abbaby's Journal

I cannot even seem to bring myself to write anything lately....my journal and time on here have not happened in months....and I am not even keeping a pain journal like I am supposed to.  I guess I figure my pain is just constant...why write about it for myself.  It sucks....who am I?  I usually cannot stop writing.  I think part of me is giving up.  I had another radiofrequency procedure which has left me in incredible pain that is not helped at all by what they are giving me.  I have the second half of my head/neck done this friday...and I am dreading it....thinking of cancelling it just so I am not in more pain!  So ironic that everything they try to do to get us out of pain causes more it seems.  I just do not have much hope at all of this stopping or getting better at all. 

I saw a new naturopath doc....she does accupuncture and chiropracter things...but when I saw her she aggreed that she could not even touch my body.  She put me on a rather strict diet to help pain and inflamation....but its miserable!  I cannot eat dairy or wheat (those are the two worst ones)  And I basically have to cook for every meal.  I do not have time or energy.  I wish I could be done with work...but I can't, and all I ever want to do is lay in bed on ice or heat.  I cannot knit really because of the nerve damage from the first procedures...and now I am waking up in the night regularly.  I am so tired and frustrated.....I really do not give a sh!# about any work I have to do.  And now eating...which is something I have enjoyed ( and I eat well, mostly vegitarian ect.) is a chore....I have to "find " something to eat for each meal.  I know it has only been about 9 days, and it could be a month before I see results....but it is making me miserable really.  It is just adding to my frustrations,  and making me more cranky than I already am.  Every day is a chore....just getting through.  I don't even know what to say.  I am sure I sound pretty depressed.....I guess I may be, but its almost like I barely feel anything.  I do not feel nearly enough to write about it everyday.....I think this is a bad sign...but what do I do?  I have to get through the school year so we can move.....I desperately need all the money I can make....yet I can barely teach......I feel like I am forcing my body beyond its limits everyday.  

Where can I go from here?  I feel stuck....I cried over spoiled turkey last night cause it was my dinner....and all I could have in the house.  I know I need to write to keep up with myself....and get it all out of my head....I cannot control my body...but I can at least help my mind....There is my advice I am looking for!  Funny how that happends.