purz

What to do?

Posted on 10/08/08, 08:44 pm

I find myself in yet another relationship dance, me the love addict, and my live-in bf, the love avoidant, and I saw it coming, but was in denial. He dumped me without warning and distanced many times during our relationship, but proposed to me, declared his love for me for three years, so I quit my job, left my apartment, and moved in with him. Now he says it is not what he thought it would be. I know he feels smothered, though I have not been clingy. He just can't stand getting close, so has again started to distance, and doesn't think he wants me here, now that I have moved in. I am so confused. I know he loves me, but finds all sorts of reasons to push me away emotionally, such as saying he can't deal with my cats, doesn't want to be responsible for anyone but him and his dog, etc.

When I first moved in, I was just leaving a bad marriage, so was pretty much a mess and emotionally and physically unavailable myself. He acted out by pouting, displays of anger, etc. As soon as I started trying to become more available to him, he starting shutting down again, and told me he was more comfortable just seeing me on weekends, and doesn't think he is cut out to live with anyone. I feel hurt, confused, betrayed, and resentful. I'm not sure what to do.

I know he is getting back into therapy, and so am I. Now, I haven't the ability to move out, nor get my old apartment or job back. Is there any hope for us with both in therapy? Any suggestions? I am at wit's end right now. He says he doesn't know what he wants, but he isn't happy. I feel so stupid for not seeing this, or being too blind to acknowledge his fear of intimacy, even though it was displayed several times prior to me moving in with him. Now what do I do?

• Reply #1 10/08/08  10:21pm
  
  yvonnekurtz
  Don't judge him or yourself so harshly. He was sent into your life to teach you something and you to him. He has a conscious fear of intimacy. You have an unconscious fear of intimacy. Set goals to take care of yourself as you get ready to go through the hard stuff. Write it down: I promise myself when I feel bad I will listen to an ispiration podcast or play a song that will lift me up or write to someone for support or read a book like Facing Love Addiction or I will write a page of positive statements about myself and read them out load to myself when I start getting self-critical. Tell yourself that you will love yourself the way you should have been loved as a child but weren't. Learn to parent yourself and stop stepping into the trap of seeing the relationship "failure" as a sign of personal failure. It is NOT! It is a lesson that God wants you to learn about yourself. And if you don't get it this time - He will send you another lesson. You choose when you want to "get it".
  - Peace
• Reply #2 10/10/08  12:52pm
  
  Nicrose
  Therapy is going to really help I hope. I have been EXACTLY where you are...
• Reply #3 10/11/08  11:43am
  
  NoOneLeft
  Well, you moved in on the basis of his fraudulent misrepresentations, so I think you should make yourself perfectly comfortable until you are able to get another job as good and another place as good. And you can tell him that. I think if you made inquiries in that area it might be good for your head to generate options. As for him, it might give him a foretaste of what his life will be like if he gets what he now claims he wants.
  
  I think there is hope in therapy. Your guy sounds a lot like my husband. I heard all of this from him. Since we are married, we got past that period, but not before I gave him exactly what he claimed he wanted several times in the form of total and complete cutting off. No "weekends". Not easy. You don't have that luxury, but perhaps therapy will help him sort himself out. Avoidants can live on very little: they just need to know you are out there for them. But they need to learn how to compromise, as do we love addicts.
  
  A suggestion: work an Al-Anon program, even if it's just reading their book or going to an open meeting. I say that because these are often folks who do not have the luxury of walking out: they have to find peace of mind with an active dysfunctional spouse. I did this, and also learned to confine myself to repeatedly asking for what I wanted -as opposed to 'taking his inventory' - then letting go of the results.
• Reply #4 10/13/08  9:37pm
  
  newstart01
  NoOneLeft gave a great response. I agree. Letting go of the results is hard...but brings great peace of mind. Lesson after lesson as Yvonne said. we get them until we learn what we are supposed to. I am struggling myself. Good luck!
• Reply #5 10/14/08  10:13pm
  
  purz
  I am planning on moving out, as he stated he did not want to live with anyone right now. I am going to focus on taking care of me for a change. It's something that is pretty unfamiliar to me. I have been thinking for so long that my life would be complete with the right man. Part of me still believes that... But love isn't suppose to hurt this bad, and deep down I know that. Love is supposed to enhance our lives. This is going to be hard for me, but I know better things are ahead in time for me.

This forum will help all who wish to recover and gain some tools to be able to cope and deal with the issues stemming from our emotional problems that are hurting our relationships on a day to day basis...The relationship with ourselves as well as others...The solution is here for the taking..