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kjam's Journal

Doing well Mood

Friday, July 18, 2008 | A Positive story

Well, today I decided to take a little time to jot down whats been going on for the last few months considering that I haven.t journalled in almost 4 months. I have finally begun to move out of the sadness stage of grieving into the place of peace true peace that my mom is no longer dealing with the pain of her illness. It is so wonderful how I feel her at times pulling for me to make it through and so many little neat things that have happened lets me know that she and my dad are up in heaven smiling down at me . Pulling strings for me. It has been a real journey the last 7 months. I wondered how I would make it some days. The anxiety would plague me so heavily at times. Thank God it has subsided. Yes there are still moments that something will come on tv that will move me to tears in memory of my mom and the relationship that we had. I tend to get arritated at people who say that they are angry at their parents. At least they have them. I want to let them know to love and cherish their families while they still are alive so they have no regrets after they are gone. My brother never was there for my mom or dad when they were alive and he will have to deal with that for the rest of his life. He had alot of resentment that he just wouldn.t let go of and it affects our relationship now. We don't even talk anymore. I wish we could be closer but he has always withdrew himself for some reason, I'll never understand. Overall everything is going pretty well in my life. I have begun to focus on my own family now and yes there have been situations going on there. My oldest son who is eighteen has been a real challenge. I am going to have to tell him that it is time for him to move. I have done all I can do to help him get on his feet and all he wants to do is sleep and get up when he is good and ready to around 1 to 4 in the afternoon. He doesn't seem to get that he is not a kid anymore. He has graduated and needs to work for a living now. Since his plans for college have not come to fruition. He did have a job at a grocery store but resigned abruptly when I told him he couldn't drive my car anymore. We live 3/4 mile away. He so could have walked. It was a disciplinary action I took because he was not being responsible and was disrespectful to me and my husband by yelling and so on. I decided that I was not going to make it easy for him anymore. And I won't take his BS anymore. I don't care if he has emotional problems or not I am done. Time for me now. If I sound selfish, good for me. I have realized that I have sacrificed myself for so long that I forgot who I am. No one has done much for me in return. My youngest son who is 13 is a total different kinda guy. He can hardly wait to work and make money. He has saved quite a bit already by doing chores and little extra things around the house. And he does things even if he doesn't get anything back in return. It just makes him feel good to do it. Yea he argues sometimes but we nip it in the bud and he straightens his attitude up after a while. I think he has seen what my other son has done to be disruptive and doesn't want to follow in his footsteps. My oldest is not considered by us as a bad seed or anything, i'ts just that he makes very poor decisions and has been very disrespectful at times and we are at the end of dealing with it. Hopefully when we tell him to leave he will begin to make better for himself and be responsible. I want to see him do well I really do. My husband has been doing real well. He is going to therapy and working through the issues he has had for so long. It seems to be helping quite a bit. He took a second job that is a real ego booster for him. It has helped him grow mentally and he is beginning to feel more positve about himself because of it. He is the type of person that needs to keep busy or else he will have to much time to obsess over menial things. We have begun to understand this as he has started his second job. It has been a saving grace to our marriage and I believe if he keeps up this momentum it will help our marriage to survive and maybe even thrive. He still falls off of course at times but I just don't respond in anger anymore, I just patiently let him know "you are doing something I can't be a part of." Sometimes it works and sometimes I have to walk away and leave the situation. But he eventually comes around. Well, I better close this up for tonight. So long till later.

UPDATED GOALS

grieve successfully

Progress 100%

Encouragements: 0

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