It could be that while he was supporting you in your grieving he didn't take the time he needed for his own grieving. Men are funny animals; they definitely grieve differently than we do because theirs is a different perspective. We are the ones who go through all the physical and emotional changes..we feel everything whereas they don't. So for them, even if they are totally thrilled to be having a baby, that closeness and that bond of attachment isn't quite like it is with women. Same with the grieving. Unfortunately men have been guilted by society into believing that they have to be the big strong emotionless hunters and protectors of the womenfolk and so to show any kind of feeling or emotion is the same thing as showing signs of weakness. I personally think that's a load of fertilizer. I think the strongest thing a man can do is shed tears and show feeling. That's me, though.
I agree with you--I think that him throwing himself into his work is his way of dealing with his grief. I honestly don't think that he is purposely trying to break your heart or hurt you in any way but I know it is. Be honest with him and let him know how you feel but also reassure him that you are there for him unconditionally. Good lluck honey and I am so sorry for your loss.
Discussion Topic
New and needing advise?
Posted on 04/16/08, 03:25 pm
Hello DS Friends. I'm new to this group but have been a member of the Stillbirth group for a few weeks (finding it wonderfully supportive). I stumbled on this group just at the right time. I lost my son on 01/31/08 at 20wks. My husband and I have been happily married for 6+ yrs and have two healthy children and now one Angel. Immediately After our loss we were closer than ever - Talking, sharing and supporting one another. For those first few weeks he was so supportive. Now ,11wks later, he is shutting me out. He has managed to become an all out work-a-holic (really 24/7) Initially he said he needed to get caught up from worked missed after our loss, but it has continued and getting worse. I think this is just his way of dealing and keeping himself busy but it is breaking my heart. He won't talk to me or discuss or son...always too busy. Any one experienced this? Advice?
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Reply #1 04/16/08 10:17pm
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Reply #2 04/18/08 10:59pm
I know for me i was so busy taking care of my ex that i didnt even have time to sit down and cry myself..this could be his way of still trying to be strong yet finding it really hard to do so, give him space but let him know you still love him and you are here for him.. if you need to talk about your son go to friends and family, they can help support you where your husband can not right now. good luck and we are always here for you my dear just remeber, through the dark and weak times that is when we trul find out how strong we are inside our hearts.
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Miscarriage is hard on anyone, yet sometimes we as humans forget just how hard a miscarriage can be on one relationship with they loved one wife/husband
