I'm so happy for you! Thank you for sharing your story with us.
I agree, God has had a huge part in helping us. Look to him and he will guide your ways!!
Discussion Topic
Encouragement - Two Years Down
Posted on 05/15/08, 01:32 pm
I haven't been on here in a while. Actually didn't know this new group existed until today. I just wanted to share some encouragement for those of you struggling.
After two years, I wish I could tell you that I have had one full day where my husband's affair hasn't crossed my mind, but I can't. I can tell you that when the thoughts come, they are fairly easily dismissed and I can move my thoughts to other things. I thought I would never get to this point. My husband's affair does not control me anymore. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with, and I've been through some bad stuff in my life. But time does help the healing process, and that's one element of the process that just can't be rushed.
My husband is very good to me. We have a better relationship that we have ever had, and I enjoy spending time with him, and he really acts like he likes being with me, too. Every aspect of our life together is better than it ever was in the first 14 years.
I have to say that if he would have continued in dishonesty and infidelity, I couldn't have done it. And I also have to say that I don't think people can change as much as my husband has without the help of God. It's kind of like an alcoholic or something. They just can't do it by themselves, as much as they want to. I give God the credit and the praise for changing both me and my husband. Lord knows my trying never got me anywhere but deeper in a pit. I had to trust God to do it for me, and He did!
I just wanted to encourage those of you out there that are thinking you will never be whole emotionally. If your husbands are treating you well and your marriage is getting stronger, it will get better. The thoughts won't always torment you, the triggers will still be there, but you will be able to dismiss them more readily and they won't ruin your whole day. And you will actually start having disagreements with your husband and the affair not come up in the conversation. That was one thing that really helped me was to realize that I had just had a disagreement with my husband and it was actually about something OTHER than the affair. I thought that would NEVER happen. But it did.
I also am finally to the point where I'm not obsessed with my looks and insecure about myself as much. I went to bed with makeup on for months and made sure he never saw me messed up in any way. But my security is coming back. Being insecure about myself was a huge struggle. But that gets better, too, just like everything else. I have finally realized that it wasn't about me; it was his problem, and I still have to remind myself of that occasionally. That was a huge hurdle, but I'm almost there.
I hope my words encourage someone else. It HAS been two years for me. A LONG two years. But I'm glad I stayed, my children are not in a broken home, and I can actually say I'm happy. Praise God!!!!
Gina
After two years, I wish I could tell you that I have had one full day where my husband's affair hasn't crossed my mind, but I can't. I can tell you that when the thoughts come, they are fairly easily dismissed and I can move my thoughts to other things. I thought I would never get to this point. My husband's affair does not control me anymore. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with, and I've been through some bad stuff in my life. But time does help the healing process, and that's one element of the process that just can't be rushed.
My husband is very good to me. We have a better relationship that we have ever had, and I enjoy spending time with him, and he really acts like he likes being with me, too. Every aspect of our life together is better than it ever was in the first 14 years.
I have to say that if he would have continued in dishonesty and infidelity, I couldn't have done it. And I also have to say that I don't think people can change as much as my husband has without the help of God. It's kind of like an alcoholic or something. They just can't do it by themselves, as much as they want to. I give God the credit and the praise for changing both me and my husband. Lord knows my trying never got me anywhere but deeper in a pit. I had to trust God to do it for me, and He did!
I just wanted to encourage those of you out there that are thinking you will never be whole emotionally. If your husbands are treating you well and your marriage is getting stronger, it will get better. The thoughts won't always torment you, the triggers will still be there, but you will be able to dismiss them more readily and they won't ruin your whole day. And you will actually start having disagreements with your husband and the affair not come up in the conversation. That was one thing that really helped me was to realize that I had just had a disagreement with my husband and it was actually about something OTHER than the affair. I thought that would NEVER happen. But it did.
I also am finally to the point where I'm not obsessed with my looks and insecure about myself as much. I went to bed with makeup on for months and made sure he never saw me messed up in any way. But my security is coming back. Being insecure about myself was a huge struggle. But that gets better, too, just like everything else. I have finally realized that it wasn't about me; it was his problem, and I still have to remind myself of that occasionally. That was a huge hurdle, but I'm almost there.
I hope my words encourage someone else. It HAS been two years for me. A LONG two years. But I'm glad I stayed, my children are not in a broken home, and I can actually say I'm happy. Praise God!!!!
Gina
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Reply #1 05/15/08 2:13pm
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Reply #2 05/15/08 2:21pm
Thanks SO MUCH for those words of encouragement! I really needed that. I'm relatively new in this recovery process, 5 months to be exact. I told my husband last week that I longed for the day that the affair wasn't the first thing I thought about every morning when I wake up, every night before I go to bed, and numerous (at least hourly) times throughout the day. I can tell a difference in the emotions attached with the thoughts - they seem to be more bearable - I get aggravated when I think about it - but the stabbing and nauseating pain have subsided tremendously.
Like yours, my husband has dug deep and has opened his heart to God. He reads the Bible almost every night - He is the one that gets everyone up and going on Sunday for Church, and we are both going to Wed night dinners and a Bible study class. He prays with our children every night before they go to bed, and he talks about his walk with God openly with me. Before the affair, he was out drinking while me and the kids were at church!
Although I know the road is long and hard - and we still have some tough times ahead - it is good to hear something really positive on this site - I was beginning to wonder if I had made the right decision joining because it's a lot of gloom and doom out there for a lot of people. Some stories make me happy because I can say "at least he didn't do THAT to me" and others make mind wonder wildly about whether or not I can trust him.
Congratulations on TWO years! And thanks again for the much needed encouragement! -
Reply #3 05/15/08 6:44pm
What a lovely , encouraging post.It is so helpful for those that are struggling to hear good news... Thank you for checking back in on us here on DS....Things are better in many ways for me...but it is still tough 16 months later....
Praise God for your good news! You are a very kind and forgiving woman...your husband is a very lucky man... -
Reply #4 05/15/08 9:16pm
Thank you for posting. I hope our path will be similar to yours. I truly don't know what tomorrow brings and today was particularly difficult. I will try and hang on. Please come back and post again. I need the inspiration of people like you to help me on this journey. -
Reply #5 05/16/08 12:27am
Bless you, Gina, and your husband, too. May many more years of happiness be yours. You deserve it... -
Reply #6 05/16/08 11:45am
What an encouraging post.. very awesome!!
It really does get better.. and thanks to this site.. I feel much better, than just going at it alone, or just w/ a counselor.. this site has been wonderful at helping usnderstand alot of things.
We have made it through 18 months~~ It been a really long journey ~~
I dont take even one day for grated~~ Im so grateful that we are stronger, and that our family is one.. and seeing our children's laughter & smile warms my heart each and every day.
Im at 80% on my goal of being Happy & Rebuilding by Marriage... & Trust is getting better each passing day..
Thank God for his whispers.. -
Reply #7 05/16/08 12:50pm
Your words are very encouraging. I have not been looking around too much on this site because it brings back too many thoughts of the pain and the betrayal. I found out 38 weeks ago yesterday....and yes I keep up with it. Part of the obsessing I suppose. It is so refreshing to know that there are positive "stories" instead of the stories of those who are just finding out and lashing out. Reliving all of the days of when Ifirst found out is so hard and so painful. I keep telling myself that when I passed week 52...I will be fine. I guess I just need to give myself a goal and reach for it. Our lines of communication are expanding...hope saying that does not jinx things. It is hard for hijm to open up but I think he is trying but like me....is afraid to trust.
The comment you made in your post about feeling secure again really hit home. We were talking last night and I told him that one day with his help....I will be able to feel secure again. He and my children tell me how much I have changed and not in a positive way. They want the "old" me back and so do I but I still fear the rejection, my H leaving me, or the most painful of all....the fear that he will do this to me again.
I can honestly say...that he is trying. But it seems like the more he tries, the more he does....the more I want.Did you go through this? Does this mean that things will get better soon? We are going through some very trying times right now with his children. this is the main topic of conversation that gets him to open up. I ask him if talking things out helps him and he says it does.
This is a long drawn out process and it is SO WONDERFUL to know that there is light at the end of this stormy, dark and sometimes lonely tunnel. I can't thank you enough for giving me hope in this most difficult time of my life. Many Thanks -
Reply #8 05/16/08 2:12pm
Gina,
After a very lengthy reply, I deleted it. What is going on with me? It was a first entry, one where I went through a bit of history of the past few years and mostly about why things happened etc. I suppose those details do not matter, what does, is that you shared some positiveness and I really honed in on that. I have been reading these posts over the past few months, seeking support, wanting to know I am not alone in all of this (my H had recently disclosed his affairs in the beginning of January). Long story short...I am devastated, still feeling hurt, angry, sad, not sleeping well, etc.
I am looking to hear/read about other people's journey through this, and that in fact relationships can flourish and be better than ever and heal. I know I am only four months into it and that the pain I feel is normal. We've been reading 'After the Affair' by J. Springs. It's been helpful. We're in counseling both individually and as a couple. I just want to wake up and not be thinking about it. Not be in a panic. Not wonder what is he doing. Not cry. Not take these feelings and act out as he did. It's like I do ok for a bit and then the realization of it all hits again and I am knocked down a peg or two and thrown back into it all, the being upset, angry, etc.
There's so much more to my life than what he has done. I am taking steps to find myself again. I am rediscovering how my past has an impact on how I am today. I am working on making changes so that if the way I have acted was either dyfunctional or not the way I want to be, I can make real life giving changes that will last. He's working on his own issues and I think because we're both doing this, it is allowing us to see each other as 'humans' and why we have made mistakes or come up short on intimacy etc. This doesn't excuse what he has done, yet when I can look at what he's done through those eyes, it makes some sense to me. The problem is that those 'eyes' of viewing things symbolically only come momentarily and the eyes of hurt, betrayal, anger etc. are more often the ones I use! This is so frustrating. I am not an angry person. Yet this is a feeling I seem to be consumed with lately.
Anyhow, thank you very much for your eyes, and how you are viewing things down the road and how you have not given up. It's encouraging and uplifting. -
Reply #9 05/16/08 2:33pm
Thank you so much GinaB for your encouraging post. It's stories like yours that give others hope for their marriage. It's been a year since D-day for us and we are doing amazingly well. Our faith has grown stronger, we are learning so much about eachother and rebuilding a new marriage. I couldn't have done it without the Grace of God. We still have lots of growing and learning ahead of us but with God in the middle, we are on the right path. Thanks again Gina and I wish you much happiness in your marriage and fututre. -
Reply #10 05/17/08 12:45am
Thanks, I needed this today.
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