Discussion Topic

Repressed anger and resentment

Posted on 05/15/08, 01:20 pm

My H and I are at 4 1/2 months and have been doing really great. He has been very forgiving (I had affair) and we have read and talked and are spending lots of time together. I have this feeling that perhaps it is too good, that perhaps he is repressing some anger and resentment that may surface as he becomes more certain that I am with him to stay and that the OM is out of my life for good. Has anyone else had anger and resentment surface later after they felt like they had forgiven and were moving on? If so, do you have advice on what I could do to help with this if it happens?

Showing 1 - 10 of 15 Replies

Reply #1 05/15/08 2:08pm

tiredinar

Good Question. My H is the same way. I've wondered too if it will surface later.
Reply #2 05/15/08 4:50pm

donnarg

Maybe someone else can reply to this. There are stages of greif that are very similar to what people feel after discoverying infidelity in the relationship. I hope someone can link you to it. But I do believe there is a period of calming or something.
Reply #3 05/15/08 9:05pm

naive1966

You are a very lucky person, if things are going well like you say and it's only been 4 and 1/2 months. Has he gone through the very angry and rageful stage. If not, then brace yourself. If he has, then maybe he truely wishes to be done with it and recognizes your remorse and efforts... which truely you would be blessed. My H was a good person. had a 4 month affair that he ended just before I discovered it and couldn't be more remorseful and most days I still think I could take his death better. This is a man I really loved and our marriage was good at the time of affair... so I thought. Good luck to you. Whatever you are doing may be working...
Reply #4 05/16/08 11:23am

flashbackqueen

I had a major set back at the 5 month mark. I had been so busy with moving, the holidays, our daughter's wedding, that I had stuffed it all down and was really wanting to just forget. With all that was going on, we had a LOT of people around, I was pretending that everything was fine, because I had not told anyone.

Just about 5 months after d-day i totally lost it. It was if it had just happened all over again! The anger, the unbelievable pain, the distrust, the rage, the questions, re reading the cell phone bills, the emails, looking at the 15+ pictures of her I found online.

H got me through it, so did my shrink and the one friend I had told. He was there to apologize a million times, hold me, reassure me, let me vent, scream, cry, say horrible things to him. He went through it all over again with me. It didn't last long, and we came out the other side. The important thing was, he showed me he was still willing to take what ever I had to dish out, and love me. He was willing to prove he was here because this is where he wants to be and he's willing to do whatever it takes to make me feel loved, safe and to forgive him.

If it does happen to you and your H, be prepared to do whatever it takes to reassure him...just like you did 4 1/2 months ago.

Good luck!
Reply #5 05/16/08 11:35am

ibex

Thanks, I will be ready and willing to go through this with him. I have gone through some anger, but not as much as I deserve. 4 1/2 months ago I was going to leave. He was the one who held me, loved me, and asked me to stay. I think he held in most of his anger because he thought it was the only way to save our marriage. We have had evenings of anger, grief, sadness, but we talk about it alot and in between we have lots of love and happiness. I am so glad that I have read the feelings of other betrayed partners and am beginning to understand how long it can take to get over. Otherwise, I think that I would really believe we had gotten past it and not understood that the pain and hurt may last years. It helps me to be patient and understanding and to realize that it is all part of the healing process.
Reply #6 05/16/08 6:25pm

wjztrimmer

i would say that his resentment and anger are not repressed, rather, he's cycling through the process. as the betrayed husband, i have entire weeks where i feel fine (still deal with anxiety) but something triggers my anger and the cycle starts all over again. I've realized that for me, the anger (which is a secondary emotion) is really about fear. When I begin to feel vulnerable with my wife, it feels good at the moment. Usually, the next day, something self-protective kicks in and I feel like a fool for trusting her. That causes me to be afraid and next comes the anger. So, understanding what the anger is about has really helped me. Now, I can come to her and tell her that I'm afraid of her betraying me again and we talk about it.
Reply #7 05/16/08 7:23pm

svdbylove

I can second what mr wjzt~ stated.. things go along fine.. and w/ my H i seen the fear.. and I too experienced the same..

Its hard to accept that things will never be the same.. but we have to also accept that things will be better.. and that we are stronger..
Reply #8 05/16/08 11:44pm

eyesoftheworld

Earlier today I was reading the chapter in the 'After the Affair' book by Janis Springs that talks about forgiveness and healing (it's the second to last chapter in the book) and it mentioned something about when someone forgives too fast and the implications with that. Might be worth a read at the library or book store, or to get a copy of the book and read it thoroughly...great read. My husband and I have been working through it together...bit by bit. Maybe this has happened with your H? Maybe not...
Reply #9 05/17/08 11:29am

christa0307...

Listen... Don't talk, just listen... That works the best when they are hurt and angry. And remember that whatever he says, some of it is true, but any words that he uses to purposely hurt you, that's all they are words! If his words become abusive, it is very important for you to leave the conversation and let him think before engaging into another conversation.
Reply #10 05/17/08 12:08pm

ibex

Thanks everyone, good advice. He was upset last night and did say a few harsh things, but not abusive, just tough. He apologized after which I appreciate, and I did tell him that it is OK for him to let these feeling out sometimes because forgiving doesn't mean forgetting and I want to know how he is feeling. I just have to get over feeling like the victim when his feeling come out and remember how much I have put him through.