Discussion Topic
Appropriate Response or No Response
Posted on 10/10/08, 11:36 pm
I need advice. I am having a hard time trying to figure out what to do about a man I have been dating for about 6 weeks. We have had 4 very intense dates and this past Monday he went to Colorado for a month to work.
We were talking every day by text/email/phone during the 2 weeks leading up to his leaving. But the Friday before he left he said he would call me back later and try to come over and spend Sat. night at my place. He didn't call me back Fri. night and I sent him a text Sat. morning asking him if he was coming over that night. Well, he never contacted me over the weekend at all and he left on Mon. without even texting to say goodbye! I was very surprised. I know he bought a house 3 days before he left and a boat which needed some work but still... I know avoiders get very intense about things outside the relationship as a way to avoid intensity IN the relationship. He did not contact me Sat/Sun/Mon/Tue/Wed/Thu but around midnite on Thur (yesterday)he sent me a text saying "Sorry I didn't get to see you before I left."
We communicated every day and then he didn't communicate for a week! Fri morning (this morning) he sent me a picture of the mountains in Colorado with no text. Fri evening (tonight) he sent me a text saying "Are you not allowed to talk to me anymore?" An hour later he sent another one saying, "Hummmm.." I have not responded at all because I don't know whether to avoid him the way an addict completely avoids a drug or whether to state my bottom line to him which is "If you want to be in my life you cannot hide behind a wall of distance/silence/"busyness". What would be healthier? I need to figure out how to take care of myself.
My addictions to men have been so intense in the past that I have thrown bricks through front door glass when a man wouldn't talk to me and I got arrested for that! I was in my 20's then and I am much calmer now but still. This is a lifelong problem. I don't want to make a mistake and for the first time in my life I am frozen with indecision instead of compulsively acting out every emotion the second I feel it.
How can I forgive him for not saying goodbye without allowing him to do it again. After our second date he disappeared for a week without communicating but he says things like "I haven't felt like this in years", "My heart is racing just talking to you on the phone, I can't believe it.", "You make me feel out of control". I just don't know if I should open the door to him again with some groundrules in place or just walk away and don't look back.
We were talking every day by text/email/phone during the 2 weeks leading up to his leaving. But the Friday before he left he said he would call me back later and try to come over and spend Sat. night at my place. He didn't call me back Fri. night and I sent him a text Sat. morning asking him if he was coming over that night. Well, he never contacted me over the weekend at all and he left on Mon. without even texting to say goodbye! I was very surprised. I know he bought a house 3 days before he left and a boat which needed some work but still... I know avoiders get very intense about things outside the relationship as a way to avoid intensity IN the relationship. He did not contact me Sat/Sun/Mon/Tue/Wed/Thu but around midnite on Thur (yesterday)he sent me a text saying "Sorry I didn't get to see you before I left."
We communicated every day and then he didn't communicate for a week! Fri morning (this morning) he sent me a picture of the mountains in Colorado with no text. Fri evening (tonight) he sent me a text saying "Are you not allowed to talk to me anymore?" An hour later he sent another one saying, "Hummmm.." I have not responded at all because I don't know whether to avoid him the way an addict completely avoids a drug or whether to state my bottom line to him which is "If you want to be in my life you cannot hide behind a wall of distance/silence/"busyness". What would be healthier? I need to figure out how to take care of myself.
My addictions to men have been so intense in the past that I have thrown bricks through front door glass when a man wouldn't talk to me and I got arrested for that! I was in my 20's then and I am much calmer now but still. This is a lifelong problem. I don't want to make a mistake and for the first time in my life I am frozen with indecision instead of compulsively acting out every emotion the second I feel it.
How can I forgive him for not saying goodbye without allowing him to do it again. After our second date he disappeared for a week without communicating but he says things like "I haven't felt like this in years", "My heart is racing just talking to you on the phone, I can't believe it.", "You make me feel out of control". I just don't know if I should open the door to him again with some groundrules in place or just walk away and don't look back.
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Reply #1 10/11/08 8:31am
OMG OMG OMG. This sounds sooooo much like Carl it's scary!!! He said the same thing, "I haven't felt like this in years," "I haven't felt like this since HS." blah blah blah. Very intense! Then, suddenly, he vanishes... He's "just busy" with every stupid little thing he can think of to avoid us. He even went on a trip to colorado for a month!!! I would think we were talking about the same exact man if the dates matched up! I feel sooooo bad for you I'm on the verge of crying. I just went thru an absolute living hell w/ this man. I am a love addict as well. He is a love avoidant. I have the entire story in my journals. They go back a few months. I finally broke it off w/ him last Monday. I would say run now. I could never go thru that kind of pain again. What he did to me is unbearable. And he doesn't even act like he cares. If you want to talk more about this, send me a message. I have read quite extensively about both sides. -
Reply #2 10/11/08 11:26am
Avoidants are also very intense in the beginning of the relationship. Once you are on the hook, they withdraw. They are not necessarily aware of this.
"Intense" was your first sign of addiction. You are an addict. You are obsessing on how to control your supply.
His behavior was unacceptably rude: he stood you up when he did not call back. A normal response would be to dump him. Otherwise, tell him his behavior in not calling you back after you had provisional plans was rude and unacceptable. It showed a lack of respect for the value of your time.
Personally, I say the red lights are flashing. I think you should run, work on your own recovery, and find someone else.
Only you can decide if you can afford to lose what you will be risking. -
Reply #3 10/11/08 7:01pm
Everyone told me to run right from the start. Carl would tell me he was gonna call, and at least 90% of the time, would NOT call. He knew it hurt me. He didn't care. There were so many red flags, I just ignored them. I saw them and everything, I just didn't want to believe it. So I know telling you to run probably won't matter, you'll probably continue to pursue him anyway. I didn't listen to what everyone told me, even tho I knew they were probably all right. I just couldn't stop myself. It was out of control. Nobody deserves to go thru what these guys will put u thru. -
Reply #4 10/13/08 9:33pm
It is easy for me to want to tell you to run not walk...but the truth is you will do it when you are ready. I spent 7 years with an avoidant and quite frankly a selfish jerk...it was on again off again...no good ending...but it did end...for me to find another one around the corner. We are done when we are done. Read everything you can get your hands on and see a therapist, if possible. I am here for support. -
Reply #5 10/25/08 8:45pm
I agree w/ newstart. I don't listen to all the ppl that tell me I deserve better and I should run. Even tho I know they're right. I keep going back. Then I work up the strength to leave, I think it's for good... then I go back again. He doesn't even TRY to pursue me, doesn't even PRETEND to care. But I still go back. Sooooo frustrating. I've read TONS....TONS about this. His side, my side. Been to a therapist. I still can't help it. It's a serious addiction. I totally understand drug addicts now. -
Reply #6 10/26/08 1:37pm
I can relate COMPLETELY AgentSmith.
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