dawnyb's Journal

I'm sitting here at my computer doing what I do best, cry. I can't seem to get a grip. I have confined myself to my home and I have to admit it's where I feel safe and secure. I go out, for short spurts and when I do I have to fight through a panic attack. I think I could deal with it if it was occassional sadness, but this is constant and it feels like my heart is breaking. I try to stop, but the harder I try, the harder I cry. There are times I don't even know why I'm crying.

I found out in February of this year that I have cancer. At first it didn't seem real. Cancer was something other people got, not me. Of course I started thinking about my life and not liking what I saw. I had envisioned a much different path for myself. I figured I'd be married with a couple of kids by now. I went to an Oncologist and the diagnosis was confirmed and he told me point blank that I would have to have a hysterectomy. You know I didn't even think about it, I just knew that I wanted whatever was affected out of me. Once the surgery was over and I started the process of healing, it hit me; I can't have kids. I felt like someone had punched me in the gut. Being a mother was the one thing I wanted to be and I knew I'd be good at and now I can't. It feels like someone has ripped my heart out. I feel incomplete. This was all added on top of depression that was out of control. I just want to disappear and I don't like this feeling.

I have tried several medications and they all start off seeming to help and eventually I'm right back where I started. I'm trying to write a book. Its something I've always wanted to do and have had a passion for writing since I was in grade school. I started the book in May and I worked on it for a while and then I walked away from it.

I just want to matter and feel that I'm important. I'd love to meet a man that could get past my outward appearance. Maybe someone will read this and can help me  make sense of my life. This is only a fraction of my drama.