Discussion Topic

Lesson from the pain

Posted on 05/15/08, 09:21 pm

I am trying to understand the lesson from all this pain. What have you learned? For me the main thing is that I feel so much more connected to anyone or anything that has or is going through pain. I know that is just the tip of the lesson. What have you learned from your pain?

Showing 9 Replies

Reply #1 05/15/08 9:45pm

maxtomsmom

The true importance of communication.
Reply #2 05/16/08 7:10am

nvrfrgt1

Trust needs to be examined daily. And I agree with the other ttwo posts wholeheartedly as well- I had 3 miscarriages and it's like unitl you go thtrough it you can never understand and now there's a "kinship" among those who have. I feel the same with anyone who has gone through this hell. Oh and as I'm writing, I tell everyone- never say you know you'd do this or that if it happened to you- you just don't know...
Reply #3 05/16/08 7:57am

jimmmy

hi does anyone know if there is live chat to people who have gone through this?
Reply #4 05/16/08 9:00am

humbledvirg...

COMMUNICATION AND RESPECT are keys to a great relationship....being friends is important as well as a spouse
Reply #5 05/16/08 11:03am

Carol54

That's an interesting question. I'm still struggling with it. But so far, the lesson (for me) is to look at reality, and not a rosy picture of what I want reality to be. I have to try very hard every day not to go back to my "comfortable" state of denial of problems, and pretending to myself there isn't anything that could go wrong, and everything is hunky-dory. I don't want to go too far in the other direction, though, and be overly suspicious and negative either. But, I feel that I could have known what was going on, as far as my husband's depression, alcoholism and affair, if I had had my eyes fully open.

Also, re-reading your question - you said what lesson have we learned from the pain? Well, from the pain I experienced I learned just how much power I have - and it can be negative power or positive power. I let my negative power control me for a whole year, maybe longer. It was so scary because I had never before been unable to control my mind! I am now able (most of the time) to control the negative power, thoughts and so forth, and replace it with the positive. So I think the lesson I learned from my pain, is never to let go of my ability to be in control of that huge negative power that is inside me.
Reply #6 05/16/08 11:24am

svdbylove

Oh my goodness.. MrsCarol.. that gave me goosebumps.. can I second that.. Cheers to 'Posivity'...

With that said, I would like to add.. that I have learned alot about my Anger.. About better Communication.. About Respect.. even if its not given.. And Im working so very hard on TRUST..

I too am working on boundaries.. this & trust .. has caused me pain my entire life.. but most of all in this situation..
Reply #7 05/16/08 11:29am

svdbylove

A second thought..

The most important lesson I have learned is not to take any one day w/ my family for granted.. I now live each day as if it were my last day w/ them. I love my DH & my family so very much.. Each day I think about how precious they are to me, and how my life would change if we were not all together.
Reply #8 05/16/08 3:32pm

special3

I'm with svdbylove.....I value every day with my family & will never
take them for granted

Jimmmy...you asked about a chat rm.
someone posted this one..
http://infidelity-help.com/chatroom/
Reply #9 05/16/08 6:18pm

wjztrimmer

I've learned that I was living my own fantasy life. Mine was this magical thinking that problems would go away, that I had certain guarantees in my life, that my wife would never betray me. Magical thinking! Now, as Carol said, I am living in reality. At the same time, I see a lot of good things in this reality.

I've also learned that you can't have secrets if you expect to have a good marriage. I had my own secrets (not cheating) but things that I knew would hurt her. Now, we don't have any secrets.

We've identified the major points of stress in our lives and we're working on new behaviors to deal with those. Lastly, I've learned that I have what it takes to face what used to be my greatest fear: rejection. I feel like I'm an authentic man now...not really afraid of anything.