aprilmg

Have I turned into an avoidant?

Posted on 09/03/08, 09:18 am

I was in a love addict/codependent/avoidant relationship for 12 yrs. I have a 5 yr old son and was married for 7 yrs. I loved Richie so much! There was so much chemistry. I gave him everything I could give and just wanted to help him (fix him). Finally, a year ago, I had enough of his sexual addictions and left. He tried to commit suicide and I had to convince myself not to go back. I had picked him b/c his controlling made me think he loved me so much. I'd try to leave and he wouldn't let go so I stayed. I still feel that same chemistry everytime I see or talk to him. He is bad, he didn't even show up for our son's surgery. He only gets Caden about 1 or maybe 2 days a month w/ no calls or anything else. It's like he starts feeling bad about himself and Caden helps him feel better. Now I am engaged to a great man, the man of my dreams. He is the type who loves w/ all of his heart, a great "dad" to Caden, helps cook, clean, never fights w/ me...I am at a place where I can't seem to talk about relationship stuff. I think a lot of it is that I'm so scared of getting hurt again. I mean, the last guy I gave my whole heart to decided his addiction was more important than us. To me, it's like he just decided I wasn't enough, not good enough, pretty enough....I am just so scared that Shane will wake up oneday and say "this isn't worth it". I feel like I keep holding on to Richie b/c I know what to expect but can't let myself love Shane b/c of fear. He is totally different from what I'm usually attracted to, he's a good guy (I go after bad) and he's like 6'1 and 300 lbs, I've always been w/ 5'7 and 140 lbs. It is very hard for me to get into sex w/ him. I am sexual but I don't feel that way w/ him. I know I could not ask for more so what is my problem. I get that "perfect" guy but still crave the bad ones. I'm thinking there's a reason they say nice guys finish last and that good girls go after bad boys. What is Wrong with me??!!! My therapist says those feelings will grow w/ Shane as I let go of Richie and that I'm kinda making drama in my head b/c our love is real but I'm looking for issues. I know if I left Shane, I'd regret it the rest of my life but how do I start opening up to him instead of looking at his appearance and nit-picking? I have gone 1.5 wks w/out contact w/ Richie and prob the longest I've been is 2 days before so it's been kinda rough. I'm having to fight the urge to call/text/email and fight w/ him. Help!!!

• Reply #1 09/03/08  9:42am
  
  Kristeen
  Oh Honey, you are definitely a love addict. You have got to find yourself before you can marry the new man, even if he is good to you. The love addict wants somebody else to do their self care and fill that huge void your abandonment left. Have you read the "Facing Love Addction" book yet? Maybe you seek the drama that you had and that is what you are really missing. If you can't let him go one day at a time, then try one moment at a time. We at DS have been where you are so remember you don't have to do this by yourself! Read all you can as understanding the addiction is the first step to healing.
• Reply #2 09/03/08  9:54am
  
  aprilmg
  YES, I JUST FINISHED READING FACING LOVE ADDICTION AND IT REALLY HELPS (FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS) BUT THEN I START THE WHOLE CYCLE OVER AGAIN. IT TALKS ABOUT THE "INTENSE PASSION" THAT YOU FEEL IN YOUR UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP B/C OF ALL THE HIGHS AND LOWS AND IT MAKES SENSE. THE THING IS I WANT TO FEEL THAT *SO IN LOVE, CAN'T LIVE W/OUT U* FEELING AND IT'S LIKE I DON'T GET THAT W/OUT THE DRAMA. EVERYBODY SAYS THAT FEELING FADES BUT WHEN YOU'RE IN AN ADDICTED RELATIONSHIP, IT DOESN'T. IT'S ALWAYS THAT INTENSE. IT'S WEIRD THAT IT'S HARD TO BE HAPPY WITH A CALM, HEALTHY LIFE....
• Reply #3 09/03/08  10:18am
  
  NoOneLeft
  If you can't live without someone, that is not healthy or normal, so your aspiration is off. It is part of the human experience to lose those we love deeply, and part of it to survive this.
  
  Lots of guys are "good on paper"; it doesn't mean we can love them all. At 6'1" he is approximately 100 lbs overweight and, unless you yourself are quite overweight, it would be hard to experience sexual attraction, which is a necessary component of a relationship. This is not shallow, but simply reality. Healthy love can grow, but I don't know why your therapist is so sure it will in this case.
  
  These are not your only 2 choices in life; they are 2 extremes.
  
  You already know how sick it is to want to be with a deadbeat dad, so I don't have to tell you about that. I think it is a perversion for us to be attracted to such people because it is a playing out of our low self-esteem.
  
  You're in no hurry, so if you get into a 12 step program like SLAA you could learn to see your drama addiction for the cheap tinsel it is. We've all been there.
• Reply #4 09/03/08  12:40pm
  
  aprilmg
  I JUST CONFUSE MYSELF SO MUCH. IT'S LIKE SHANE'S MY BEST FRIEND BUT ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU WANT IN A MARRIAGE? HE GIVES ME THE SECURITY I NEED. HE'S NOT THE CHEATING KIND, HE'S A HARDWORKER, VERY SUCCESSFUL, MOTIVATED, SO FUNNY, UNDERSTANDING, LISTENS, HELPS...EVERYTHING. IT'S HIS WEIGHT THAT IS THE BIG TURN OFF FOR ME (HE IS PEAR SHAPED SO IT'S LIKE EVEN IF HE LOSES WEIGHT, HE'LL PROB ALWAYS HAVE A BIG BUTT WHICH DOES not TURN ME ON AT ALL) BUT THEN I TELL MYSELF THAT I'M 30 AND LOOKS ARE FADING SO I BETTER FIND SOMEONE I ACTUALLY LIKE, NOT JUST LUST AFTER. THEN I ARGUE W/ MYSELF THAT I NEED BOTH BUT ATTRACTIVE GUYS (IN MY MIND) ARE THE ONES THAT CHEAT MORE AND ARE JERKS. MAYBE IT'S MY DISTORTED WAY OF THINKING BUT...THAT'S WHAT'S IN MY HEAD. I THINK I WOULD FEEL LIKE I WASN'T ENOUGH IF I MET SOME HOT GUY. I CAN'T FIGURE OUT IF IT'S THE CODEPENDENCE IN ME THAT IS TRYING TO RUIN SOMETHING GOOD OR IF THIS REALLY ISN'T THE RIGHT THING TO BE DOING. NOW I AM LIVING W/ HIM, MY FAMILY LOVES HIM, MY SON ABSOLUTELY ADORES HIM (HE PLAYS W/ HIM CONSTANTLY) AND I CAN'T EVEN FIGURE MY FEELINGS OUT. HE'S 36 AND HAS NO KIDS SO HE'S "KINDA" WANTING TO GET ON W/ THINGS. I KNOW I HAVE TO KNOW 100% IF I LEAVE B/C HE WILL MOVE ON AND NOT LOOK BACK. I FEEL LIKE I'M LOSING THE BEST THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO ME IF I LET HIM GO BUT FEEL LIKE I AM LOSING MY PASSION IF I STAY. HE HAS EVERYTHING TO OFFER SO WHEN I THINK ABOUT IT THAT WAY, I'D BE LEAVING B/C OF SEX AND THAT WAS THE BEST PART OF MY LAST MARRIAGE. IT'S LIKE IT'S THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT I HAD. IT SHOULDN'T BE THAT HARD.
• Reply #5 09/03/08  12:47pm
  
  Kristeen
  NoOne, you have such wisdom! The "cheap tinsel" really hits the point home.
• Reply #6 09/04/08  2:08pm
  
  hope62
  If you are the best thing for Shane, then putting your relationship on hold will NOT make him run away. He will love you and patiently wait. If he truly loves you, he will not pressure you to make a decision or be angry if you say you need some time for self-growth. He will, in fact, love you all the more because you want to get this right. It's not so much Shane you are deciding on, it's you. What do you WANT and NEED out of life? Then, WHO do you want to share it with? You're trying to answer the second question before you even address and answer the first. NoOne, take a breath. Grieve your first relationship, learn from it and grow. Then assess your relationship with Shane. If you are a love addict, until you work on yourself, no relationship is going to be right. Do you go to counseling for yourself?
• Reply #7 09/04/08  3:05pm
  
  aprilmg
  YES, I GO TO COUNSELING ABOUT 1 TIME A MTH. HE SEEMS TO THINK THAT SHANE IS GREAT FOR ME AND DOESN'T WANT ME TO RUN HIM OFF. (HE ALSO COUNSELLED MY EX SO HE KNOWS WHAT AN ASS HE IS). IT'S LIKE I DON'T REALLY THINK I CAN HAVE A GREAT GUY AND CHEMISTRY. IF HE'S REALLY GOOD LOOKING, I'LL FEEL INSECURE AND THINK HE'LL CHEAT. I JUST FEEL LIKE SHANE IS A ONCE IN A LIFETIME KINDA FIND. EVERYONE THAT KNOWS HIM LOVES HIM, HE HAS GIRLS THAT ARE AFTER HIM. I JUST WANT TO FEEL THAT INTENSE LOVE FEELING. HE CAN LIVE W/OUT ME AND DOESN'T NEED TO BE FIXED. IT'S LIKE I WAS SO USED TO CHALLENGES IN MY PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIPS THAT I CAN'T ENJOY A HEALTHY ONE. A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY MARRY YOUR BEST FRIEND, LOOKS FADE, THAT RUSH FADES BUT THEN I SEE PEOPLE WRITING HOW MISERABLE THEY ARE B/C THEY MARRIED A FRIEND INSTEAD OF SOMEONE THEY HAD THAT FEELING WITH. PARTS OF ME WANT TO RUN AND BE BY MYSELF, I JUST WANT TO BE ABLE TO KNOW I'M MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICE!!!! I WANT NEXT TIME TO LAST HAPPILY FOREVER!
• Reply #8 09/04/08  4:33pm
  
  NoOneLeft
  Thanks Kristeen, you're such an affirmer. hope, I don't need a breath, but thank you!
  
  I too cannot deal with a big butt. My best friend has one, but I am not having sex with her.
  
  Again, it is not a choice between friend you are not attracted to and sexy Satan. I know you are afraid you will not find someone else. But if you choose friend you are not attracted to, you may heighten your risk of more sexy Satan. We can dare to dream for the middle ground, can we not? Even my priest, my confessor, once told me it is impossible to sustain a relationship with someone you are not attracted to.
  
  But, I know how hard it is to give up the bird in the hand. There is only the risks we take and the decisions we make, nothing more. That is lonely and hard sometimes.
• Reply #9 09/24/08  7:26pm
  
  afloat
  (((((((((hugs))))))))))
  
  first, you are not alone and there is nothing here to be ashamed of. it is great that you can be so honest with yourself and this group. so kudos for that.
  
  everyone has had good thoughts here. something that is missing here is the answer to "have you discussed this with shane?"
  is he sexual with you? does he wish to be more sexual?
  
  not to be a downer but nothing lasts happily forever. happiness comes and goes and mostly it is derived from the inside...not from something outside.
  
  i am a divorced mother of two. i have been in a relationship since filing for divorce (almost 3 years)....
  there is absolutely no reason for you to remarry or make this kind of decision anytime soon.
  
  let life unfold. stop trying to control your heart with your head and your head with your heart.
  continue going to therapy and focus on you.
  
  openly discuss your thoughts and feelings with shane----if he is that great of a guy then you should be able to do so. if not, then perhaps he is not the angel you perceive him to be but rather the angel you WANT him to be.
  
  all the best!
• Reply #10 09/25/08  1:44pm
  
  aprilmg
  THANKS! I HAVE KINDA TALKED TO SHANE ABOUT IT BUT I HAVE A BAD HABIT OF TALKING TOO MUCH AND I DON'T WANT TO HURT HIS SELF ESTEME. THE BRUTAL TRUTH OF IT IS THAT WHEN I LOOK AT HIM I SEE A SWEET GUY THAT IS FAT, HAIRY, HAS A BIG BUTT AND TAKES 30 MINS LONGER THAN I WANT HIM TO TO GET OFF. IT HAS REALLY MADE IT WHERE I *DREAD* HAVING SEX W/ HIM. I'M HAVING A CYST REMOVED NEXT WK OFF MY OVARIES AND HE THINKS I CAN'T HAVE SEX RIGHT NOW AND THEY SAID I CAN'T HAVE SEX FOR ABOUT 4 WKS AFTER THAT SO THAT GETS ME OFF THE HOOK FOR A LITTLE BIT. I AM ACTUALLY PLANNING TO LEAVE IN ABOUT A MTH AS SOON AS I RECOVER FROM SURGERY. HE IS GREAT BUT I'M STARTING TO SEE HE'S NOT FOR ME. I CAN'T GO THE REST OF MY LIFE DREADING SEX. HE WANTS IT, HE FINDS ME ATTRACTIVE. HE WANTS ME TO GIVE HIM A BLOW JOB B/C I AGREED FOR EVERY 10 LBS HE LOST THAT I WOULD BUT THE THOUGHT MAKES ME SICK. MY FEELINGS SEEM TO BE GETTING WORSE BUT THEN HE TALKS AND IS SO SWEET. BUT SOMETHING IS MISSING AND I CAN'T LIVE W/OUT IT. I FEEL REALLY BAD THOUGH. I DID TELL HIM THAT WHEN I GOT REMARRIED I WANTED TO FEEL SO INLOVE WHEN I SAID MY VOWS AND I WASN'T AT THAT POINT RIGHT NOW. I ALSO TOLD HIM I'M USED TO AN INTENSE CONNECTION AND IT'S DIFF W/ HIM. I STARTED ANTIDEPRESSANTS THIS WK AND HE'S HOPING THAT'S WHY I'M IN A BAD MOOD LATELY AND THAT THEY'LL FIX ME. SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO EXPLODE!!! I DON'T KNOW HOW I GET MYSELF INTO THESE MESSES!

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