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Hi to all of my friends on here. I have been up all night thinking about everything I am and where I have been and what goals I want in my life.I have come so far...really proud of how i have grown as a person but I also feel very"stuck".
I am the first one to tell all of my friends that they don't need a man to complete who they are.Sure,it is great and wonderful and awesome to be in love and appreciated for who you are,but I have several problems that make me unique.I mean,everyone is unique,but these problems hamper certain aspects of my life.
Before I go any further,I may be disclosing very personal information...if you'd rather not read it,please stop here...but these things are all a part of who I am,so I can't really exclude mentioning them.
First,I will just suffice it to say that I have been a victim of sexual attacks more than once before I was an adult.My first time was at knifepoint and I guess that made me choose my ex husband at an early age,because he was sweet and non threatening.I got married a few months after my 18th birthday,and was with him for the next 17 years.We were 18 and 20,but i took my vows seriously.
I was brought up in a Christian home and believed in making your spouse happy,so I gave him sex,even when he was rough and violent.He did unspeakable things to me,as the alchoholism and irrational behavior became more and more apparent.I never cheated,but his guilt of his affairs made him want to abuse me even more.I finally left him,but I was in a car crash on an icy night that changed my life.I smashed both knees repeatedly against the underside of the dashboard,crushed vertabrae in my neck and back.I was unable to consider my career as a store manager and was forced to live with my mother when I lost my home.My two youngest children were given to my abusive ex because he had a job...nevermind that he took my son out,drunk,in 40 degree weather,barefoot...the judge only saw $$$ signs. I fell into such a deep depression,I cried out to God to just kill me...I couldn't deal with all of the pain.At the time I felt very much alone.My friends were friends with my ex as well as myself,and I hid the abuse as best I could(I had a reputation as being a strong business woman)My mom and sister told me that my depression and atitude"brought them down"and they didn't want me around like that.I thought of suicide,but deep down I knew that God was there...and I was angry and hurt and felt that HE had turned on me...so I wanted no part of it.
Well,when I thought I could take no more,I went online and made a friendship with this guy from across the country that seemed so supportive.I confided every fear,painful event,etc. to him,and he was there.I became dependant on him.He had relationship problems and we listened and helped each other out.When I thought I was ready to date,he encouraged it,always gave great,well thought out advice,etc. When I started seeing this one guy,he pegged him right away.I told him he was just overprotective,but he told me the guy was a con artist and liar,he listened to everything carefully that I told him and warned me.He was right...the guy was"homeless"and would give a sob story to women,be allowed to"sleep on the couch for a few nights"which,of course,ended up becoming much longer....then taking off(usually with money,etc.)and hooking up with another woman,in another state,via the net.
After that lesson,I became suspicious and wouldn't date.My friend also told me that he was used by his girlfriend(again,he met her via the net,and was sending her 1/2 of his paycheck...not knowing that she was in actuality,living with a guy!)
We both were crushed,felt stupid and used and it was natural that we comiserated together.After knowing him for 6 years(even before my divorce,we had met in a single parent going through a separation group)I am not sure when it happened exactly,but I fell head over heels for him.After his being my rock for so many years,it seemed so natural.I went to Florida and became lovers with him,had a weekend with him.That is huge,because I DO NOT believe in casual sex...but I gave him my heart,anything that i had...I am sure that God would approve.Anyway...I come back home and suddenly my friend,the one who knew me best,was cold and distant.I felt so empty and emotional at the same time.I didn't just go there to have a lusty weekend romp,I thought we were true soulmates.It took a long time to get on decent talking terms with him again.I should have seen his manipulative personality...but was too blind.Surely,someone who put so many hours into advice,etc. wasn't a lecherous creep.So...after a year or so goes by,and he sees how independant and emotionally stable I am,he suddenly asks me to move there...just drop everything and get rid of my stuff and move 1,400 miles.He talks about my going to school,the opportunities there,and how it would be so great for us both.So...with a fear in my heart,I take a leap of faith and move to Fla. from Pa.
I was there less than two weeks and saw how he treated his elderly mother,his children and acted like a slob.I was expected to have things exactly as he wanted them,but to be treated without respect. HECK NO!!!!
So,I grabbed the next pass back home(with no home or belongings)I started at the begining all over again....older and wiser.I heard that song"Tattoo"by Jordan Sparks as I left Tampa....wow,was that ever fitting! People you love always will leave a stamp on your heart...whether they deserve it or not,when you love freely,it will be there.I found a cute little apartment with most utilities included and spent time finding thrift shop finds and cheap furnishing to decorate it with.It's not the fancy furniture and stuff that I used to have but it's cute and comfortable.I have received many compliments on my decorating on a dime skills.
I turned my heart towards helping others and towards the one person who WAS and IS always there for me...GOD.I guess he allows us to fall on our faces because there is no way to look but up at that point.I have started at the begining and am reading the entire bible.Wow...Genesis has some really really screwed up characters that found favor with God! Jacob WRESTLED with God!!! I guess He really does love us sinners,and there's proof,lol
Anyway...I am happy with my life,but as a woman over 40,who has some health issues(not bad,but they ARE there)and with the life I've lived....what do you think the chances are of finding true and lasting love? I know what NOT to do....but I have heard that I have a better chance at being hit by lightening than being happily married,lol
Comments
That is exactly why I told Benny if anything ever happen to him I would never get married again I truly believe he was my soulmate and I was very blessed to have such a wonderful man to share my klife with for all these years. I miss his so bad and sometimes it feel like my heart is going to explode it hurts so bad and I don't want to go on without him. Then my children and my granddaughter, daddy and brothers and my sis in laws with all my nieces and my church family bring me back because they tell me they already lost Benny and they don't want to lose me too. I feel selfish but it is so hard to make it through the day without him but then at the end of the day I am still here so I think about that song "One day at time, sweet Jesus that's all I'. asking from you" and a that sonf says so much. Yesterday at church the pastor stopped me to ask how I was doing and I told him I was having a really hard time so he said a prayer with me and I believe prayer and devotation time everyday does help alot. I would not be here now if not for my family and church family. I am not trying to preach to you but one thing my husband was doing in his few months on this earth was talking to people everywhere about Jesus and being saved and giving his testimony and I made a promise to him after I lost him that I would continue to do the same.It has been hard not because I lack faith because I have 100% faith in God,I just miss my husband so much and our life was so intertwined that it is hard. We did everything together. I know he is having praising and rejoicing and is better off where he is and is very happy. That does bring me peace. I know I sound like I am talking out of both sides of my mouth, he was taken so sudden and he had such a terrible accident thank God they say he died instantly but the media was all over it for a couple of weeks. I did not watch TV or look at news paper because people told me have graphic it was and I would never be able to get that out of my mind. Well I am rambling. I don't know your beliefs but I am telling you my church has been here for me 100% and I pray several times a day for strenght it does help. But it is going to be with me for the rest of my life.
Well you take care and I hate the things that have happened to you but you telling others will help other people be more cautious. I think what you have written is very brave and I am proud of you!! Have a great night.
maria64
When love is meant to be, it will happen. After a couple of crappy relationships myself, i decided i was going to live for me, and two months later i met my husband. In November, we'll be together 6 years, married for 5. We got married on the anniversary of our meeting... we never argue, we live well together, we don't lie to each other, and we are still very much in love. It can happen, i had a little faith and God put two lost souls together. Lots of hugs and kisses, Deb :0)
Debbie66
Val, My dear friend. I wish I could take all the hurt away. You need to understand that it's not your fault.We have a tendency to blame ourselves.We trusted, we loved,we shared, we beleived, we were wrong. Or were we. It's not us It's them. They made the choice. To misuse the trust, not return the love, to be shelfish,to crush our dreams and spirit.We never stop to think that these things have to happen. So we are wiser,stronger and better for it. I truely beleive that the more we suffer here. The higher we will sit with God there. You know if anybody has an idea how your thinking it is me. I've been there. Everywhere you have been,I have visited. I've learned alot from all the crap I've gone through. Val they win when we stop living, stop beleiving, stop loving, stop caring. The best revenge: Is to live your life well. Peoplwho try to destroy you. Suffer. It's called JEALOUSLY. It eats at them everyday. Your happy, your loving, your beleiving again, your dreaming, faith is restored,and your spirit is alive again. you know we try to be so strong. Isn't how amazing how we don't take our own advice. This comes from my heart. I know it's right. Yet we keep beating ourselves up. I know why. because we are alone. I think we somehow feel as though we did something wrong and are being punished. Like we deserve this. That is our heads talking. Let's you and I do something. I promise you that if I get any negative thoughts. About anything,doesn't matter.I will tell them that I don't hear them and to go away.Then I will say I know God will bring me only good things and only good things can happen to me. Promise me,you'll do the same.I will call you this weekend.We will do a dump on me and I'll dump on you. Then we'll throw all our trash out to the curb and never look back. put on the coffee and i'll bring the italian butter cookies and tissues.All the hugs in the world to you. G
ONESHOTGINA
Hey Val. That is a lot of pain for one person to have to endure through the years. You are a fighter, you are so strong, and a beautiful soul. I believe it is possible to find love again. We never know when or with whom, but it is possible. Do your thing and what makes you happy right now. The loneliness can suck. I've been getting on here to help with that and it does help. There are such wonderful people. thank you for opening your soul to all of us and sharing. I think you are an amazing person! Hugs.
amanda28sw