AgentSmith

how do I confront a love avoidant?

Posted on 09/26/08, 03:49 pm

I am a codependent love addict. My most recent ex is a codependent love avoidant (emotionally unavailable). I have talked to him a bit about codependency issues and he's said that it sounded like him. He's even asked to borrow my passive-aggressive book (although he didn't look at it and he's had it for over a month). I'm trying to distance myself emotionally from him, but also maintain a friendship with him. He's 52 and has had a life long string of bad relationships. He runs as soon as anyone gets close to him. He hasn't been in a relationship in over 6 yrs, until me. Ours was very intense for a few weeks, then he ran. We still talk a little bit and see each other weekly (we work in the same building). I ordered him a book, The Emotionally Unavailable Man. I want to go to his house tonight and talk to him about his issues. I've admitted all of mine to him. I don't want it to sound like I'm criticizing him. Due to his extreme passive aggressiveness, I'm afraid he'll do the opposite of whatever I say, just to spite me. When this only hurts himself. Does anyone have any ideas on how I should bring up the topic and talk about it, to avoid him rejecting it?

• Reply #1 09/27/08  2:17pm
  
  NoOneLeft
  
  Unless he is one hurting puppy, he may have no interest in discussing it. Pain is the great teacher. If he has the books, he will look at them when he gets to a hurting place. Since he is an ex, I would then wait for him to bring it up. Just my opinion, but then I would also not try to be friends with a recent ex.
• Reply #2 09/27/08  11:01pm
  
  afloat
  why are you the one who wants to talk about it if he is the one with the issue?
  just a thought...
• Reply #3 09/29/08  10:50am
  
  newstart01
  In my experience when I want to talk and make someone else...typically the emotionally unavailable man in my life see the error of his ways...I know I am on the wrong path. That is part of the issue with being a love addict...trying to fix the other person and acting as if they want "fixing" The best approach here is to work on you and let him go on his own path. Try reading Women Who Love Too much. This will help put the focus back on you...where it needs to be.
• Reply #4 10/01/08  6:28am
  
  NoOneLeft
  I agree with both of these; I just did not want to say it. I don't know why.
• Reply #5 10/01/08  11:51am
  
  afloat
  yea well, you know me....the hateful reality-check bitch of the bunch.
  HA!
  agent's post sounds like the first one i made on DS in april of 2007. feels good to say that!
  i've got almost 18 months hardcore recovery. yaaaahoooo....
  
  we can get better if we want to and are willing.
  

This forum will help all who wish to recover and gain some tools to be able to cope and deal with the issues stemming from our emotional problems that are hurting our relationships on a day to day basis...The relationship with ourselves as well as others...The solution is here for the taking..