JA01's Journal

I’ve been sick for the past week or so. It’s only a cold, but I’ve felt like crap. Hard to breath, sore throat, I’m coughing a lot, etc. Therefore, I haven’t been able to run. It’s weird -- I was at a point where I dreaded getting out there at 5:15 AM, or trying to get a few miles in after work when I had so many other things to do. But now that I can’t do it, I miss it terribly. That’s why the latest New Balance ad campaign is so perfect. This truly is a love/hate relationship. I had gotten into the habit of using my time while running to sort through all the shit going on in my life. For whatever reason, my thoughts seemed clearer after the 4 mile mark. So without running, I guess I have to dump my crap here.

My 13 year wedding anniversary is next week, and oddly, I’ve not thought too much about it. If I end up feeling sad or angry that day, it’s ok. I’m allowed to have those days. There will be more of them, I’m sure. Just as there will be plenty of good days. It’s called Life. Deal with it.

I may have come to realize that the most depressing thing about all of this is the fact that I feel like I’ve failed myself. All my life, I’ve been about average. Grades, looks, athletic ability, social status – all just about average. When I got married, I truly believed it was for life. If everything else in my life was average, at least I had a relationship that was not. It was so far above average it was frightening. Everyone could see it and told us so. We knew it too. But, as things go, it wasn’t to last. Again, that’s life. And I realize that it’s not HER that I miss, it’s the feeling that that relationship had once given me. That’s why I sometimes feel like I’ve failed myself. I know things will get better (hell, they already are to a certain extent), and I know I’ll be fine. I just need to let things happen and let time pass.

Wow – I need to get back out there and run. Seeing this in print is embarrassing. It’s much better tucked away in my average brain.