imstumbling

Rejection/Replacement/Abandoment

Posted on 08/29/08, 09:55 pm

Hi everyone. I just recently joined this group after the realization (with the help of my therapist! ;-) that I am completely addicted to my ex. I started out on the Breakups board but realize this is more appropriate for me. I have the intellectual understanding that I am addicted to him, but I can't do a damn thing with it. The story of me and my ex is a new journal entry I just wrote.

As I ended it saying, I feel like I am dying...from rejection, replacement, abandonment...fill in the blank. I have these non-stop obsessive thoughts about him, him being with her, etc. I literally FIGHT myself to not email/call/text. I am hurting so much b/c he appears to have totally moved on now, maybe...? In being totally honest with myself, as much as I want to stop this cycle and break free from my addiction to him, I keep hoping that he will toss me that little bread crumb..... But I donâ??t want to live like this anymore!!!! Does anyone have practical steps to offer to help get through this right now, these next few days? He and I were supposed to be away this weekend together. And I am home alone....while he's probably with her..........

• Reply #1 08/29/08  10:04pm
  
  AgentSmith
  Order "Facing Love Addiction" by Pia Mellody immediately.
• Reply #2 08/29/08  10:09pm
  
  imstumbling
  You know what's crazy?? I JUST got an email from Barnes and Noble to advise me that the book I ordered, "How to Break Your Addiction to a Person," is in and I can pick it up. I will order this one, too. Thank you... Knowledge is power, right...?
  
• Reply #3 08/29/08  10:17pm
  
  AgentSmith
  I have that one in my wishlist on amazon (I have a 3 page wishlist of books on these issues). Let me know if it's good.
• Reply #4 08/30/08  8:59am
  
  NoOneLeft
  You could see if there are any meetings near you and go to them:
  
  http://www.localslaa.org
  
  Go to an open AA meeting. Anyone can go and they are addicts too. You could learn something. Stay around other people and away from the phone, away from home if necessary. Go to the movies, go to anything like that. Sit in a bookstore and have coffee. See people, be around people. If there is anything that is pleasant for you to do that you can think of doing, go do it. It doesn't matter you will still be obsessing on him while you do it. When you are home, research your recovery on the internet. Read books on it if you can buy them.
• Reply #5 08/30/08  11:07pm
  
  blooming19
  I'm so sorry you are hurting, i know the pain that comes with being addicted to someone and watching them move on. There are alot of good books on the subject. journaling is a great idea, Writing down everything you are feeling and everythiing you want to say to the person helps to clear your head. I hope you have a good friend you can talk to. you'll get through this it takes time and alot of work. Take care of yourself.
• Reply #6 09/02/08  11:57am
  
  Kristeen
  We are on this site because we have been exactly as where you are. In the book, Pia mentions throwing anger bombs. To connect with my ex, I started writing hateful emails and leaving voice messages. I now see that is part of the addiction to this person, who I made my Higher Power. Pia also said we expect our mate to take care of us to the point we don't do any self care. That is totally me and it is so very hard to cook, clean, find an interest - when it is only me. I am not there yet, but at least I undertand myself better. The book also helped me see he was a love avoidant who would seek his happiness through outside activities and addictions (his airplane, his football, his yard work, his drinking) because he was unable to connect emotionally to me. This helped me see it wasn't that I was unworthy; I picked him because he was such a vibrant person who I wanted to be around in hopes it would rub off on me! My next book to read is Codependent No More by Melodie Beatty.
• Reply #7 09/02/08  11:10pm
  
  jules89
  Hang on girl!! You can get through it. I have been obsessed about my ex but I have been getting through it. I still have a long way to go but my minutes have turned into days and my days have turned into weeks. I still think of him every day but it has been two weeks since I have reached out to him.
• Reply #8 09/03/08  8:48am
  
  aprilmg
  I am sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. Believe me, I completely understand. I divorced my husband about a year ago and still obsess over him like crazy. I am in a relationship w/ a healthy man and can't even enjoy it. It has been a week w/out any contact w/ him and it's killing me. I am having to fight myself to not call/email/text him. We were together almost 12 yrs and it is very hard to tell myself that our life was so wrong and unhealthy. He had sexual addictions and could be very mean. I have read codependent no more and facing love addiction. they are both good but if I had to pick one to read first, it'd be facing love addiction. I kinda idealized our passion and not can't seem to get into the sexual aspect of my new relationship. that book tells you it's the highs and lows of the relationship that you mistake for passion and it made sense. Hasn't really helped but atleast I can see why I'm feeling the way I feel. I am hoping there is an end to this struggle but I just can't see it yet....
• Reply #9 09/24/08  7:45pm
  
  afloat
  as Pia says in her book, withdrawal is the most painful and difficult part.
  remember the butterfly and how much it must struggle to emerge from the cocoon of its caterpillarhood.
  
  you will do this and you will thrive. you just must have faith and take it one day at a time.
  
  i agree that open AA meetings can help. they changed my life. just to see the addicts perspective. Al Anon has been a huge help too. to see those who are living and coping and HAPPY while being with someone in active addiction.
  
  ((((((((((blessings)))))))))))))))))
• Reply #10 10/01/08  12:08am
  
  hope39
  Hang in there. You are not alone in the feelings you are having. Just wanted to add to the replies you've already received. The obsessiveness and the feelings of rejection and abandonment are so hard but are all a part of this addiction. U R not alone in your feelings. I'm there now.
  You have gotten some great advice (which I needed to read and put into practice, myself) about getting to meetings, journaling, reading the Pia Mellody book, etc.
  Remember that you have strength or you would not be reaching out for help on this board.
  

This forum will help all who wish to recover and gain some tools to be able to cope and deal with the issues stemming from our emotional problems that are hurting our relationships on a day to day basis...The relationship with ourselves as well as others...The solution is here for the taking..