches this morning and i noticed it is veering to the left if i walk without the support.  so now what????do i train it to go the other way.  what should i be doing.  i am sleeping GREAT since i started bundling up with a sweatshirt.  i simply can't handle anything under 79 degrees.  and i am looking forward to moving into the master cubby where there is no vent for the a/c.  i am finding many quirks wrong with this house...the vent is another.  funny don't notice these things when just looking.  i just realized my and harry potter have something in common "cubbies" hah.  i have also decided to send out fliers for the reverses rather than ads so i need to call on that today.  i also noticed this morning i am three days late for my ads, which will make me even later as it is 10:00 and that is the cut off for tomorrow.  ads are weird and if you don't put your ad in by the 15th for some reason the response is minimal.  running ads around the 15th to the end is crucial.  for all ads that i have noticed so far. 

when i got something for ME the other day it was a book on abigail adams finally.  we are adams's so its about time i did some reading...so far i got through her timeline and her family tree.  i talked to an adams at the end of the 80's and i had a clipping of one, the direct ones who actually helped the country.  it interested us both and he called me because dna was a new things back then and that is also when people were suing for their share of money etc., like sally hemmings and the lincolns.  we aren't related to that one.  our relative is the brother who left and went to louisiana.  he was a womanizer and a gambler and i always assumed he wasn't really an adams because people used to just take in kids back then.  people also got raped back then and never knew who the true father of their kids were.  etc.  was a big surprise to discover who he was, was all true.  but its still meaningless because he spent HIS entire adult life in bars and dance halls and the end of our family that knew him were all girls who loved dancing...(nothing has changed.  lol.)  only difference is for a while as a kid i danced classical ballet, a better way to channel it i guess....anyway so i finally have abigail's biography.  she is interesting historically because she wrote a lot of letters and they were SAVED and they used the letters for the biography!  so its more historically accurate.  kind of like Catherine the Great who wrote SEVEN of her own autobiographies, so at least its her perception of herself, instead of someone trying to tell you what they think, she thinks.  lol.  and i just realized this is fascinating probably only to me.  LOL.  but i am a writer myself.  i suppose if i get broke enough it will force me to publish and turn the fun of creativity into a business that rejects and narrows it all to something saleable...

i think so clearly with ocean air.  the whole time when i got this place i thought of jsn, because i know its his price range.  its weird though, now that i am clearthinking i wonder if his mother was right and school plus work is too much for him?  don't know what to think, plus since its some of his things that are missing like the coffee machine...i'm in a dilema with whether to put the ad in or not and g's stuff is still sitting here.  also the new bit with the animals is still freaking me out.  before i couldn't even leave my lap top open because they might jump on it.  this way IS easier, except to be frank, i prefer it the other way.  i miss my little furry friends.  john tesh show claims people don't have real friends anymore.  the internet is making people disconnect from each other.  the average number of friends people used to have is five.  now, two is common and many have zero????  i still have friends, but some of them i see less because time is a problem.  i think internet is also making people work more than 8 hours per day.  i think everyone is working all the time now, at least in usa.  unless what they do for a living is physical.  i wonder if i take sciences now and look at a dermatology curriculum if i could do any of that stuff.  the sciences can be used to the animals as well.  i am such a friggin lightweight.  in earnest i am going to look for the constable stuff, this weekend.  i did a bunch of boxes and laundry last night and kv went to an intel show in a theatre which i thought was going to be in a conference room.  he didn't win anything, but they also showed the new batman movie preview and he said it was jam packed and they gave out pizza and soda.  i may start going to these computer things if local, as he says normally no one shows up and they give out things like printers etc just for showing up and then they train you on their equipment (and boy do i need training.  seriously.)  a lot of seminars are boring though, so we will see. 

the other flashes i am having from all this stress is dumb stuff.  i am recalling CHEERLEADING tryouts of all things, and all the underhanded stuff people used to do to get those of us who were cheerleaders every year to not get to the try out (even in grammar school this kind of stuff went on!) or just recently i remembered there was a new person.  we wanted to see her moves and suggested she go first.  we were so surprised to see someone new there, which is another reason so much of the book "the cheerleader" by ruth doan macdougall (i wish everyone would read that book!) was relateable.  the girl wanted to go last and we realized she may not know anything and needed to copy what she saw which means she was way too late to make it ...at first we thought she might be from another school and was transferring what she already knew and then someone we knew or ourself might not make it.  it wasn't that and it wasn't to learn, she was an underhanded bitch who knew the person doing the scoring and she had that person use the scores of the cheerleader who went before her as her own scores and then "say" it was an accident.  years later, in middle school (used to be junior highschool) someone else did the same thing and actually got on the squad before she got caught as she couldn't even DO any of it at all.  but back as a kid, the scores she took credit for were all from an advanced kid, not only could she not do the gymnastic stuff, she didn't even know what the stuff was.  i was so freaked out over all this because we used to practice so much, it never even occurred to me that there are all these other people out there who never practice at all or rarely do but try to TAKE by being criminal (stealing anothers scores is fraud and this was planned).  its all corruption and in the end all the pure athletes and artists end up leaving because they don't want to be around corruption.  all it takes for evil for conquer if for good people to do nothing.  or to back down.  people explained this...but it was still horrifying, like the horror, the horror" by joseph conrad in the heart of darkness.  its stuff like this that make people hate life and living and even commit suicide.  they just don't want to deal with it...or they could open sanctuaries and join missions and do the good in the world...lol.  part one learning about the horror/corruption/evil of the world, part two becoming a sanctuary, mission etc and avoiding ALL EVIL.  it does matter.