tcoburn's Journal

Hey guys, I just wanted to pop in and say hello to all my friends, and to appologize for not being on here in awhile..  I promised a certain family I wouldn't bring this up, and I won't, but I will say in general terms,  this experience that happened between this girl, her family, and I,  has scared me away from the computer for the last month or so, and getting to know people from long distances in general.  Between being accused of lying, threatened against my life, and the other misunderstandings that went on,  I've given up on finding true love, and have given up on Computers and talking to people from them in general.  Nothing personal, I just can't do this anymore.

This experience has made me realize, long distance relationships don't work out, so if I do ever fall in love, it wil be with someone local.  I learned my lesson is what I'm trying to say..  I don't want to date anyone from Rhoad Island, Texas, Kentucky, Ohio, or anywhere else far away ever again.  If I ever do, it will be in Warsaw Indiana,  not 3,000 miles away.  I'm terribly sorry if that hurts peoples feelings, but long distance relationship just don't work out, they just don't.

Originally, I wanted to meet someone this way, because I wanted someone who is interested in the Computer as much as me, for it is easier to get to know people here then it is in real life sometimes. Plus I'm a Computer major in College, and since my whole life is the Computer regardless of my relationship status because of that, I want someone who likes computers as much as I do.   My ex and I met over the computer originally, actually every relationship I've ever had in my life has started here,  but we were lucky enough to be living in the same town.  She was still married living with her husband at the time, but I didn't see a problem with it because I was single, and I was there when she told him about us.  The only thing I said to her at the time was, you have to make a choice....either me...or him....but you can't have both...and that was all I said to her... So she made her choice, she left him, moved in with me, and we got married..   which even my mom said, who is the strongest christian I know, said there was nothing wrong with that. In fact I was living with her at the time we started dating, so she knew everything that was going on, and she didn't have a problem with me dating a married woman because she knew the circumstances were complicated. My mom just said the same thing I did, that she had to make a choice, either him or me...    Of course we ended up separating but thats beside the point.  The point being, I didn't have a problem with her relationship status as long as she was being honest with me, and neither did my family, or her family.

I have never lied to anybody I have ever dated.   Granted, I've had to lie to parents before, because you know how it is, parents before they get to know a person, can be overly judgemental, overly critical, overly pushy, and all that,  so to avoid being lectured, judged wrongly, and all that, I've had to lie to parents. Not to my parents, for my parents aren't like that as long as she's got a job, and is female, hehe, thats all they care about, hehe, but to other peoples parents yes I've had to lie several times to them before, otherwise they would judge me before getting to know me, thats just how some parents can be.  I mean, it just has to be done, but that doesn't mean I don't love the person I am with,  and that I wouldn't be a good and faithful person.  I've never cared about anyones relationship status that I've been out with,  for we ALL have a past,  and there is nothing we can do about that past,  all we can concentrate on is the present, for I do have to find a way to get on with my life somehow.

I mean, with the price of gas, and living expenses the way they are, its impossible for a single person to live on their own, and since dating a girl still living with her parents is an obvious turn off for a guy,    just like if a guy was still living with his parents you as a girl would wonder why, and why he isn't living on his own yet.    Well, since dating a girl living with her parents is out, and since living by yourself can't be done with the way gas prices are today, what other choices do I have to date?  Chances are, my next girlfriend will probably still be married, or living with a guy, or something,  but just like my parents said to me, there is nothing wrong with that, but she has to make a choice,  either you, or him,  she can't have both, thats just the way it is.

After all, despite how things have turned out in my past relationships, the one goal I've always had,  is to fall in love, get married, stay married, and have a dozen kids.  Thats what I want, its what I've always wanted, but I also know God is in control of my life, and I have to do what he wants me to do, not what I want to do.  I'll be the first to admit, it was wrong of me to date someone 18 years younger then me,  just like it was wrong of me to marry someone 18 years older then me,  but I am trying very hard to make up for my past mistakes in life.  I do however, believe there are no accidents in life, that I met Dophi for a reason, just like I met my ex for a reason, so I don't regret any of my past relationships in any way, for they've taught me valuable lessons I'll never forget.   I want to meet someone my own age, who wants kids as much as I do, but I also want to meet someone local, not 3,000 miles away,  otherwise its just too diffucult to get to know eachother,  especially with overy critical parents, it just doesn't work out unless we can talk face to face.

so because of all that, I'm going to take a break from dating, and a break from the Computer for awhile, for I am so sick of getting hurt, sick of getting accused of lying, and just getting picked on in general by people on here, for none of you really know me, only my family knows me, and there fine with everything I've been doing, and I don't appreciate being judged by other families who don't know me.. For its not our job to judge others, only God is my judge. So I am taking a hiatus from all of this computer crap for awhile and just disappear into my own home community for awhile.

I do want to say, I am really sorry for everything that has happened.   I really am a good person.  I may have chosen someone that wasn't my ideal mate, I admit that was wrong, but I am a good person, I don't lie, and I am a Christian, and I think that is what I need right now is to take a break from all this, goto church and get to know God better, and instead of dwelling on the past, constantly being reminded of the mistakes I've made in my past, focus on the future,  and what ever it is that God has planeed for me, for I want to do what is right in the eys of the Lord, but I also don't want to be judged by people who dnn't know me, for I don't need that on top of everything else I'm going thru right now. I need positive influences, not a bunch of negitivity.

Well, as some of my friends here know, I have been taking the remainder of my classes this summer.  I finished up my internship class today, and I still have critical thinking class to finish up, which will be completed on July 28th, then I'll be done for the summer, woohoo!!

next I'll be going for my bachelors at Indiana Tech. I think instead of starting right away like I had originally planned, I'm going to wait a year or two.  I'm going to see if I can locate permanent employment with my Associates, and if not, then wait until 2009 to go for my Bachelors, since I'll qualify for more student financial aid at that time.  I want to go for a Bachelors degree rather I locate permanent employment or not, but it just depends on what my financial status is like at that time. 

Since I'm single, I'll qualify for more Aid, but at the same time, its hard to live on Social Security Disability, so I may end up finding permanent employment first.   I just have to hope if I do find permanent employment, I can still go back to college later. I hope so,  I guess we'll see how it goes, because I'm sure if I do find permanent employment, its not going to be much more then I get on Social Security Disability, probably even less.

I had been making plans to visit my girlfriend for a week in August, ya know just to goto church together and such. I had no plans of sleeping with her or hurting her in any way,  then if that worked out, go up and visit her parents and possibly live there if they accepted me into their family, but now those plans have been changed due to recent events in our relationship status with threats against my life, so I will just stay here in Indiana instead and go for my Bachelors degree like i had originally planned.  I was originally going to move up there when I had the money saved for an airplane flight and U-Hall, and since I knew it was going to take me at least a year to save up that  kind of money, get to know her and her parents better, possibly get re-married in a year or two, but now all those plans have been changed due to the recent threats against my life, now I am not dating anyone anymore due to miscommunication problems and I plan on staying that way for a very long time.  I'm not messing around with girls anymore, all they do is get me into trouble.  I would just meet someone here in town and not mess with long distance relationships anymore, but its kinda hard to meet anyone here in town either when you can't drive a car. so I don't even want to try to do that now. I'm better off just staying single for the rest of my life.   I still want kids of my own yeah, but after recent events, I've learned no girl is worth all this trouble, no girl.  They just don't understand that when your Legally Blind, and unemployed, you can't just pack up and move to another state, it takes years to save up the money to do something like that, because for one thing, you have to hire someone to do the moving for you, you can't just pack up and leave when you can't drive a car, especially when you have no credit score established, so I figured I'm better off alone.

Well, this weekend was busy for me..  Friday I walked to walmart from my house and watched the fireworks over pike lake go off, they set 'em off at 10pm here, because it doesn't get dark until then here.. Saturday I went up to a friends house in syracuse Indiana to watch the fireworks go off out there, and ended up spending the night over there, not on purpose,  I made a new friend, her name was hailie, she's 2 years old and she fell asleep on my chest after playing cars and pick-a-boo with her all day.  oh it was fun.  my friend is happily married so its not like that, but her 2 year old fell in love with me that night, it was soo cute!!   I made a new buddy, we played cars on the dirty kitchen floor, pick-a-boo in the family room,  tom pushing her around in the little bicycle, tom picking her up flying her around like an airplane, oh it was fun!!!  I got down on the dirty kitchen floor and played cars for most of the time the fireworks were going off, then as I'd walk away she'd grab my hand and pull me to where she wanted me to go, oh it was so fun!!

yes I am good with kids, I don't know why. They just seem to be drawn to me for some reason.  I always said if I can find a woman who loves me as much as kids do, I'd never have a problem finding someone to go out with.  like this little boy at friday nights fireworks display just walks up to me and starts talking to me for like an hour.  He was asking me what my cane was for, why I wear those sunglasses, and other such stuff.  Before I knew it we were playing the rest of the evening, so I don't think I actually got a chance to see any of the fireworks go off both days...ugh.  lol.

But at the same time, it makes me soo mad too, because the mothers of these kids who are so drawn to me don't care for me at all..  I mean, hailie's mom let me play with her all day, and even made it a point to mention hailie is more drawn to me then her own father, but if a single lady has kids and there drawn to me like that, the mother becomes offended, like jealous almost, and thats usually all she wrote there. 

I will never understand women in all my life.  you'd think having the kind of personality to draw kids to you would be a turn ON, not a turn OFF,  thats the part I will never understand.  I was talking to a single girl on myspace the other day, who said she don't want  no man coming between her and her daughter, that her daughter always comes first,  and I keep thinking...what is wrong with having a boyfriend to help out?  I mean geez, there are hundreds and thousands of good step-fathers in the world, why does a single mother have to choose between a child and a boyfriend, shouldn't she be able to have both?

thats the conversation I had this weekend with hailie's mom, its like, what is so wrong with having both a boyfriend and a daughter at the same time?  Can single mothers not have both? or is it just a line they use to basically say "I don't like you leave me alone" kind of thing?  because thats what I think it is personally, at least thats what it seems like..  I mean I know how your kid feels isn't the same as how her mom feels, but why do they have to use their kid as an excuse instead of just being honest and saying "I don't like you"  is beyond me.

Take my single friend on myspace for instance, she told me her boyfriend broke up with her last weekend because he got too close to her kid.  I'm thinking to myself "if he got too close to her kid, it sounds to me like SHE broke it off with him because he got too close, NOT the other way around".  Am I right or am I right? A guy isn't going to break up with a girl because he got too close to her daughter unless she pushed him away to begin with.