Discussion Topic
When did you realize you were addicted to love?
Posted on 09/14/08, 06:26 pm
I just came to the actualization yesterday. In a really weird way. It's kind of scary. I've know I've been a people pleaser, co-dependant and totally into fixing the wounded birds of the world. But, this was a different kind of knowing.
I actually felt as though I was coming off of drugs at the time. I had gotten on a dating board and met a woman. She and I hit it off instantly. We chatted for nine hours straight. ON the computer, then on the phone, then text messaging. I finally had to go to bed... it was 5:30 in the morning! I shot an email to a friend on here kind of joking what is wrong with me...how could I fall for this.
The friend I emailed must have noted the time I sent the email. I got up the next morning about 4 hours later. And went straight to the computer and there she was again. My computer girlfriend of sorts. I was feeling it really strongly in the morning. Doing crazy things I wouldn't normally do. Then I was thinking there is something wrong with this girl. She is so attached to me and wants me to travel to Canada to visit. After a couple hours of me telling her no, and to stop pressuring me. We started talking and I fell again. There was a new shot of acceptance and love slammed right into my veins.
Next thing you know I'm on the computer searching for airplane tickets. My friend I emailed called on the phone. I answered. She came right over. She intervened. I had to be physically removed from the computer practically. I had to come down. I felt the rush and I felt the come down. It was insane and intense.
It sort of makes sense looking at actual relationships I've had in the past. And always wanting that Love rush. And it comes from something that is not real most of the time. And it is most intense for me when it is also combined with my defaults and helping wounded birds. It's a "great" way to loose myself. Makes it very easy to separate from the rest of the world. I shut off my friends and family.
Then like an alcoholic when the love is gone. I go back to them begging and graveling for their forgiveness and hope they take me back. I have wonderful friends and they always do. But, I don't want to be this way anymore.
I want to find me. And I want to take care of myself and not loose myself.
But, how can I give up love????
I actually felt as though I was coming off of drugs at the time. I had gotten on a dating board and met a woman. She and I hit it off instantly. We chatted for nine hours straight. ON the computer, then on the phone, then text messaging. I finally had to go to bed... it was 5:30 in the morning! I shot an email to a friend on here kind of joking what is wrong with me...how could I fall for this.
The friend I emailed must have noted the time I sent the email. I got up the next morning about 4 hours later. And went straight to the computer and there she was again. My computer girlfriend of sorts. I was feeling it really strongly in the morning. Doing crazy things I wouldn't normally do. Then I was thinking there is something wrong with this girl. She is so attached to me and wants me to travel to Canada to visit. After a couple hours of me telling her no, and to stop pressuring me. We started talking and I fell again. There was a new shot of acceptance and love slammed right into my veins.
Next thing you know I'm on the computer searching for airplane tickets. My friend I emailed called on the phone. I answered. She came right over. She intervened. I had to be physically removed from the computer practically. I had to come down. I felt the rush and I felt the come down. It was insane and intense.
It sort of makes sense looking at actual relationships I've had in the past. And always wanting that Love rush. And it comes from something that is not real most of the time. And it is most intense for me when it is also combined with my defaults and helping wounded birds. It's a "great" way to loose myself. Makes it very easy to separate from the rest of the world. I shut off my friends and family.
Then like an alcoholic when the love is gone. I go back to them begging and graveling for their forgiveness and hope they take me back. I have wonderful friends and they always do. But, I don't want to be this way anymore.
I want to find me. And I want to take care of myself and not loose myself.
But, how can I give up love????
-
Reply #1 09/15/08 10:28am
The search for yourself is the answer. Once you "find yourself" then the need will lessen. Have you read "Facing Love Addiction" yet? I highly recommend it. -
Reply #2 09/15/08 8:50pm
I found out I was codependent a couple years ago, after reading the book "Living With the Passive Aggressive Man." I realized that it described every man I'd ever fallen for, especially the one I'd lived w/ for 8 yrs. Then I fell for Carl, the recent one, and he seemed totally different in the beginning. It was immediate chemistry and all that. Then as soon as we slept together, he vanished. No contact, everything changed 180 degrees overnight, literally. I started trying to figure out WHY he acted that way. He wouldn't answer me, no matter how many times I asked. So I just researched and read everything I could find. One thing lead to another, while I was looking up passive aggressive behavior, and I ended up on a site showing the dynamics of a love addict/love avoidant relationship. I was amazed and how it PERFECTLY described us. So then I started reading about love addiction and realized that was me. Not only that, but that it wasn't the passive -aggressive man I was attracted to, it was the love avoidant. Passive aggressive behavior was just a part of that. Love avoidant was the whole thing. And now I'm starting to read about sex addiction and realizing that it has a place in this as well. I think my exes were sex addicts. I'm feeling soooooo much better now that I finally understand all this and it's all fitting into place like a puzzle that I've been trying to figure out for 27 yrs. -
Reply #3 09/17/08 8:07pm
I knew by the emotional consequences i kept suffering when i would come in and out of relationships... After about 10 years i really saw the cycle and by that time i was totally broken...
I am grateful today to have gained some tools to battle this terrible disease and way of thinking... -
Reply #4 09/19/08 4:50pm
Today, I am positive that I am a love addict. I have been suspicious for a while and have been reading the posts here to try to see some of myself in the discussions. Off and on, I do but I don't think I really took the time to see the love addict tendencies in myself - denial I suppose.
Today, I am hurting because of a relationship that I entered into with no intention of getting involved. It was just for fun. I really thought I could be ok with that. I don't want a relationship right now so a casual thing would be great. So, now I've decided I like the guy and am causing problems for both of us. He made it clear from day one that casual was all there was ever going to be. Now, he is saying that he likes me but doesn't want to committ in any way. In my head, this is all ok. But, as time goes on, I find myself obssessing about stupid things like why he hasn't called or contacted me in some way by a certain time of day. The thing that is hurting me is that I want more but he isn't going to give it so, I am constantly disappointed by the lack of attention and obssessive about the reasons why he won't give me what I want. I know I should walk away and not look back. I'm certainly not in love with him. I just feel this desperate need for that attention and it seems I will go to great lengths to manipulate the situation until I get it. I can see it! I know I'm doing it!
Also today, I caught myself contacting other men thinking that if my current guy won't give me what I want, then I will get it somewhere else. Makes sense in my head.
What I found was that I was building up these huge scenarios about who these new men are and picturing complete fantasies - and feeling excited and energized by this complete break from reality. So what broke the spell....I actually talked with one of them. Instantly I knew that he wasn't the guy I had made him up to be. Not necessarily a bad guy, just not the person I had created. Now, I am not interested in him and his feelings will be hurt. Who the heck do I think I am?!
I had done so well for so long being alone and only craving attention occasionally. I don't know why I need to do this. Why do I need to make something from nothing in order to cause pain for myself? Why do I crave this type of attention just like an addict trying to sit in a bar and drink coffee? I don't want love. I just want to be wanted. Once I have that....I'm done. Until I get it, I am insane!
I understand being codependent, I understand low self esteem, I understand addiction, I am having a really difficult time understanding why I NEED this. And, what is the answer? Be alone forever because I have this insane addiction - never go into the bar? I don't know if I can do that. I have spent the past month almost completely isolated in my house recovering from surgery - really, almost no human interaction - and I can't do it! The more time I spend not able to keep busy and totally alone, the more depressed I get. I need some sort of physical interaction so, I need a solution so I can get what I need without torturing myself. I don't want to have to be physically removed from my computer or be totally broken. -
Reply #5 09/19/08 10:27pm
You sound like me. I create these men as well. Start with a man I know very little about, and fill in all the holes with what i want them to be. Then get all F'ed up when i realize they're not who I thought. Also doesn't help when they pretend to be. I am VERY isolated from the world. I very very very seldom do anything with any other humans. Very rarely even talk to humans if it's not thru a computer. -
Reply #6 09/20/08 1:35pm
Wow... I am not alone. I found a pretty good cure. I had someone turn it around on me. I don't do it to this extreme as she did. I have a filter... at least I think I do. They never know how obsessed I am. At least I don't think so. I posted a journal OBSESSION... if you want to check it out.
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