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Denimari's Journal

Journal Entry for January 10, 2008 Mood

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Woke up this morning feeling extremely cranky and sick. I just want to take a Valium and sleep the day away. I can't win for loosing and I'm so tired. Expectations of what I can do right now are too much for me - or just seem to be. No job yet, am I surprised? No - Life is just being cruel to me right now. Running my son Josh three times a week for therapy - has not been easy either.

Gas is expensive - and now instead of taking the bus to school - he wants me to drive him, so I'm up at 6am, no matter what time I fall asleep - to drive him. I've started having nightmares again too. Trying not to upset anyone here - but the past two nights - I've been having nightmares of Shaun knocking on his coffin - the sounds wake me up - then I toss and turn. It's awful.

Plus no matter how much I do around here - it's never appreciated - the jerk I live with said

"Josh hasn't had the same mom since Shaun died, - even though all of Joshs' needs are met, and exactly how can I be the same mom, when I'm a grieving mom? If I'm doing my best, to make sure everyone here has what they need - why do I feel like they think I'm not doing enough?

I've already cancelled an apt. I had this morning - my stomach is queezy - I can't work miracles,

and how dare my younger brother tell me to put my grief in my back pocket? He's never married or raised children........I'm just disgusted today - can you tell?

Hug Denimari

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Comments

HUG URSELF TODAY!!!!
BE GOOD TO URSELF....U CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH
GET SOME REST AND TAKE CARE OF URSELF...BUT HANG IN THERE...THINK OF A GOOD MEMORY THAT WILL MAKE U SMILE...LOVE YOU

DianaLynn
Don't let anyone tell you how to be or feel. Of course you are not the "same mom." Josh is not the same kid either. We are all doing the best we can. Don't let anyone make you feel defensive. You have to take care of YOU!!!!! Get some rest today. I find that when I am overly tired things seem so much harder and worse to deal with. Give yourself time and permission to heal. You're doing an amazing job at life. Hang in there. Hugs your way, my friend. Love, Nancy

NancyFFIC
Hang in there and be kind to yourself and do only things that help...not tear down...others don't always help and so sometimes we have to ignore them...if that is possible...love and peace...Karen

biowoman
Dear friend, I'm sorry things are so difficult now. Like everyone else who has responded, take care of yourself. Be kind, loving and patient with yourself. If you can't manage day by day, just take it minute by minute. Your live in needs a swift kick, go give him one (lol). Thinking of you. Love Robin

Robin4
WE ARE HERE FOR YOU DEAR LADY...I KNOW HOW UR HEART IS HURTING JUST AS THE OTHER GRIEVIVG MOMS KNOW...TELL UR BROTHER TO FIND A TALL CLIFF AND PUSH HIMSELF OFF OF IT!!!LOL MUCH LOVE, TERESA LYNN

EMT
There is no way to explain to someone that hasn't lost a child that you CAN'T be the same again. We will never be the same. We somehow have to learn to carry on, but no one can tell you you're not doing enough. You do what you can and that's that! Be kind and gentle to yourself.

CynK
Unless your brother has lost a child, he has no way of knowing your pain. We grieving mothers belong to a club that no one wants to join. Together, we'll make it to whatever our "new" life will be.

RiJi
hey, only u & our heavenly Father know how we feel. Grieving is real & there is no way around it, but to go through it. i'm praying for your new job where it will fit your needs. thanking God for it. hugs, smiles, healing prayers, & lol. Bess

Bess2
I find the distance between my and my suviving son getting larger and larger each day. He is alive, but it's as if I've lost him too. I'm so obsessed with losing Nick and Jordan, I forget Travis is still here. He seems to have gone on. I on the other hand am stuck in sorrow. I know exactly how you feel. No one can tell you how to feel. There is no way the people in your life, telling you what to do, could understand what you are going trough. Big Hugs to you, Barbara

barbarak23
Don't let anyone tell you how to grieve, how to feel. You are doing the best you can right now....just like we all are. I am so sorry about the nightmares. I understand how terrible those can be. I have had a few of them myself & they are so real & horrific. I will pray that you will find peace in your sleep, and maybe have some beautiful dreams. I hope that things turn around for you, and you find the job you want. When the time is right you will. Don't worry about upsetting us, this is your journal so always speak what you need to. Don't hold things in for fear of upsetting others. You can't hold these feelings inside. They will eat you up, and I know it's not pleasant or good for you. I am hoping that you find peace soon. I am here for you if you need to talk or if there is anything I can do. I will do it. Hugging you so tight & keeping you close in my thoughts & prayers. Love
Candice

candiceS
Just tell them to get lost. They have no idea what it is like. Give yourself a giant hug from me. Praying that a great job lands in your lap, and that God may grant you all the strength you need right now. Love and hugs Cathy

RockstarsMom