J0KEYJ's Journal

The true Jokey Mood

Monday, May 5, 2008

05/o5/08 When you are diagnosed with a tumour,I so think we forget about the emotions,the impact on our lives,of our looks because we can be changed, of our jobs because some cant work ,whether we can hold on to our marriages because of the different person we have become.When I was diagnosed and it was to my great relief because people never believed me.I looked to alot of people I was losing my mind making things up.I was not only fighting against the symptoms which can be debilitating but I was fighting against people also.Acromegaly I think is a slow cruel condition which can creep up on us slowly we dont know its there.I can only say for myself but it so tried to isolate me from people.Because you are not functioning properly.The only favour acromegaly did for me was my allergy to alcohol it would not allow me to drink which then maybe I could blot out the pain for a short while.Looking back now that maybe would have not been a good idea.I didnt ask for any of these symptoms what have I done to deserve it I have not the answer.But one thing I found out was who my true friends were and still are.They stood up and held out their hands and pulled me out of the black hole for which I would have ended up in.I was in a battle with something evil which had me in its grip.Extreme some people may think who see me now they see none of the scars outwardly.But the battle still goes on inwardly.The one thing which I did not get as far as is depressionThere I am sure is a high rate who feel depressed and still do after being diagnosed.The treatments we may have to go through.I dont know how far off I was because being in pain not thinking straight How much longer can a person hang it. before depression would set in I am glad I did not get that far.Well I did get pulled out it was someone from the hospital who saw the thing that had me in its grasp.This man I am so grateful for.This man went out of his way to make sure I was being looked out for he even went in and made sure they was dealing with my case as soon as possible his words were if you are not dealing with this lady then why not.This person is one of my first to help me in battle.He held out his hand.On this journal I wont go into why I didnt go for surgery because it is in one of my others.I am on a drug option.I think looking back from now I really didnt know the impact or how bad I really was.I struggled though only because I have a bloody minded nature.The first drug dose made me so sick so you realize not of what you are going through or what I would be going through now.The next dose covered me for three weeks but the week before my next dose I would feel so tired I often lost my coping skills as the doctor so likes to put it.This dose was interesting because this is when the dreams started.I felt before I cant remember dreaming but on this one it started its not nightmares but still its strange and feels so vivid in my dream I was trying so hard to remember where I had put something.I just knew it was somewhere.I always felt something was misplaced.The dream was always of an attic.I was constantly looking for this object.I knew it was there somewhere but someone was moving it behind my back.I am not a person who looks the meanings of dreams up but maybe I will.It wasnt scary it was more of one that kept bugging me.Well the next dose this is the one that has helped but has made me the worse because its put me on the road to recovery.I have had to learn to develope all my coping skills for ten years I was not myself.Its like I have so many switches that suddenly were turned on at once.I have spoken to Daz on my friends list about this because of what he went through and his recovery.I think we have been quite similar in a way although different conditions.People think its simple you take a drug and you are ok.I think theres alot more to it.People have made the comment of my age of not being an old lady lol and yes I look really well I dont look dead as before.But I have so battled against my own mind.I so want to be how I was before this happened.I was a confident happy go lucky person.Now I am constantly checking on myself looking in the mirror to see if its really me who I see.Outwardly yes inwardly at the moment not sure but I know I will get there.The dreams are less and less now of feeling that something is misplaced.I have had help from some people.They have been on here they have made me laughThey have supported me made me feel good about myself and they know who they are true friendsThe friendship has worked both ways we have held each other up.Some have made me so angry and have had one or two clashes.Some I have so cried and been in awe for because of their pain and of their bravery and their courage to fight.There is one who I will say I am not sure of and he will read this and know who he is.Hes often annoyed me and I so many times wanted him to go off my friends list and he has because he pulled at my emotions the most.I have hated him often he has played with me for his own reasons but he has pulled me back when I have wished he would let me go.I felt on a emotional rollercoasterThis person I dont think realizes the pain he put me through by being himself.He made me feel like a crap friend.I have even felt stupid because he seems so much smarter.I think sometimes hes wrapped up in his problems and others he has not realized the hurt.I dont hate him because in a way I was determined to pull my emotions together and get me back and yes I am getting there slowly is he a true friend maybe until he annoys me yet again.But for me he is for him I am a pain in his ass.I am grateful to him as much as those who have supported me.It takes a special person to hold out their hand and help and sometimes it takes courage to take it to let people help us .

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Comments

I love you, Jokey.

c140cfi
Jokey, you're not only funny but you're incredibly brave to so candidly reveal your true self. You have shared some things in this post that will help others who are also struggling with similar issues. You have brought a lot of good to me in the short time I've been here. I'll bet the others have been blessed even more and for longer. Take care. Rose

PapillonRoseBleue
well said gracias

mctrjt
what more can i say!!! these mountains we climb, and days that are tough, you have been there every time, i hope i can be there for you now when you need me, u know im only stone throw away, xx keep up the smiling ( or eating the doggie choc...lol)
flouncy xx

flouncy
Everything is okay little girl. Love and Hugs, Mom

Doughboy
I am jealous of flouncy she is so close she can reach out to you in person...it's like when they stole your sink.....I wish i coudl of dropped one off...well know that I am sending lot's of hugs, quiet music, sweet smelling flowers, a massage therapist...and.....and.....and....gratefulness thathopefully will refill your spirit...thanks for being you!!!

mctrjt
wow! I'm seeing the other side of you here, and it's so honest of you to write all this down. You are an amazing woman to spend so much time on here checking up on how others are when you're feeling ill yourself. Thank you for sharing this. I hoped it helped YOU to write it all down.

Juice
I wish you all the best..when I read this, I cried. I don't let myself express, the deepest, darkest worries and feelings of this condition because I just don't want to get stuck down underneath it? If that makes sense? It could bury a person emotionally if you let it, so don't! Much Love and Understanding. XXXOOO

sonnyjojo4ku
if you ever need my hand will be there always your not going to climb this one yourself clip on to my safety line so if you go we go

swampy