Garrison's Journal

Yesterday, SHE emailed me, asking if there was any important mail for her.  I replied with a listing of what there was and a promise to get them to her.  She called me on my cell this evening in a real pissy and bitchy mood.  She asked about the mail again and I said that I would drop it off at her place in mailbox, which I did while she was at work.  She made me promise that any school-related mail gets to her.

I had an odd dream last night that shook me up.  I dreamed that we got back together and we had a kid, a girl.  Then, my X died after complications of cervical cancer (which she is actually being tested for right now, does not look good).   I was left to raise the child alone.  The dream fast forwarded to when the child was about nine or ten years old and I was a single father.  I waited for her in the foyer of her school after I watched her perform in her Christmas concert with her class.  I watched the other parents - couples - greet their kids as they came out.  I did my best to deal with the polite looks and greetings and small talk that the other parents gave me until my "daughter" came out.

There were other "scenes" in the dream, like me waiting for the child to come home after she went out somewhere.  I was standing alone in a dark room (how sterotypical) looking out the window, debating staying there and waiting and going out to look for her.

The dream bled into another "scene" where my "daughter" and I were shopping for Xmas presents in some kind of department store.  She observed out of nowhere that I missed "mommy".

I woke up crying.  Sounds pathetic over a dream, but true.  Upset.  A weird empty feeling in my stomach.  I woke up from this dream at 3AM and tried to get back to sleep, but was unable to.  I instead tossed and turned, trying to shake the dream and the uneasiness that it gave me.  It was after 9AM when I realized that I was fighting a losing battle, so I got up to do some running around.

The image of the child and how she looked has stayed with me.  I tried to get my mind off things by running errands - getting groceries, paying bills, stopping into work to check up on things and pick up some paperwork and do some mail-outs for the office.  Went shopping for some new work clothes and realized that I was going to one of HER favorite stores, so I grabbed what I needed and got the hell out of there.  I was "off" all day today - unorganized and out of it.  Almost got into a car accident, I was so spacey.

Coming home, it hit me again: she is not coming home.  Again.  Ever.  Some kind of new finality hit me.  I tried to ignore the feeling, but after the last few days that I have had, I just filed it under the "bad crap" pile in my head to mull over, as I have the tendancy to do.

I thought of the dream.  What the heck was with the kid aspect?  Why did it bother be so much?

It made me realize that Christmas would be rough for me this year.  usually spent it with her and her family, as I really do not have any family and all of my friends are out of town.  I came to that realization before, but it hasn;t bothered me as much as it did today.

Thinking about this stupid dream, I realized that it upset me, that I cried, for a couple fo different reasons.  Dealing with losing HER, probably over something that I had no control over, was hard to accept.  I also mourned the fact that teh daughter that we wanted to have would not happen - it made me so happy in my dream to see this child.

I know, just a dream... there will be other opportunities, all that jazz... it was just hard to take and for some reason it still is... what the hell is wrong with me?