jazzergirl

My Mother Suicide (triggering)

Posted on 07/05/08, 07:03 am

When my mother killed herself at age 41 I was 15. My world revolved around school, my friends & boys. For some reason at the time, I was not devestated & for years I felt guilty about that. My life went on pretty much the same after her death with the exception of cooking, shopping & cleaning for my Dad & 3 little brothers (my choice to help my Dad who asked me to take it on). My Dad was the kindest man I have ever known & it did not bother me at the time to take on all those responsibilites. But for years, I wondered why my Mother's death didn't bother me more than it did. It wasn't until I got very depressed about 5 yrs. ago did I figure out why. The reason is we were never close & never bonded. She was a kind woman but always very depressed & took "naps" all the time. I know she really loved me but depression had such a tight grip on her that she could not show love to her children like a good non-depressed woman can. When I think of her, I think of a sad woman who rarely smiled, rarely spoke & slept most of the time. So in reality, I grew up only with an outer shell of a woman. Depression had robbed her spirit, joy & love for her husband and children.

• Reply #1 07/05/08  10:18am
  
  nadareal3
  I'm so sorry for your loss Jazz. I'm also sorry that you missed out on that very special mother daughter bond. I do relate to how you felt about your mother's passing. I experienced the very same thing when my father recently passed away. I felt no grief at all. I still don't. He and I never bonded, in fact I believe he wished I wasn't born. My heart goes out to you. XXXXX
• Reply #2 07/05/08  7:24pm
  
  LongIslandKat
  I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I feel so sorry for the little girl who was robbed of a mother due to a mental illness. And I feel sorry for the adult woman who had to go through your own mental illness to realize that loss. Your mother was robbed as you say, and so were you and the rest of the family. Thank God things are a little better today in the world of treatment for these chemical imbalances many of us suffer from.
• Reply #3 07/14/08  7:01am
  
  jazzergirl
  Thank you for your replies. xxx

This group is formed with the idea that we collectively have a place to tell our stories. Gosh, don't each of us have so many stories to tell!!! Some happy, some sad, some ironic, some defying classification. Bring back the memories of youth, memories of growing up, memories of life changing events. The only thing I ask is to please keep it mutually respectful, and non-argumentative.