I have had a rough couple of weeks and still struggle but even in the midst of struggles I have my faith and have to keep putting my trust in God that he will make things right. I wrote some of this to someone else but I feel that this is from my heart and may pertain to others.



I do have trouble with trusting but I have come a long way the last year. I have questioned God so much, but I also know that he is the key to my survival. I think I realize now that what I have been through has helped me to be the person I am today. I am a giving person and have such a desire to see people healed emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I feel that my calling today is to minister to leaders and to ministers because those positions are the loneliest. I feel these people need a safe person they can go to without judgement. I have found such pain even in them. I hear the phrase that God is made strong in our weakness. This means that when we are weak and we realize we can't do anything without him, he intervenes and works miracles through you. I see God bringing people even young people in my life and they seem drawn to me and I know that it is just God working through me and I am blessed to be used by Him. I used to think that I wasn't worth anything and that God couldn't use me, but I see that happening before my eyes. The truth is I am nothing without God. I know that God didn't cause the abuse in our lives, but I feel that we have a choice what we do with it. I choose to make a difference in someone else. I chose to love them like I wasn't. I chose to give them something I never had. Who would I be if those things had not happened? Probably not the person I am today. But now I can use those aweful things that happened and turn it into something good and reach out to others. I believe that those chains can be broken in others.



I used to hate my dad so much. I came to a point where all I could do was cry out for his soul because no matter what he did I still loved him. I loved him to his death bed and felt peace as he went to eternity. I don't know if he came to know God but I do know that I made peace within because I felt I had did what I needed to do for me. I have no regrets and I have forgiven him. I took care of things before he died so I have no "what ifs." I believe so many times Satan throws things our way to get us off track, to cause us to fear, to cause us to not trust and to cause us to blame God. He wants to keep us at that point because he knows that if you see the strength you have in God, you will move mountains. You will be a threat. I refuse to let Satan win. I think from the very beginning, Satan is out to destroy us even from infancy because we are a threat.



I have also realized that it is ok to be transparent. It does open yourself up to potentially getting hurt, but people trust those who are transparent because people really do want to trust. Since I have been at this church, I have had some youth trying to turn other youth against me but its not working. I think it is because I let God fight my battles and others see me through my transparency and don't believe the one's saying things. I expect an attack of the enemy because I am doing what I am supposed to do. Don't let Satan put road blocks in front of your calling. Break them down. Find out what your passion is and strive to do what you are called to do. Don't push it away because you are angry with anyone, but take hold of the reigns and hold on.