Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, â??You know, I donâ??t know what else to do Whenever I go home after weâ??ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!â??
His buddy looks at him and says, â??Well, youâ??re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, â??You as horny as I am?â?? â?¦ and she always acts like sheâ??s sound asleep!â??
Discussion Topic
funny joke
Posted on 08/03/08, 02:17 pm
ok here goes theres a little grandma who calls up the hospital and ask if any one could tell her how apatient is doing the operator asked for the name and room number the grandmother replied norma smith the operator told her shell be back in a sec well grannies waiting a few when all the sudden the operator came back on and said norma was just fine all her test results came back ok doc releasing her tommorrow grannie says thats just wonderfull the operator asked her what her relationship was to her the grandmother says none my name is norma smith in305 and nobody tells me crap
-
Reply #1 08/03/08 2:25pm
-
Reply #2 08/03/08 8:39pm
The wolf side of the story
One day the wolf ran out of suger and decided to go to the little piggies home to get some suger, when the wolf knocked on the door, the little piggies home made of straw fell down and killed the little piggy so the wolf said" cant let a good ham go to waste" so he ate the little piggy.
the wolf still needed suger so he went to the piggies home of stick and knocked on the door, when he knocked on the door, the dust of the wood made him sneeze and the house fell, killed the piggy and the piggy died. Now the wolf again, " cant let good ham go to waste, so he ate the piggy. Now the wolf had one more chance to get suger, so he went to the piggies home of brick. Knocked on the door and the piggy said I wont let you in by the hair of my chinny chin chin, and the wolf replied, let me in pig!! So the door opened and there stood a cop to bust him with slaughter to the first degree - the wolf stands behind bars -- Honest it was not my fault, The pig died!! -
Reply #3 08/04/08 8:38pm
agrandson goes to grandfolks home sees gramps sittin on the front porch with no pants on grandpa he says you cant sit out here with no pants on and your thingy flappin in the air well grandpa turns towards him and says blame your grandma last night i sat on the porch with no shirt on woke up with a stiff neck your grandma told me to go out today with no pants on -
Reply #4 08/05/08 9:39am
Paddy and Mick walking down a street in London. Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said 'Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair'.
Paddy says to his pal, 'Mick, Look! We could buy a whole lot of dose and when we get back to Ireland, we could make a fortune Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. OI'll speak in me best English accent.'
'Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will.' says Mick.
They go in and Paddy says, 'I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my van and .......'
The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from Ireland, aren't you?'
'Well...yes,' says a surprised Paddy. 'How de hell d' y' know dat?'
The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners.' -
Reply #5 08/09/08 9:58pm
ok here goes there was this elderly man named jim who lived in a nursing home well one night hes sitting outside on a bench when all of the sudden betty shows up she ask jim whats hes thinkin about he tells her all the things he misses the most of course sex is the thing he misses the most well betty says at your age youd be lucky to last a minute jim says he knows but hed be happy with a woman just talkin to him and holding it for about 5 minutes well betty says she can do that so they do this for a week when one night she cant find jim she searches around finds him in another courtyard with another woman sally well she says you to timen b-----d whats she got that i dont jim looks at her and says sally got parkinsons no offense intented -
Reply #6 08/17/08 8:51am
An Australian guy is traveling around the Greek Islands .
He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian Barmaid.
As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the
course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he
asks if she wants to come back to his place.
Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her
$200 to sleep with him.
As she is traveling around the world, and is short of funds, she
agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and
after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him
again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to
agree.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again,
orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that
if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash
out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he's from in Australia . - ' Melbourne ', he tells her.
'So am I. What suburb?' she enquires. 'Glen Iris' he replies.
'That's amazing.........' she says excitedly, '..........so am I - what
street?' ' Cameo Street ' he replies.
'This is unbelievable.........' she says, her voice quavering. 'What
number?' 'Number 20', he replies.
She is totally astonished.
'You are NOT going to believe this........', she screams, 'but I'm from
number 22! My parents still live there!'
'I know...' he says, 'Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you'
HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN -
Reply #7 08/17/08 8:53am
Dad at the mall:
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided
to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager
sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors:
green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager
had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done
anything wild In your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on
his response; knowing he would have a good one.
And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
'Got drunk once and shagged a peacock. I was just wondering if you were
my son.' -
Reply #8 08/19/08 7:59am
A Trip To The Doctor's Office
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied,
"Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."
HaHa - What were you thinking?
-
Reply #9 08/19/08 8:04am
Underwear dust
>
> One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to
> his wife
> 'Perhaps we should start
> washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a
> few inches off
> of
> your butt!'
>
> His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply
> couldn't let such
> a
> comment go un-rewarded.
>
> The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out
> of his
> drawer.
> 'What the Hell is this??'
> he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud
> appeared when he shook them
> out.
> 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why
> did you put talcum powder
> in my
> underwear?'
>
> She replied ...'It's not talcum
> powder......It's 'Miracle Grow' -
Reply #10 08/19/08 8:11am
George Carlin on age.
(Absolutely Brilliant)
IF YOU DON'T READ THIS TO THE VERY END,
YOU HAVE LOST A DAY IN YOUR LIFE.
George Carlin's Views on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?
If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excit ed about aging that you think in fractions.
'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!'
You're never thirty-six and a half.
You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.
You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!'
You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!
And then the greatest day of your life .. . You become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony .
YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there?
Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out.
There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling.
What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.
Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away.
Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 6 0. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70!
After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle;
you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime.
And it doesn't end there.
Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'
Then a strange thing happens.
If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again.
'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers.
This includes age, weight and height.
Let the doctors worry about them.
That is why you pay 'them.'
2. Keep only cheerful friends.
The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning.
Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever.
Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.'
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud.
Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen.
Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love,
whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
Your home is your refuge .
8. Cherish your health:
If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips.
Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county;
to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them,
at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away.
And if you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares?
But do share this with someone.
We all need to live life to its fullest each day!!
Welcome
Join This Group
I first joined Ds when I was so low not knowing what was wrong with me. I since found out I was going through the menopause. I am now in the position to help others who are at a low or feeling down or just want a laugh.I love seeing people happy so if i can put a smile on your face all the better. I created the group for jokes, humour etc, for people of DS to call in when they need a laugh or pick me up. Please feel free to join this group add your own humour too.
