aprilmg

I had a break-through this week! Wow!

Posted on 09/12/08, 10:48 am

I don't know what's happened to me this wk, I have been through every emotion and thought ( everything from I WAS leaving Shane, going back to Richie, being alone, etc.) and I feel like I've come to a new understanding about my life. I used to think that Richie was the problem and if it wasn't for him doing all his stuff, I'd be happy. What I didn't realize was that my counsious picked him b/c he had an addictive personality and runs from intimacy. So, I left Richie thinking that would solve my problems and I'd be happy. That didn't make me happy so then I find Shane who is the perfect man and thought that'd make me happy. So this wk I realized I wasn't happy and that if I couldn't be happy w/ Richie or with the perfect guy, somethings wrong. I figured out I'm not happy w/ myself and unless I can be happy, no man will make me happy. When people said you can't rely on someone else to make you happy, I never thought I did. Now I can see that my happiness was based on them. Not that I should have stayed w/ Richie but I shouldn't have let Richie's actions determine if I was gonna be happy or not. If I'd stayed w/ him I don't know that I'd ever figured out that I wasn't happy w/ myself and I think if I'd got "healthy" mentally while I was with him, I'd have lost my attraction towards him b/c I'd have seen who he really was. I am reading this book called facing love addiction and it makes perfect sense. I looked for someone to rescue me b/c of my dad's addictions growing up and I had that fairy tale in my head. When I met Richie, all I could see was the fairy tale of what I wanted him to be but couldn't face the reality of who he really was. It's crazy to see why I picked him and how my mind worked in the process. My counselor told me Tuesday that he thought I was grieving my marriage b/c I'm finally realizing that all the love I had for Richie was based on a fairy tale and that in reality, he was never that great and that the intensity of me chasing him, him running, us fighting...brought on such heavy emotions that it always felt like an overwhelming lovey-dovey feeling. So, I been longing for that can't live w/out you feeling when that isn't a healthy feeling to have. So, now I'm just having to tell myself that even though I miss that "high", it was a "drug" and even though people love that high when they actually do drugs, it is still bad for them. The love addiction I have for Richie sends off the same signals to the brain as actual drugs do. Isn't that crazy? I am having to relearn what a normal, healthy, adult relationship is supposed to be like and boy has it threw me off. I think my problem is I hate my weight, when I look in the mirror I disgust myself so I notice his weight more than other people do. I read where the love addiction makes you feel that you have a wonderful sex life but that it's really in your head. Now I'm having to realize that it was the addiction that made sex so great and not really the actual sex. It (and talking to my friends about their sex lives) has made me realize I don't have to want him all the time, that sex doesn't have to be this overwhelming feeling. I'm kinda starting to see what I have with Shane is a healthy, normal feeling.....wow! It is weird to finally be able to see what a real relationship is like, it's like I was married to a 16 yr old for 11 yrs and I didn't realize we never came into an adult relationship. Anyway, I'm hoping my head continues to stay feeling like this. I am telling myself good things when I wake up in the morning to try to keep the negative thoughts away. I am trying to learn that it's ok to have fun, relax and not know what tomorrow brings. I have always thought I had to have the answer, the right answer and I had to have it right now. It has kept me from being able to enjoy today and I could never see that.

• Reply #1 09/12/08  12:40pm
  
  Nicrose
  It sounds like you are making positive steps! Keep up the good work!
• Reply #2 09/12/08  4:51pm
  
  NoOneLeft
  Good. I hear sex is not just supposed to be all hot, thrilling sexiness, but actually communion and a deep way of communication. Not that I would know! But this sounds like that: grown up.
• Reply #3 09/13/08  12:42am
  
  Back2Calee
  LOL NoOneLeft...you crack me up!
  
  April, you totally get it! I'm so proud of you for coming to this realization. It is so true that you have to love yourself first. Learn to be alone and learn who you are. Then you will attract your mirror (equal) instead of someone who is fulfilling a role. Hugs, L.
  
• Reply #4 09/14/08  6:48pm
  
  PepperChris...
  I relate to you so much!!! Thanks for sharing. I'm seriously addicted to this drug myself. I had never realized that the sex was part of the addiction. While in that high state of emotion. Either totally in Love, or trying to get back to that high of love after a fight. Whew! Deep!
• Reply #5 09/15/08  10:03am
  
  aprilmg
  I'm glad that I could finally see how things are supposed to be but I tell you, it's still hard not having that hot, passionate sex. It's still hard for me to comprehend that all of my friends are ok with it and that unless I want to be in an unhealthy relationship, I'm prob gonna be in the same boat as my friends. It's funny how I actually have to ask myself.. awesome sex with the bad boy or healthy relationship w/ great guy? Obviously I'd love to have both but I haven't found anybody that has both yet so I guess I just need to be "grown up" and be happy that I have someone who treats me so good. I'm thinking that as my mind gets healthier, I will be able to enjoy healthy sex. If not, maybe the answer is to live alone and just have casual hot sex but not get into a relationship with then....j/k, it's time for me to grow up, dang it!
• Reply #6 09/15/08  10:33am
  
  Kristeen
  So happy for your breakthrough. I've also been trying to give myself positive affirmations and it has been a battle because I still have trouble with the believing part. When I awaken I thank God for being alive and giving me a new day to enjoy because I choose to make it a good day. I guess I am a work in progress.
• Reply #7 09/24/08  7:35pm
  
  afloat
  i liked what you said :
  +++++If not, maybe the answer is to live alone and just have casual hot sex but not get into a relationship with then....j/k, it's time for me to grow up, dang it!++++++
  i'm right here with you on that. except i'd like to have my "shane" and go out and have hot racy sex with someone i'm initially attracted to....
  for me it is hard to have that hot racy sex with someone who truly knows me intimately.
  
  i agree with NoOne in that sex is deep communication. for most of us it is just too *vulnerable* a place to be.
  
  i agree with what you said about seeking the high of the drug---sex---.
  for me, i just take care of my own needs and allow sex with my bf to happen rather than try to force it to happen.
  
  i just try so hard to observe and allow.
  
  but i would also caution and repeat what i posted on another one of your posts and that is this----there is absolutely no reason to make any decision anytime soon regarding any of this.
  getting to know YOU should be your first priority.
  "in the meantime" by iyanla vanzant is a great book. her thesis is that once we can dissolve the fantasy of thinking of our current partner as the "end all be all" then we can think of him as the partner for the "meantime" while we work on our own issues.
  as our healing progresses then we are better able to evaluate our relationships and the importance of the needs we have.
  
  i have come a long long way in three years. actually, i feel i am a different person.
  
  there is no need to make a permanent commitment to someone as you begin your journey. the best part of journey, for me, has been having a willing companion who challenges my weaknesses.
  
  think about how far you've come in such a short time and think about how much more you will grow in a year's time.........
  (((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
• Reply #8 09/25/08  1:25pm
  
  aprilmg
  OK, WELL IT'S FUNNY TO SEE HOW MY MIND STILL CHANGES SO MUCH:) I HAVE NOW DECIDED THAT I AM GONNA LEAVE SHANE. SOMEONE POINTED OUT YESTERDAY AND THEIR WORDING HIT ME...I STAYED W/ RICHIE HOPING THINGS WOULD CHANGE, NOW I'M W/ SHANE HOPING THINGS WILL CHANGE. HELLO!!! DID I NOT LEARN ANYTHING??? THINGS DON'T CHANGE, BE HAPPY W/ WHAT THEY ARE OR MOVE ON. IT IS SAD B/C HE'S A GREAT GUY. I REALLY WANTED HIM TO BE THE ONE BUT CAN'T CONVINCE MYSELF HE IS SO I THINK I STILL NEED TO DO SOME GROWING. I AM HOLDING OUT FOR HAVING A GREAT GUY W/ GREAT SEX OR ATLEAST A GOOD GUY W/ GOOD SEX, I CAN COMPROMISE A LITTLE. I AM HOPING YOU CAN STILL FEEL IN LOVE AND IT BE HEALTHY (AND HAVE GREAT SEX):] I DID START ON CELEXA THIS WK AND I'M SCARED THAT'S GONNA RUIN MY SEX DRIVE AND I'M STILL GONNA BE SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED. CAN I NOT WIN THIS SEX THING??? IT'S ALWAYS CAUSING PROBLEMS???
• Reply #9 09/26/08  9:39am
  
  afloat
  well, if the sex drive is gone it's likely you won't care anymore! heh.
  look further into the sex thing....perhaps you are using it to escape? or using it to cope? perhaps you equate it with love? perhaps you deem it more important than it is?
  
  or maybe you just really like to have sex? ha.
  nothing wrong with that.
  
  just don't let "thumping private parts" determine who you "love".
  that book by iyanla vanzant "in the meantime" discusses all of what you have addressed.
  
  cheers again to you for being decisive and seeing the truth before you spend anymore time on the wrong highway. that is progress!
  xo
• Reply #10 09/26/08  11:04am
  
  aprilmg
  SEX JUST MAKES ME FEEL CLOSE TO SOMEONE. I COULD HANDLE IT IF I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE SEX BUT NOT IT IS AT THE POINT THAT I'D RATHER THROW UP THAN HAVE SEX W/ HIM, I JUST DREAD IT. I STILL GET HOT WHEN I SEE OTHER GUYS, JUST NOT W/ HIM. AS TIME GOES ON THOUGH, I'M STARTING TO SEE OTHER THINGS THAT JUST ANNOY ME ABOUT HIM AND EVEN THOUGH HE'S A PERFECT BF, I'M SURE I LIKE PERFECT. I HAVE ALSO COME TO BELIEVE THAT HE IS A LOVE ADDICT, HE JUST DOES WHATEVER TO TRY TO PLEASE ME BUT I JUST FEEL SMOOTHERED. I NEED SOME SEXUAL ATTRACTION. I KEPT THINKING I COULD MAKE IT HAPPEN BUT UNFORTUNATELY THINGS DON'T USUALLY CHANGE FOR THE BETTER IN THESE SITUATIONS. BELIEVE ME, THIS IS HARD. I HAVE WRESTLED W/ THIS FOR ALMOST A YR AND IT'S JUST THIS WK THAT I FINALLY SEE I CAN'T HANDLE IT. MAYBE I'M NOT CUT OUT FOR MARRIAGE, ATLEAST NOT RIGHT NOW. I THINK WHEN I FIND THE RIGHT ONE, I'LL WANT TO GET MARRIED INSTEAD OF AVOID IT THOUGH. I ALREADY WASTED 11 YRS W/ SOMEONE I WANTED TO CHANGE AND I JUST DON'T WANT TO WASTE ANYMORE TIME BEING UNHAPPY.

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