Phew! I made it thro it ok :))
My son was 13 when I last broke down, so it was much easier, the whole family incl my ex worked together to keep everything `norm` whilst I wasnt..
I dont suppose u have mentioned to yr Mum that yr prime goal above all else is to keep the family together? n explained Black n white her plan wont do that! No chance of them fumbling thro together??
I was a `cant leave the house` Mum for 2 yrs.. U can `go in` n only be there for 5 days n then all this is unness..
But unfortunately u need to re-iterate to yr Mum that u r a grown up now, n whilst u need help, u r capable of making yr own decisions, she can either respect yr wishes or..
Mums always mean best, but practise sometimes lacks, but remember this is new to them 2! U wont have yr kids taken away, (providing obviously nothing is amiss) especially as u have a partner whom is willing to help u n yr kids.. Try n molly-coddle yr Mum into helping.. n remember to let her words drift over yr head, if u spk kindly n request her help it might be a bit different... Hoping 4U xxxx
Discussion Topic
PARENTING ISSUES: Advice Needed
Posted on 07/02/08, 07:01 am
Has anyone here had custody of their children taken away because of having bipolar, or rather, because of some of the behaviors of bipolar?
Has anyone here voluntarily given up custody (temporary or permanently) in the best interests of your kids?
Has anyone here identified the stress of being a parent as being a "trigger"?
I'm at a crossroads in my life and I'm not sure what to do. My condition is worsening daily without treatment. My kids are witnessing me going through horrific mood swings all day long and the behaviors and actions that go along with it. I do not abuse or neglect my children, but I know that witnessing what I go through with my mood swings is having an emotional and psychological impact on my children. I thought I had come up with a brilliant plan: I wanted to get my kids into a stable routine that my partner could manage without me, get support from friends and family to help with the transition, grant my partner conditional guardianship over my kids and name her power of attorney so she could take care of my financial and legal matters, then admit myself to an inpatient facility to get on meds and stay until we found the right combo to make me a functional human again. Though leaving my partner and my kids for an indefinite period of time to seek treatment would be difficult for all of us, I felt that the temporary separation would be well-worth it in the end, because if I could get myself stable, instead of being ill all the time, I would be a better partner, a better mother, a better person in general. I just want to get my life back together and be a functioning adult again, and this seemed to me to be a reasonable way to go about it.
Why would I want to leave home to get treatment if I'm not in crisis? Well I am sure many of you have experienced the side effects of trying new meds. For me, every medication has put me to sleep, no matter how high or low the dose, no matter how long I take them, that drowsiness never goes away. Even with the addition of stimulants, I can't stay awake and I end up living in a surreal dream-like fog, barely able to function. I can't be an attentive parent while I am going through drug transitions, just as I can't be an attentive parent with the constant mood swings.. I remember how scared my son would get when he was younger and I was on meds when I would just stare into space for hours, or sleep all day and no one could wake me up. I do not want my children to be scared of watching me go through the adjustments.
I also don't want my partner to have to watch me go through it again. It was a huge strain on our relationship. She couldn't get me to wake up in the mornings to get my son to school, and at the time she didn't understand that it wasn't because I didn't want to wake up, it was because I COULDN'T wake up. We used to get in fights about how "lazy" I was. I don't want to go through that again.
In addition to all that, the chaos of family life has become a major trigger for me. I will wake up in the morning chipper and ready to have a good day, but by mid-afternoon, I want to scream, cry, break things, cut myself... anything to relieve the build-up of frustration that I feel because I'm mostly low-functioning and can barely complete one task a day because of the constant interruptions. I have a toddler and a teenager, and between the two of them, I can't get a moment's peace. It takes so much energy to focus on completing something, and I can't get to that level of focus because one of the kids is in constant need of my attention. After starting and stopping the same thing 10+ times and still making no progress I start to fall apart at the seams. I feel like a failure because I can't manage to get one sink of dishes done, or remember to make an important phone call on the right day. I feel that the only way for me to get a true handle on my condition is to remove myself from the chaotic environment, get stabilized, then I can return when I am better equipped to deal with "real life".
I feel guilty for "wanting" to leave, but I feel it is for the best for the entire family.
My mother does not entirely agree with my plan. She agrees that at this point I should be institutionalized. I have become very unstable and unpredictable and she agrees that it is not appropriate for the children to be exposed to that. What she disagrees with is granting guardianship of the children to my partner (who has been their step-parent for the past two years, and was even at the hospital when my daughter was born) and feels that guardianship should only be granted to a blood relative. Although I somewhat understand my mother's point of view, if she were granted guardianship for instance, my kids would be uprooted from their home to go stay with her, the rules would be different, their schedules would be different, and on top of it all, they'd be removed from both of their parents, not just me. At least with my partner left in charge, there would be little change expect that I would be gone for a while and they would have to come see me in the hospital.
Another possible scenario is that my daughter's grandparent's might want to try to get guardianship of just my daughter which would remove her from her home, her parents and her brother, whom she is very attached to. My children have different fathers (neither whom can take full custody while I'm incapacitated), and my daughter's grandparent's would gladly take her, but my son would most likely go with my mom.
This would all defeat my primary goal, which is to keep my family together. In order to do that I have to get this illness under control so that it will stop controlling me and the people around me. I don't want to return from the hospital full of hope that things are going to be better only to find that everything has fallen apart, my children are angry and bitter for being abandoned, separated, and removed from their home. The whole point of this would be to prevent this type of separation being mandated without my consent. The goal is crisis prevention.
And the reason why this is all so relevant, is because where I live, when someone is nominated to act as guardian over minor children, all of the immediate family members (including grandparents) are called into court to decide what is in the best interest of the children. if the grandparent's object, even if both biological parents agree to the guardianship, the judge may choose to grant temporary custody to the grandparents instead of a same-sex domestic partner, regardless of the parent-child bond that already exists (especially between my partner and my daughter).
Here's the rant: while I was on the phone talking to my mom about all of these things, she made it very clear to me that I should go admit myself, leave the kids with their blood relatives, and implied that because there are no guarantees that I will ever be 100% recovered, that it might just be in the best interest of the kids if I didn't raise them at all. Thanks for the encouragement, mom. As if I already don't obsess about how everyone would be better off without me. Thanks for validating my morbid fantasies of death. Because that is essentially what she was saying... my kids would be better off without me in their lives. A large part of me believes this is probably true. My 13-year-old has suffered much as a result of my disease.... it is possible that he will have irreparable emotional damage as a result of being raised by an inattentive bipolar mother. But I want to change. I am making the effort. I am doing everything for the right reasons. Why can't she support me in that? Why does she have to give up on me like everyone else? I was trusting that she was going to be my ally and part of my support network. Now it seems she just wants to take on the role of raising her grandchildren for her fucked-up daughter.
So has anyone been in a similar situation? What did you do? What was the outcome? I'm so scared of having my kids taken away permanently, when all I want to do is get better so I can be a good mom, instead of a "can't-leave-the-house" mom. Any advice is much appreciated.
Has anyone here voluntarily given up custody (temporary or permanently) in the best interests of your kids?
Has anyone here identified the stress of being a parent as being a "trigger"?
I'm at a crossroads in my life and I'm not sure what to do. My condition is worsening daily without treatment. My kids are witnessing me going through horrific mood swings all day long and the behaviors and actions that go along with it. I do not abuse or neglect my children, but I know that witnessing what I go through with my mood swings is having an emotional and psychological impact on my children. I thought I had come up with a brilliant plan: I wanted to get my kids into a stable routine that my partner could manage without me, get support from friends and family to help with the transition, grant my partner conditional guardianship over my kids and name her power of attorney so she could take care of my financial and legal matters, then admit myself to an inpatient facility to get on meds and stay until we found the right combo to make me a functional human again. Though leaving my partner and my kids for an indefinite period of time to seek treatment would be difficult for all of us, I felt that the temporary separation would be well-worth it in the end, because if I could get myself stable, instead of being ill all the time, I would be a better partner, a better mother, a better person in general. I just want to get my life back together and be a functioning adult again, and this seemed to me to be a reasonable way to go about it.
Why would I want to leave home to get treatment if I'm not in crisis? Well I am sure many of you have experienced the side effects of trying new meds. For me, every medication has put me to sleep, no matter how high or low the dose, no matter how long I take them, that drowsiness never goes away. Even with the addition of stimulants, I can't stay awake and I end up living in a surreal dream-like fog, barely able to function. I can't be an attentive parent while I am going through drug transitions, just as I can't be an attentive parent with the constant mood swings.. I remember how scared my son would get when he was younger and I was on meds when I would just stare into space for hours, or sleep all day and no one could wake me up. I do not want my children to be scared of watching me go through the adjustments.
I also don't want my partner to have to watch me go through it again. It was a huge strain on our relationship. She couldn't get me to wake up in the mornings to get my son to school, and at the time she didn't understand that it wasn't because I didn't want to wake up, it was because I COULDN'T wake up. We used to get in fights about how "lazy" I was. I don't want to go through that again.
In addition to all that, the chaos of family life has become a major trigger for me. I will wake up in the morning chipper and ready to have a good day, but by mid-afternoon, I want to scream, cry, break things, cut myself... anything to relieve the build-up of frustration that I feel because I'm mostly low-functioning and can barely complete one task a day because of the constant interruptions. I have a toddler and a teenager, and between the two of them, I can't get a moment's peace. It takes so much energy to focus on completing something, and I can't get to that level of focus because one of the kids is in constant need of my attention. After starting and stopping the same thing 10+ times and still making no progress I start to fall apart at the seams. I feel like a failure because I can't manage to get one sink of dishes done, or remember to make an important phone call on the right day. I feel that the only way for me to get a true handle on my condition is to remove myself from the chaotic environment, get stabilized, then I can return when I am better equipped to deal with "real life".
I feel guilty for "wanting" to leave, but I feel it is for the best for the entire family.
My mother does not entirely agree with my plan. She agrees that at this point I should be institutionalized. I have become very unstable and unpredictable and she agrees that it is not appropriate for the children to be exposed to that. What she disagrees with is granting guardianship of the children to my partner (who has been their step-parent for the past two years, and was even at the hospital when my daughter was born) and feels that guardianship should only be granted to a blood relative. Although I somewhat understand my mother's point of view, if she were granted guardianship for instance, my kids would be uprooted from their home to go stay with her, the rules would be different, their schedules would be different, and on top of it all, they'd be removed from both of their parents, not just me. At least with my partner left in charge, there would be little change expect that I would be gone for a while and they would have to come see me in the hospital.
Another possible scenario is that my daughter's grandparent's might want to try to get guardianship of just my daughter which would remove her from her home, her parents and her brother, whom she is very attached to. My children have different fathers (neither whom can take full custody while I'm incapacitated), and my daughter's grandparent's would gladly take her, but my son would most likely go with my mom.
This would all defeat my primary goal, which is to keep my family together. In order to do that I have to get this illness under control so that it will stop controlling me and the people around me. I don't want to return from the hospital full of hope that things are going to be better only to find that everything has fallen apart, my children are angry and bitter for being abandoned, separated, and removed from their home. The whole point of this would be to prevent this type of separation being mandated without my consent. The goal is crisis prevention.
And the reason why this is all so relevant, is because where I live, when someone is nominated to act as guardian over minor children, all of the immediate family members (including grandparents) are called into court to decide what is in the best interest of the children. if the grandparent's object, even if both biological parents agree to the guardianship, the judge may choose to grant temporary custody to the grandparents instead of a same-sex domestic partner, regardless of the parent-child bond that already exists (especially between my partner and my daughter).
Here's the rant: while I was on the phone talking to my mom about all of these things, she made it very clear to me that I should go admit myself, leave the kids with their blood relatives, and implied that because there are no guarantees that I will ever be 100% recovered, that it might just be in the best interest of the kids if I didn't raise them at all. Thanks for the encouragement, mom. As if I already don't obsess about how everyone would be better off without me. Thanks for validating my morbid fantasies of death. Because that is essentially what she was saying... my kids would be better off without me in their lives. A large part of me believes this is probably true. My 13-year-old has suffered much as a result of my disease.... it is possible that he will have irreparable emotional damage as a result of being raised by an inattentive bipolar mother. But I want to change. I am making the effort. I am doing everything for the right reasons. Why can't she support me in that? Why does she have to give up on me like everyone else? I was trusting that she was going to be my ally and part of my support network. Now it seems she just wants to take on the role of raising her grandchildren for her fucked-up daughter.
So has anyone been in a similar situation? What did you do? What was the outcome? I'm so scared of having my kids taken away permanently, when all I want to do is get better so I can be a good mom, instead of a "can't-leave-the-house" mom. Any advice is much appreciated.
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Reply #1 07/02/08 10:23am
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Reply #2 07/02/08 12:04pm
Well she did say that I was an adult and that I had to do what I thought was best, but under her breath she said something about suffering the consequences... knowing my mother, she'll probably dispute it in court and turn it into a real sticky legal issue. -
Reply #3 07/04/08 5:13pm
You need to do what is right for everyone concerned. I ended up letting my ex husband raise my two daughter for about four years because I was at a bad place at the time. And I did not know that it was because of bp that I was having issues. I do regret it sometimes because things were difficult for them with him and his girlfriend but I know it would of been worse if they would of been here and seen what I was going through.
I did get custody back of them when they were in early teens because they became a handful for him to raise by himself. My youngest was dx bp when she was 15 but we could not keep her on meds. Now she is doing better and I think part of it is because she saw what I have been through and knows just what and where bp can lead.
My oldest daughter barely talks to me but I understand because that is her. She is herself and has to deal with her life on her own terms. I know she has issues and really think that if she had stayed with me the issues would of been more.
So even though at times I regret allowing my ex to raise my daughters for a few years, I believe in the long run it was what was best for all concerned.
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Reply #4 07/06/08 1:03am
OK, Here's the rundown. I am a birthmother. I gave up a child to ensure that both of my kids had a great upbringing. I am in no way saying that you NEED to. I am saying that this is a gut wrenching choice that you have to make. It sounds thought that you have A LOT of help to much maybe. I guess the big question is do you trust your partner with your kids' life? I believe your teen is old enough to get the fact that you you need help so you may not ALWAYS be there, but that you are doing the best that you can to keep them safe. The toddler is so young that it can easily be just a part of life. I"m sorry for your predicament. I know I'm no help, but I hope for the best for you. -
Reply #5 07/06/08 3:08am
Thank you, cjm for your support. It is a gut wrenching decision, even if you know in your heart you are doing what's in the best interest for everyone- self, partner, children, family and friends all included. We are taking baby steps... but they are steps in the right direction. I trust my partner 100% with my life as well as the lives of my children. She is a godsend, and I thank my lucky stars daily that she was brought into my life, and in spite of the challenges, has chosen to dig in her heels and do everything in her power to keep our family together and to help me get the help I need. We have set up a network of friends and family not only to care for the children, but to care for my partner's needs as well. We are committed. We are determined. We are unified. There are many obstacles to overcome, but we are embarking on this expedition well-prepared with the tools that we need and multiple back-up plans and options if things do not go according to our plan. We are learning to accept that life will never be perfect, but there is hope that life will be BETTER than what it is right now. T he most difficult thing about this whole thing is the uncertainty. Will treatment work this time? How long will it take? What do we do if treatment still doesn't work? What if something goes wrong? There are still a lot of unknowns, but we are educating ourselves daily, living our lives with open minds and open hearts, and most importantly we have adopted a policy of forgiveness, knowing that this is going to be a very emotional transition in our lives and that it is impossible to avoid bad reactions to set-backs and frustrations. We've already invested so much of ourselves, blood, sweat and tears, into building a family and a life together, and neither one of us is willing to lose what has already been invested when we know that what has already been invested will only get bigger and better from here on out if we just work a little harder. The payoff will be worth the sacrifice. -
Reply #6 07/06/08 3:57pm
I don't know what help I can provide, but I can share my personal experiences... I was really falling off the deep end with my rapid cycles some time ago. It was doing some insane damage to my family and my career. I got to the point that I was completely suicidal because I couldn't stand who I was anymore, and I couldn't stand hurting my family anymore. Luckily my attempt on my life failed, and I wound up admitting myself to an inpatient hospital. IT WAS THE BEST DECISION OF MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!
I have grown leaps and bounds since that day, but I couldn't have done it alone. You NEED a solid and understanding support network if you expect yourself to have any success whatsoever. It wasn't easy, and there were many days when I still thought that there was no hope for me. Thankfully, my wife helped me along in reading my signs. We created a system of what action steps to take when things begin to sway one way or the other. Finally, I think I have the winning combination built into my lifestyle. It is:
1. Find the right meds and stay on them NO MATTER WHAT! (takes some trial and error though)
2. Therapy.. be it group or one on one... talk it out. Group is my favorite.
3. Healthy diet. If you eat like crap you feel like crap. Remember, bipolar means chemical imbalance, and a number of things can throw it out of whack including...
4. ...caffiene and alcohol. These are the biggest enemies to your system. Caffiene will spike your mood artificially, and alcohol cancells the effectiveness of your meds.
5. Excercise routine. I stress ROUTINE. If it's not built into your lifestyle it becomes a chore. Make it fun, and do it often. Your body will crave doing more in the end because it likes the oxygen that excercise delivers to the brain.
6. Go to sleep and wake up on a consistent basis. That means stick to a normal routine again. Trust me on this one.
7. Keep a daily journal. This way, when you are experiencing an episode of one kind or another, you can look back to your prior week and read. You will soon find a trail of symptoms leading up to where you are now. You can actually educate yourself this way about what personally makes you tick, and what to avoid for next next time.
I know I stated a lot of things here. These are what work for me. And believe me... I dearly miss caffiene, alcohol, and all-nighters. However, I have to remind myself of why I'm doing this in the first place. Consider the alternative which is FAR WORSE than the benefits of what a healthy lifestyle can do for you and your family. We have an illness, and we MUST treat it accordingly. I had wake up one day and tell myself to be an adult about it all. My life is my family. It's time to take responsibility and do the right thing. I hope this helps. -
Reply #7 07/06/08 6:19pm
Your words are helpful indeed, because they give me hope and affirm everything that I am already doing and the things I am planning to gradually incorporate into my lifestyle. I'm taking baby steps towards my goal, knowing that my stride will get longer, my efforts will become more fruitful, and one day the journey won't be so difficult. Probably the single most frustrating thing to me is that my baby steps that seem like monumental accomplishments to me are seen as half-ass attempts in the minds of many of my loved ones who just don't understand how complicated and difficult my life has become. I guess I was hiding the true severity of the disease better than I thought I was. This has put me at a grievous disadvantage. People do not know how weak I've become, and how much effort it takes for me to make the changes in my life that will inevitably be my salvation. They also cannot accept that I am doing my very best in my weakened state. Their expectations of me are too high, and I find myself being crushed daily by being told that nothing I do is good enough. It's like the broken-hearted child who cries alone in her room because the most beautiful flower she has ever seen in her whole life, presented to her mother as a token of love, is discarded into the garbage before her eyes because "it's just a weed". My efforts may look small and insignificant to the world at large, but they are huge in comparison to what I've been capable of as of late. I cannot afford the constant set-backs as a result of my family's ignorance. I'm going to have to get away from the real world for a little while. It's the only way I'm ever going to get better. I have to wait for my appointment with my pdoc mid-August to get an out-of-area referral. Please cross your fingers that I make it till then. My will to live seems to be diminishing more each day and our local county hospital will surely kill me the way they killed my friend's partner.... the care here is severely inadequate. Pray for me (whoever your god/dess may be). I need all the help I can get. -
Reply #8 07/07/08 11:34am
It's ashame you don't have an understanding support network. I would classify those that drag you down as a disease themselves. You don't need to muddy your waters any more than they already are. If there is any way to educate them I would. Otherwise, cut them off. They will do way more harm than good. Baby steps are monumental steps. Sometimes just going to the grocery store is impossible. Some days I'm on top of the world and taking care of insane amounts of business. The very next day I might be unable to type my password in the computer. Each step is important. -
Reply #9 07/07/08 12:12pm
Th problem is that the people who make u my support network all have very busy lives and don't have the time to read the books and pamphlets I try to get them to read. In my partner's case, she's too busy working and taking care of my kids and still dealing with her own issues as well. *sigh* Today I am staying in bed. The pillow is much too comfy to leave in bed alone, so I will stay here with it. Fuck everybody's expectations of what they think I "should be". Plain and simple... I'm not. And I'm never going to be. So they're either going to have to learn to love me and accept my limitations and "special needs" or else, like you said, they are part of the disease that is dragging me down. -
Reply #10 07/09/08 4:12am
my ex used my bipolar and anxiety attacks against me in court. so i gave in and gave him primary physical care of out son. we are suppose to have joint custody, but that don't count for shit in my case. i also knew i was not able to finacially able to support him if he was with me all the time. i regret it everyday of my life. now he has a new mom, other wise known to me as the bitch, but she is there for him. so i now play nice. i hate to but i do it for my son. good luck to u in your case.
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