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Discussion Topic

Family questions

Posted on 07/22/08, 05:36 pm

My family all know about the affair and they've been pretty great. Lately, one little problem is my family keeps asking my H how things are going. Sometimes they will catch him at a bad moment, like when he has just heard an affair story that has upset him, or passed OM on the street, or something of that nature. So, then when they ask him how it is going he will respond without much enthusiasm and say something like, well I think she's happy, but I thought so before and was wrong, or something like that. He always tells me later when someone asks him and he also tells me of his responses. I am ususally really positive whenever I talk to anyone about it, but they don't seem to ask me as much. I am not sure if I should be reassuring my family, or just letting them think what they want to think. I don't think they understand why my H is reluctant to be too optimistic to others. He is trying to protect himself. I am not even sure what I am trying to ask or say here.

Showing 1 - 10 of 13 Replies

Reply #1 07/22/08 6:07pm

tweedsie

I don't know if this helps but our family all knows and when we visit my parents who live only a few miles away they are pleasant and polite to my H but don't really ask him any questions. I don't know if they know what to say as it's just one of those things people tend to shy away from talking abou as to not cause further harm. My parents want whatever I want but at the same time the relationship will never be the same between them and my H and at this point it's not worth the argument to expect it.

I guess you have to just realize people are probably pulling for you guys but just don't know what to say to you where as it tends to be easier to ask your H how things are going.
Reply #2 07/22/08 6:12pm

special3

I'm not sure how to encourage you with this situation. Sounds like you have been fortunate so far,they have been supportive! That's a positive. I'm thinking,just continue to be positive as you have been. It gets complicated with families,maybe they don't realize you hurt to,so they don't ask you. I can't see any harm in reassuring them or even telling them why your H is at times reluctant. The more information they have the better able to understand.
I just have to say, I think you are an amazing person!
Reply #3 07/22/08 6:29pm

outsideofth...

With the risk of sounding like "Infidel" (he is on my friends list, so don't bug me about poking fun at him, we have an understanding, *the understanding is. . . that we don't understand each other) but I digress.

What I think you are saying is, that it bothers you:

#1) that your husband is being asked how he is doing, and you are NOT being asked how you are doing very often, which shows a certain lack of sympathy for you and your difficult position.

#2)your husband's responses are something you understand, but you are afraid that others might not understand his less than enthusiastic replies, which you know are due to certain circumstances of that particular day, but others are probably not aware of the perilous world of triggers where the betrayed all live.

#3)you wonder if it is your job to be the cheer leader to your family where the state of your marriage is concerned, or if you should let your husband's comments be his and leave it all at that.

Am I close? do I understand what you are saying?

I would argue that both you and your husband need to help your children, even adult children, understand the state of your marriage. Your husband does not have the right to rock their world because he is pissed off for the day. I know this sounds cruel (i am betrayed also, so I know how upset he is) but he is still their father and needs to do the fatherly thing and put his kids need for stability above his need to vent. I would say the same thing even if you were divorcing and not trying to rebuild. It is different for siblings, parents etc. then I say, let it go. Let your husband handle them the way he wants to handle them.
Reply #4 07/22/08 7:16pm

naive1966

My family does not know and I think in general family members are not too sympathetic to asking the person who had the affair how they are. The concern seems to be for the betrayed spouse. That being said. Your spouse sounds like a very honest guy who answers how he feels when asked. It may be that you are more optimistic about how things are going in general. It's greatthat he shares when asked and what his responses are. It may also be his opportunity to also let you know that maybe he is not always as up as you might be trying to be... which sounds like you understand. Anyway. you and your souse should just answer honestly as you have been and I am sure your family will continue to support you.. Sometimes we try to read too much into things. It is what it is. You both seeem to be doing steadily well so just think of that.
Reply #5 07/22/08 8:21pm

ibex

Thanks for all the input. Outside, I think #2 and #3 were right on. And I was more talking about MY family...my sisters, brother-in-law, and mom. We do talk to our kids quite often about how we are doing, and some of them live with us and get to see how close we are, or they can see if we are struggling.
I guess it does bother me a little if he sound a little pessimistic to anyone in my family...because as supportive as they are they are also going to tend to gossip to each other and I guess I'm just getting tired of feeling a little like we're under a microscope. I know that they all care about us and want us to work things out and I'm afraid they will jump to conclusions over one or two comments. Oh, well, in the grand scheme this is only a minor thing. How we are working together on this is the most important thing.
I guess I am very lucky in that I feel like my family is somewhat sympathetic to me despite the fact that I cheated. They all know how much my family has meant to me and I think they realize that this has hurt me as a person, that I let everyone down like I did.
Reply #6 07/22/08 9:50pm

jrsygrl13

I think people don't know what to say and asking how things are is an attempt at concern and/or conversation. In my case...everyone knows about the affair...and I know that everyone has a different way of looking at it...some are very supportive and some are still angry with my husband...some I sense,can't figure out why I stayed...others have pretty much forgotten about it (it has been 17 months) and I'm the one that keeps imagining that everyone is judging me, us, our choices...and I shouldn't...you shouldn't...in the end you have to do what's right for you and your husband and not worry about what family members think...until they have walked in your shoes they will never be able to understand what you are going through...if they care about you..they want you both to be happy...
Reply #7 07/23/08 10:23am

tearful

His replies can be because he isn't sure...If he thought things had been good before and he was totally blind sided by the affair he might never be 100% sure again. That's how I am, my husband totally blind sided me when he told me, I had no clue, Now when he says he loves me, he'll never cheat again, he'll always be there for me. I ask myself is he telling me the truth because heaven knows I believed him before and look what he did. The trust I "HAD" for him will always be gone and now even though we are doing good, I walk with my back against the wall to protect myself from unseen daggers. GOOD LUCK !!!
Reply #8 07/23/08 12:06pm

ibex

tearful, yes that is what my H says. He thought we had something special, he thought things were really good, and then I did this. So, now, no matter how happy I seem, how can he believe it? I tend to 'put on a happy face' even when things bother me. I guess I do hide some of myself away because I think that it is important to be positive. I also had a problem with anger (dealing with others) and so I tend to just be nice rather than deal with things. This perhaps has caused some problems in the long run, but I think we are working on those things.
Perhaps the trust will never be there again and in that case I guess we'll just learn to live with it.
Reply #9 07/23/08 8:38pm

needhelp62

He is afraid of being betrayed again. Its like asking someone for a job reference when you know this person has had performance issues at work. You don't want to give the recommendation if you're not sure what they will do. He thought you two had something special and you were unfaithful. We just don't believe it anymore. Many cheaters were such convincing liars while cheating, how can we believe when you're telling the truth? We can't. We were fooled once before.....It like the little boy who cried wolf. When he wanted someone to believe him, they didn't.
Reply #10 07/24/08 8:33am

svdbylove

Ibex, this not really having anything to do w/ your original post but more about building trust w/ your H.. You were sharing the part about you hiding yourself.. I just wanted to say, i truely hope your H is also seeing the less 'positive' side of you.. and seeing that your not always okay.. I think also seeing that things are not always positive' and that things are NOT always okay.. is also building trust..
Just an observation that has enormous effects in my own life..