Discussion Topic

Expectations

Posted on 05/16/08, 05:03 pm

I started this topic because of outsidethebox asking if shes expecting to much.
I think When we marry someone they come with all those behaviors good bad and indifferent. The bad ones you sort of deal with because your in love. But what I am starting to realize is that the bad behaviors are standing out ALOT more then before since the affair. So I think I am expecting H to be a completely different person since HE wants to stay in the marriage and HE wants to work it out. But at the same time, you have to remember your H personality was like before too. My H was not a BIG talker and he's still not. We have talks and therapy sessions but I guess I keep hoping and expecting that since we both agreed to stay in this marriage that there would be this big connection now that he's focusing on us/me. Granted he has made some changes in how he is with us and our son and responsiblities at home but he's still not a big talker....so to say are you expecting to much? I dont think so but I realized that I may not get what I want (expect) because he wasnt like that before. Does that make sense?
Sharing my fears, triggers, emotions etc with him helps me ALOT takes alot of pressure off of me

Showing 7 Replies

Reply #1 05/16/08 5:50pm

jenniferhart

My H was not much of a talker when we got together. But he opened up during his time in the Navy. He went over seas and started having a big head. He was not longer quiet or shy. What I did notice and see now. Is that he is a big talker with everyone else except me. I would understand if my H was like yours. Always that way and is that way now. But my H can talk, he can be sweet and hold a conversation real nice. Just not with me! Wouldn't it be so helpful to us if our husbands would just open up. But your right that my never happen. This I know. My H may never open up and talk to me but God is talking to me and telling me that I am so Loved by Him! When your H doesnt say what you want to hear, listen God is saying it. I love you,you are going to be Alright, Am Here for you! Listen!
Reply #2 05/16/08 6:01pm

outsideofth...

This is a difficult thing for me. Expectations. I have gone from expecting a "normal marriage" to expecting a "fantastic marriage. Believe or not I was happy before I found out. Our marriage was "good". There was no substance abuse, no neglect, no verbal abuse, we had sex regularly, we were fine financially with no debt, and we got along well most of the time. There was some distance and some walls up between us. I thought this was due to his work stress and his depression, which was being treated. We celebrated birthdays and holidays and went on vacations etc, etc. He was not a big talker either. I accepted this trait because I felt I had so much, that this was a small thing to "put up with".

Now, I know that I was happy, but he was not. Now I know that I was faithful, but he was not. Now, I know that he lied to me every single day for 7 and 1/2 years during and after the affair(s). Sometimes outright lies, sometimes lies of omission, but a lie, is a lie, is a lie. Now I want the entire truth. Now I want the good and the bad. Now I want the WHOLE ENCHILADA! I need for him to learn to talk, about his feelings, about us, about the past, the present, the future, EVERYTHING! If he doesn't learn to open up to me, we are doomed to repeat the past, not in the same way, but something bad will happen. I don't want a quiet marriage anymore. I want closeness and intimacy and talk, talk ,talk. We have done so well and he did talk about the affair(s) but each and every time it was full of pain, he cannot seem to release his pain by talking it out. Will he ever learn to do that? Will he be able to change? I don't know. I only know that if he doesn't learn how to communicate, I will go to others for this. I need a place to talk about my feelings and talking to a wall is not fulfilling. I have turned to this group to reach out and connect but it is not enough. I need to be a the kind of wife who can give and listen and forgive but I need mostly to be able to make sense to all of this pain. I need to have a marriage that is great, sexy, passionate, loving, warm, tender, close, strong, full of compassion and full of communication of all types,and able to withstand the grind of this harsh world. Do I have high expectations? you betcha! and I deserve this, not because of the affairs, not because of the pain, but because this is the kind of marriage that every person deserves.
Reply #3 05/16/08 6:12pm

wjztrimmer

My experience is that my expectations haven't necessarily increased or changed, they are the same. Now, though, there is a major motivation on her part not just to meet MY expectations, but to meet the expectations she has of herself. I no longer accept excuses. I ask her to answer my questions with "yes" or "no" and then she can clarify. I've asked her to be vulnerable with me, to be honest with me...i expected this all along, it's just that I let her make excuses. After I discovered the affair, I let her know what kind of person I would marry today. I wrote it out for her and asked her to think long and hard about whether or not she is that person. She said she is and it looks to me like she is.
Reply #4 05/16/08 8:07pm

naive1966

You have some good insight. They may want to fix things but they are who they were. I tend to forget that myself. I think I can't even remember anymore what we were like before the affair.. what was normal... what was our communication and interaction like. I didn't think it was that bad and now I can't even get back to that level. It's like everything before the affair is getting lost and colored in a different way now... not necessarily good. I think you are saying they are human, trying to do better but still human and who they have been. They won't become what we want which is obviously better than what we had. Maybe you are right and we, at least I am, expecting more than what is realistic.

Thanks for your insight.
Reply #5 05/16/08 8:07pm

naive1966

You have some good insight. They may want to fix things but they are who they were. I tend to forget that myself. I think I can't even remember anymore what we were like before the affair.. what was normal... what was our communication and interaction like. I didn't think it was that bad and now I can't even get back to that level. It's like everything before the affair is getting lost and colored in a different way now... not necessarily good. I think you are saying they are human, trying to do better but still human and who they have been. They won't become what we want which is obviously better than what we had. Maybe you are right and we, at least I am, expecting more than what is realistic.

Thanks for your insight.
Reply #6 05/17/08 1:14pm

jrsygrl13

Once again..I agree so much with outsidethe... I want a completely different marriage... we deserve a much better marriage...finally, after all of these years together... I want to get it right.. I want the communication and the openness and the honesty... I keep thinking...if we had had that before the affair would not have happened....

but..mjb you are right in that we are changed by the aftermath of the affair in many ways but...many character traits are still the same... so our expectations of a complete and miraculous change can be unrealistic...
my husband is trying very hard to be a new person..but the old habits creep in...and for him ...his expectations are more that the old jerseygirl will just come back ..now that the dust has settled...and maybe I will ,eventually, but in many ways I have been changed forever by this experience both for the better and the worse...so his expectations for me may be unrealistic as well...
Reply #7 05/20/08 11:42am

mjb33814

Dont get me wrong I agree with you guys too about wanting and deserving a better marriage absolutely!!! I didnt mean to say we didnt.