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One year ago today, right about this very hour, my son JUSTIN LYNN TURNER passed away from injuries he sustained in a motorcycle wreck.
This has devastated my entire family.
I have realized he is not coming back.
I honestly don't know where I would be without my friends here on DS, and for that, I thank you.
Kelly
Comments
Tomorrow will be one year. I'm still numb. One year since I received that phone call at 5:30 in the morning. The phone call nobody wants to get. "This is UAB Hospital in Birmingham .... do you have a son named Justin Turner" ? After my sobbing answer of "yes" to the man on the phone, there was some discussion of " your son has been in a motorcycle accident ... he is hurt real bad ... you need to get here as quick as you can , and bring the rest of your family with you" .
My bedroom is downstairs , and I guess the wailing I was doing woke up my husband who had fallen asleep on the couch ... and also woke up my teen age daughter who was asleep in her bedrrom upstairs ... because I didn't even have to go wake them up ... as soon as I hungup the phone , they were beside me in the bedroom.
I did however, have to go upstairs and wake up my oldest son Brandon to tell him his brother was in a motorcycle wreck and was hurt bad , and to get dressed and hurry.
We were at the hospital in less than 30 minutes. They took us in the Family Room. I knew it was bad. They said Justin had injuries that he would not be able to survive from. I said I want to see him. The doctors kept stalling me, trying to prepare me for what he looked like ...... I told them I didn't care what he looked like to take me to him - I WANTED TO BE WITH HIM .
I told the rest of the family if they didn't want to go in that it was okay .... and I followed the doctor and nurse in. My family followed me in also (I was moved by that because I didn't know if they would be able to handle it).
There he was hooked up to all kind of machines .... his head was swollen so much he was unrecognizable, but I knew it was him. I could see his feet sticking out from under the cover a little , and those were my son's feet. I also had noticed his jeans laying in the chair, and his helmet sitting on the floor.
I realized from everything they were doing to him, and from all the noises the alarms were making that Justin was not going to make it. He was going fast.
I started rubbing his head and talking to him and saying I was sorry he was hurt so bad. And for a brief second, the alarms were calming down (for a few seconds) , and one of the nurses nudged the other nurse and pointed to the monitor ....... and it seemed like he was trying to stabilize. But the nurse said it was because I was talking to him and he might have been recognizing my voice.
And that only lasted a couple seconds, then the alarms started going off again and it was all chaos for the next 3 or 4 hours .
He couldn't hold on , and died right before noon.
So today I've been crying as you can imagine. Thinking about the day I had with Justin before he passed away. (Yep, I still don't like the "D" word). I miss him so much.
We have some wonderful memories .... and he is still in my heart. I'll see him again one day.
That's the only thing that keeps me going.
I Love you buddy.
Mom
Justin,
I love you so much. We miss you. Zachary tells everyone about you. He does everything "just like my Daddy does ". Alicia is having such a rough time without you here. Please send her a sign to let her know it's okay, and that you forgive her. She and Zachary are such a blessing to Max and I .
Brandon misses you so much, too. He still can't believe you're gone. I keep telling him we will see you again one day.
Paige is starting college next week. I know you are proud, and you will continue to watch over her.
I hope we can feel your presence soon. We miss you more than anyone knows. This has devastatd us. We love you so much bubba.
You are in our hearts.
Mom
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Sending you all my love on this difficult day. Love Charlotte. xox
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My love and prayers to you today that you find some little comfort. He will always be with you. Warm hugs to you...sherry
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You are so right he is watching over you and your whole family. Let that give you a tiny bit of peace. But the first year is so... tough, i don't know what to tell you that could ease your pain. Hugs to you and your family at this hard time.
Susan
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I recognize myself in so much in your journals. It's a struggle just to keep one's self together on this journey. Sending you love and hugs, Cyn
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I'm so sorry I know your pain Justin's one year was very painful,reliving that day ,but it's still painful my heart aches everyday. I wish I'd went in to see Justin the police said he needed cleaned up and they thought it would be better. Screw the cops it was just another dead body to them.Anyway the coroner said it's better my family and friends said so too.They told me they were getting ready to bring him out in a body bag and it would be best if I would leave and I did now I CAN'T forgive myself shouldn't of matter that there was a little blood ,vomit,urine next time I seen him was at the funeral.I hope you took baby steps yesterday but I know that probably didn't happen.I'm sorry you had to relive your nightmare.Thinking of you.Are you doing any better today?Love Ya,Vicki
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Love ya!!!
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It is such a horrible memory...all of us have some version of that memory...how can it be? and yet it is! I have run through that day that Alex passed a million times...and cry...no mourn each time...as I am mourning your son as well. I pray that your cay isn't as hard as the anticipation of it was...peace to you my friend...and love to you...Karen
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Find comfort in your memories and hold your son close. Love and hugs Cathy
Today, I was able to post the picture of me and Sandy (Sandart). She is a sweetie and we bonded so well together when I met her a couple weeks ago.
It's so nice when you feel like getting out and enjoying yourself, and you come back feeling so refreshed and new.
We all need that. None of us want to forget our children ...... but we do need to at least try to remember what it was like to be happy. Doesn't mean we have forgotten them, or don't miss them. Because I guarantee you I miss Justin more than anyone knows and more than I could ever describe. Sometimes it's so bad I don't want to live anymore.
But as much as I miss him, I also have the GREATEST memories I could ask for of Justin.
Those memories are the only things that keep me going when I don't want to go on anymore.
Had I known he would leave me so soon, what would I have changed ?
I'm sure if I really thought about it, I could think about some things I would've changed. But nothing in particular comes to my mind. Justin was such a good loving person. He had a soft heart and had so much compassion. He was a giver, not a taker.
He and I had the best relationship you could ask for. I'm so thankful for that.
Today, I have been thinking about how lucky I am to have known him , and what all he brought to my life.
I don't know what purpose it served for him to be taken so soon ....in the prime of his life .... a proud father of a 4 year old son.
I don't know what we are to learn from this.
What I do know is that I miss him more than anything. But I will see him again one day.
That's what keeps me going ... that - and all those good memories.
And who would want to change that ?
Comments
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Your journal is such a great tribute to your son. You are so lucky to have had so many good memories with him. And you are very right you will see him again up in heaven.
As they say till you meet again...
Susan
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So glad you met Sandy. She has been my life line. She sets me straight when I get so out of it with sadness. You journal writing takes the thoughts right out of my head. I try to think of our sons together watching over us.
Barbara
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You are so right...we have to look for happiness and we have to be grateful for our time with our angel children....good for you...and thanks for the reminder...love to you...Karen
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I'm so thankful we have the memories. I'm happy you got to meet with Sandy. I haven't met her in person what I've learned about her on DS, she is an awesome person. Love Robin
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ur journal is a inspiration...thanks for sharing....hugging u so tight
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You are so right I've been getting out some and I feel better when I come back home.Oh I miss Justin more than words could ever say he too was a proud father of his 4 year old son and 6 year old daughter.I see you and me almost walking in the same shoes when was Justin's birthday?Love,Vicki
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I have pondered the same question. If I had known Tony's life was short what would I change. I come up with all the normal things...take him more places...spend more time with him....but I have no regrets. I know without doubt my son loved and respected me and it was returned. Who could ask for anything more....except more time with our children.
Past Entries
| July 2008 |
Monday, 7/28
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Wednesday, 7/16
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Friday, 7/04
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June 2008 |
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Thursday, 6/12
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Sunday, 6/01
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May 2008 |
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Friday, 5/23
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Wednesday, 5/21
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Friday, 5/16
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Monday, 5/12
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Sunday, 5/04
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April 2008 |
Tuesday, 4/29
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Wednesday, 4/23
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Sunday, 4/20
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Thursday, 4/17
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Friday, 4/11
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March 2008 |
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Monday, 3/31
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Thursday, 3/20
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Thursday, 3/13
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Wednesday, 3/12
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Tuesday, 3/11
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Monday, 3/10
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Saturday, 3/01
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February 2008 |
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Wednesday, 2/20
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Friday, 2/08
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January 2008 |
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Tuesday, 1/29
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Friday, 1/25
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Friday, 1/25
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Friday, 1/25
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Monday, 1/21
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Sunday, 1/13
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December 2007 |
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Thursday, 12/13
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November 2007 |
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Wednesday, 11/07
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Sunday, 11/04
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October 2007 |
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Wednesday, 10/10
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That year mark most often concludes those "firsts" whic are so hard to get through. I had our year a couple of months ago. It does devastate a family and creates a huge void that can't be filled. We just try to put those puzzle pieces together again. The picture will never look the same but it can still be beautiful. It's a challenge to find that beauty. Thinking of you. Much love. Robin
Robin4
All i can say is HUGS....
Take care of yourself.
Susan
sushi12
It took me a while to relize that Reggie wasnt coming back I just new they made a mistake saying he was gone even thoughI watch him take his last breath
Your in my prayers
love ya Caroline
sunnyc
It is a milestone that none of us should ever have to face. Hold on to Zachary and watch him grow into the lovely young man that Justin created. Sending love your way. Charlotte. xo
FJsMum
Hope you have a peaceful Day, your in my thoughts big hugs to you. Love ya Tammy
MissingJosh
I was so grateful to get past all those firsts. It seemed like after that I could feel myself starting to heal little by little.
I love you and pray that you have a peaceful week.
God bless you
Debbie
deborahd
It is a terrible tragedy...and the anniversaries are so hard...I just hope that today you find some peace. For me, I felt somewhat better after Alex's one year anniversary...all the firsts were over...love to you...Karen
biowoman
Thank you all for your comments and love. It helps to ease the pain.
It has been a difficult day. I did manage to go into work .... two hour late, but hey I made it in. My boss is an absolute gem, and he had actually told me to take the day off if I needed to .... but I decided to go on in once I got out of bed. Plus it's crunch time at work, and I really needed to get my work done.
Did I mention I don't get paid if I'm not there ??? !!!!
It has rained her ALL DAY LONG. That has not helped the mood. I have thought to myself the raindrops are all the tears I have cried this past year since Justin has been gone.
But I'm okay tonight. I've had so many people call me today ... checking on me .... and a couple of Justin's friends/ ex girlfriends called. It's funny how I've read other people's journals , and the ex-girlfriends will still call or come by after all that time. It's nice.
And I've had friends here at DS lend their ear, and also leave a special note .... and I thank you for that. We are like the links of a chain ... we are linked to each other to make one.
I am so lucky to have had Justin for the 25 years I did have him.
They were such special years with so many golden memories.
misshim
I'm hugging you so tight honey, because that is all I know to do. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I love you, Barbara
barbarak23
All I can do is give you a great big hug.Justin's 1 year liked to killed me.Boy I miss him I think it has finally sunk in that he's not coming back.He's in my heart and thoughts.I wish I could see him one last time here on earth.Take Good care of yourself and we did have our sons for a long time.I'm crying I better go.Oh by the way my middle name is Lynn??????? Love ya Kelly,Vicki
jfm24
Just passing my son Shauns one year mark on the 6th,
I feel what you've written. It has been one long emotionaly draining year - but we did it - somehow we faced each no day no matter how we felt. Bless you hon, I'm with you - and was also blessed by having Shaun for 29 years. (((((((Huge Hug)))))
Love & blessings,
Denimari
So sorry for your pain. Love and hugs Cathy
RockstarsMom