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Any suggestions

Posted on 07/23/08, 11:06 pm

About 2 months after my H and I got married, it started. This went on for a total of 4 months before I found out. It stopped then, that was 16 months ago. We don't discuss the A, or the oW anymore. He promised me that he would never do this again, and that he had never done this before. I think he knows that there is something bothering me, but I don't think he knows what that something is. We have managed fairly well without counseling, but I have a ton of unanswered questions and it consumes me. My H works out of town for his job. After the A he got a new job that brings him home every weekend. I still have a lot of trust issues, or at least I think I do. My heart still feels so broken and bruised on the inside and I feel so incomplete. I lost my job because of it and I've been so unhappy. I really don't have anyone to talk to about this because none of my friends know what to say. Even though I don't bring it up to them, I'm afraid to. Some days I don't feel human. Are all of these feelings normal? What are some ways that I can deal with these? I want to feel me again.

Showing 3 Replies

Reply #1 07/23/08 11:25pm

tweedsie

I'm so sorry for you and your pain! You can't just sweep it under the rug and it go away it just festers and becomes stinky...

I don't see how you will ever be able to be happy if you can't find a way to talk to your H about how you feel. All you are doing without counseling is holding your breath through life and that won't sustain you...try counseling it really can help you even if it is just you for now and maybe he can join you in counseling at a later date.

Hugs to you!
Reply #2 07/24/08 8:54am

naive1966

I agree with Tweedsie. Your relationship is very vulnerable to a repeat affair if issues were never properly addressed. I'll take it a step further in that you just barele started married life and you and your h are not building any good feelings as a foundation for a long and healthy marriage. Ignoring the situation will only make you grow in resentment and angry feelings for him which he will read and then stay away from you because he won't know what to do or what you need.

I also think him having a job that he only comes home on weekends is disasterous. It is for eve a solidl and happy marriage never mind one that is on rocky ground. You two need to desperately set up some marriage counseling sessions that he will agree to. Tell him you want an awesome marriage that fulfills you both and if that is what he would like it can be done no matter the past so far if he wants it too. Good luck.
Reply #3 07/24/08 10:23am

CCOlson

I agree with Tweedsie and Naive. Do the counseling even if your husband doesn't want to. You are at a very unhappy stage of your life and you need to make yourself whole again. Everything you are feeling is normal. However, you can't keep this bottled-up. You need to release the hurt and anger. Your H has to eventually realize this as well - you don't want to rehash the issue to hurt him but rather to heal yourself. Also, I realize that sometimes you can't avoid the type of work you have but make sure you have pretty consistent contact even when he is away. When I go away on business or my H goes on one of his guy weekends (hunting/fishing), we keep in contact through fun and flirty texts. Good luck to you both.