I'm going to guess it was the way you felt about his behavior that got you into recovery, not his behavior. You are the love addict, he is the avoidant. [They have their own relationship addiction.]
http://www.healthymind.com/s-relat...
It's not unusual for folks who are long sober to engage in other addictions like sex or relationship. It doesn't sound like he has a problem with it. Until he does, he won't change.
Your problem is not him, but the way you feel about what he does. In other words, you. If you are in meetings that allow fixation on the other addict, these are the wrong meetings. Like Al-Anon meetings that focus on the alcoholic instead of asking what kind of person connects with and stays with an alcoholic. Focus on you, not him.
Discussion Topic
Help Me Let Go
Posted on 10/08/08, 01:13 pm
I try to stop thinking about David but since he is the source of my "lesson" it is hard. I think about the lesson (love addiction) that I am trying to learn all day and night to the exclusion of everything else. And this is almost becoming a way for me to continue obsessing about him.
Since his behavior is what triggered me into recovery it seems that learning more about myself is a twisted way to keep thinking about him.
He left for a month and didn't even say goodbye. After telling me he hadn't felt chemistry like ours in years and that our sex was "beyond" sex - he didn't feel the need to call and say "goodbye, I'll keep in touch while I'm away." He did tell me that he would come to see me before he left (which he did) and that he would come to see me when he got back (will he?). And if he calls or texts, should I reply? I don't even know what's appropriate anymore.
I know he wants me to chase him because that makes him feel important and powerful. Then he wants me to get angry because the intensity feels normal and good to him. Then he wants to make up and resume the seduction. This is his pattern and he thinks all women are crazy but he doesn't realize he subconsciously behaves in ways that guarantee it.
I want to have a relationship with him but only if we can do it in a different way and be conscious about our behaviors. We have only been seeing eachother 6 weeks. I have not felt chemistry like that with
anyone since I was 22 and I know he was not lying when he said the same to me. When we are kissing he stops and catches his breath and says "I can't believe my heart is racing just from kissing you. This doesn't happen to me."
He spent 4 years in prison. He knows how to go without. He is not addicted to me and not obsessing about this the way I am. He keeps "busy" to avoid the relationship and satisfy his need for intensity. So busy that he bought a house 4 days before he left. And bought a boat 2 days before he left so he could have it shipped to Colorado while he's there for the next month. He is clean and sober for 6 years now. But still so much dysfunction in so many other areas. Is it my business or should I just let go...
Since his behavior is what triggered me into recovery it seems that learning more about myself is a twisted way to keep thinking about him.
He left for a month and didn't even say goodbye. After telling me he hadn't felt chemistry like ours in years and that our sex was "beyond" sex - he didn't feel the need to call and say "goodbye, I'll keep in touch while I'm away." He did tell me that he would come to see me before he left (which he did) and that he would come to see me when he got back (will he?). And if he calls or texts, should I reply? I don't even know what's appropriate anymore.
I know he wants me to chase him because that makes him feel important and powerful. Then he wants me to get angry because the intensity feels normal and good to him. Then he wants to make up and resume the seduction. This is his pattern and he thinks all women are crazy but he doesn't realize he subconsciously behaves in ways that guarantee it.
I want to have a relationship with him but only if we can do it in a different way and be conscious about our behaviors. We have only been seeing eachother 6 weeks. I have not felt chemistry like that with
anyone since I was 22 and I know he was not lying when he said the same to me. When we are kissing he stops and catches his breath and says "I can't believe my heart is racing just from kissing you. This doesn't happen to me."
He spent 4 years in prison. He knows how to go without. He is not addicted to me and not obsessing about this the way I am. He keeps "busy" to avoid the relationship and satisfy his need for intensity. So busy that he bought a house 4 days before he left. And bought a boat 2 days before he left so he could have it shipped to Colorado while he's there for the next month. He is clean and sober for 6 years now. But still so much dysfunction in so many other areas. Is it my business or should I just let go...
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Reply #1 10/08/08 4:39pm
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Reply #2 10/11/08 9:28pm
You're story is exactly like mine. We had an extremely intense relationship for a few weeks. He was perfect. Would call me and text me all the time, say the sweetest things, bring me flowers, cook me breakfast, give me little thoughtful gifts, etc etc. I thought I finally hit the jackpot. He knew how hurt I had been and that I didn't want another relationship, and kept looking me in the eyes, telling me he could see the hurt and fear and that he wasn't gonna hurt me. He kept promising. Then suddenly he's "too busy". He would just list one excuse after another after another after another for him being distant. The most ridiculous excuses I have ever heard. I tried to pull him back in by acting like a crazy love addict. Then I started reading about love addiction. I became obsessed with reading about love addiction, love addicts, love avoidants, and codependency. I studied the love avoidant and fear of intimacy to figure him out and try to help him. I talked to him about it. I bought him books to read. I backed off when I realized how unhealthy my obsessive behavior was. He still pulled away. He would occasionally throw me a bone and we'd have a nice date and everything would seem great for a brief moment again. Then it'd all go to hell all over. I told him I'd help him (he admits to this issue), and that I'd give him space and all, but that I couldn't deal w/ the other women (mainly the russian mail order bride dating site that he frequents and then lies about afterward) and that he'd have to make a choice. He ignored the subject, as usual. Gave me more excuses for not responding to that ultimatum, put it off. Then a week after I made it, he went back to the site (last monday), and that was it. I returned the stuff I had of his, asked for mine back, and left. -
Reply #3 10/13/08 9:29pm
Focus on you. I agree. For years I was in Therapy and all I would do was talk about him. I now see...and with the help of a new Therapist who focuses on the here and now and on me...I now try to look at why have I been making these choices? Why do I want so badly to change someone who does not want to be changed? We are love addicts and typically end up in a cycle of come here go away and it is exhausting and unproductive. Focus on you and your needs and positive things and the rest will follow. the things we hold so tightly to are usually the things we should let go...it is all based on fear. I know this as I struggle with this too. Hang in there.
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