I am glad I was able to encourage some of you. Today is the two-year anniversary of the day my husband confessed. Funny thing is, it is 7:25 in the evening and this is the first time I thought of it! I did think of the affair a couple of times during the day, unfortunately, but just in passing, and it never occurred to me that today was the anniversary until just now. That is a blessing and shows how far I have come. Anniversaries were very hard for me for a long, long time. I couldn't wait for three months past, I couldn't wait for six months past, one year, and now two years. But no tears today! Yeah!!!
I just want you all to realize that all the emotions you are all going through are ALL normal. The thing that helped me by getting on DS was realizing I wasn't crazy. Well, I take that back. I WAS crazy, but normal under the circumstances. The betrayal of affairs does something to you that nothing else can, and NOBODY understands unless they've been there. In talking to someone who had been through it one day, I said, "I wish I could just go to the mall and not look at every woman there and wonder if her boobs were that big, or if her butt was that big, or if her hair looked like hers." I felt SO crazy for having those thoughts control me, and embarrassed to admit them. But then she said, "Yeah, I still do that." And it had been six months longer for her. I'll never forget that. I thought I was the only one.
Having lost my first husband to death, I realized there were a lot of similiaities in the grieving process. But this has been much worse. But, like I said, time does help the healing process with this, just like it did with my first husband's death. Allow yourselves to grieve. And allow others to help you.
It is still SO fresh for some of you. You can't rush this healing. Seems like sometimes all I did was grit my teeth and bear it until the next month went by. I think after three months I was still walking around in a daze. I don't think I knew if I was coming or going. I even started having panic attacks and couldn't even stay in stores very long. It was like nothing I've ever experienced. But that hasn't happened in a long, long time.
In my job, I hear people testify in a legal setting and one day I heard a woman describe a horrifying accident that she had witnessed and then said her doctor had diagnosed her with post traumatic stress disorder. I had every symptom she had! So don't discount the trauma that you've been through. It is normal. But it WILL get better.
God bless you all! Hang in there. You will start smiling again, and you will look at your husbands again and not think about it. I promise.
Gina
Discussion Topic
Encouragement - Two Years Down
Posted on 05/15/08, 01:32 pm
I haven't been on here in a while. Actually didn't know this new group existed until today. I just wanted to share some encouragement for those of you struggling.
After two years, I wish I could tell you that I have had one full day where my husband's affair hasn't crossed my mind, but I can't. I can tell you that when the thoughts come, they are fairly easily dismissed and I can move my thoughts to other things. I thought I would never get to this point. My husband's affair does not control me anymore. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with, and I've been through some bad stuff in my life. But time does help the healing process, and that's one element of the process that just can't be rushed.
My husband is very good to me. We have a better relationship that we have ever had, and I enjoy spending time with him, and he really acts like he likes being with me, too. Every aspect of our life together is better than it ever was in the first 14 years.
I have to say that if he would have continued in dishonesty and infidelity, I couldn't have done it. And I also have to say that I don't think people can change as much as my husband has without the help of God. It's kind of like an alcoholic or something. They just can't do it by themselves, as much as they want to. I give God the credit and the praise for changing both me and my husband. Lord knows my trying never got me anywhere but deeper in a pit. I had to trust God to do it for me, and He did!
I just wanted to encourage those of you out there that are thinking you will never be whole emotionally. If your husbands are treating you well and your marriage is getting stronger, it will get better. The thoughts won't always torment you, the triggers will still be there, but you will be able to dismiss them more readily and they won't ruin your whole day. And you will actually start having disagreements with your husband and the affair not come up in the conversation. That was one thing that really helped me was to realize that I had just had a disagreement with my husband and it was actually about something OTHER than the affair. I thought that would NEVER happen. But it did.
I also am finally to the point where I'm not obsessed with my looks and insecure about myself as much. I went to bed with makeup on for months and made sure he never saw me messed up in any way. But my security is coming back. Being insecure about myself was a huge struggle. But that gets better, too, just like everything else. I have finally realized that it wasn't about me; it was his problem, and I still have to remind myself of that occasionally. That was a huge hurdle, but I'm almost there.
I hope my words encourage someone else. It HAS been two years for me. A LONG two years. But I'm glad I stayed, my children are not in a broken home, and I can actually say I'm happy. Praise God!!!!
Gina
After two years, I wish I could tell you that I have had one full day where my husband's affair hasn't crossed my mind, but I can't. I can tell you that when the thoughts come, they are fairly easily dismissed and I can move my thoughts to other things. I thought I would never get to this point. My husband's affair does not control me anymore. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with, and I've been through some bad stuff in my life. But time does help the healing process, and that's one element of the process that just can't be rushed.
My husband is very good to me. We have a better relationship that we have ever had, and I enjoy spending time with him, and he really acts like he likes being with me, too. Every aspect of our life together is better than it ever was in the first 14 years.
I have to say that if he would have continued in dishonesty and infidelity, I couldn't have done it. And I also have to say that I don't think people can change as much as my husband has without the help of God. It's kind of like an alcoholic or something. They just can't do it by themselves, as much as they want to. I give God the credit and the praise for changing both me and my husband. Lord knows my trying never got me anywhere but deeper in a pit. I had to trust God to do it for me, and He did!
I just wanted to encourage those of you out there that are thinking you will never be whole emotionally. If your husbands are treating you well and your marriage is getting stronger, it will get better. The thoughts won't always torment you, the triggers will still be there, but you will be able to dismiss them more readily and they won't ruin your whole day. And you will actually start having disagreements with your husband and the affair not come up in the conversation. That was one thing that really helped me was to realize that I had just had a disagreement with my husband and it was actually about something OTHER than the affair. I thought that would NEVER happen. But it did.
I also am finally to the point where I'm not obsessed with my looks and insecure about myself as much. I went to bed with makeup on for months and made sure he never saw me messed up in any way. But my security is coming back. Being insecure about myself was a huge struggle. But that gets better, too, just like everything else. I have finally realized that it wasn't about me; it was his problem, and I still have to remind myself of that occasionally. That was a huge hurdle, but I'm almost there.
I hope my words encourage someone else. It HAS been two years for me. A LONG two years. But I'm glad I stayed, my children are not in a broken home, and I can actually say I'm happy. Praise God!!!!
Gina
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Reply #11 05/17/08 8:44pm
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Reply #12 05/20/08 11:07am
Thank you. I copied your post and sent it to my H. We are 14 months into recovery, and like your H, mine is a changed man. It is so nice to see the validation in your post that my feelings and reactions are normal. I hope we'll get to the point where we don't talk about it EVERY DAY, or when we can fight about something other than "it". Thank you so much for your words of encouragement.
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