Body language says a lot lv....sometimes it says "i have gone though this myself and am not so comfortable with listening to it again." Then other times you are right....people dismiss it all together as though it is your own fault and you have an easy way out.
I do not fault anyone for anything in life.... what happens is a life experience. It happen to a person and they wont allow it to ever happen to them again. If they do...the circumstances will surely be different.
Your friend may not have been ready to hear such things and not ready to deal with them. Maybe she thought she could at first and then realized it was just more than she could handle...so she turned it back on you. That happens a lot and some people feel as though you are "dumping on them." That is what friends are supoposed to be for i thought....to lean on when needed.
This lady reminds me of someone who has a picture perfect marriae in her own mind...yet maybe wishes it were better sercretly. The best thing is to talk to those who have been there for you from beginning to end.
Discussion Topic
Considered stupid for being a victim of abuse?
Posted on 04/12/08, 08:46 pm
Today I visited a lady which I met in church and had confided my problems about my abusive ex boyfriend, I had to, I felt in desperated need of an ear. So, trying to me nice, she invited me to her home and she was quite nice, but what she was telling me with body language, and some parts of her language was; I should be more like her in maturity, and only stupid women get into these kind of relashionships. I felt very uneasy at her home and really wanted to leave, yet I did not want to be rude and stayed for a while. How dare her consider me stupid or imature for being in a relashionship I did not want or was not my fault, if she knew that some women who have been batered have been traumatized in previous relashionships and that like me, I have a problem diferenciating touch of any kind as well as feelings, among several other things that caused this toxic relashionship. Does any one feel the same way? In the way we are treated as a victims?
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Reply #1 04/12/08 8:55pm
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Reply #2 04/12/08 8:59pm
I have not been considered stupid for being a vitim of abuse, but I have been made to feel terrible for considering divorce. I vowed to stay with this man until death do us part when I married him, but I did not know that I would be put through this hell, that I would be a vitim of abuse. I just have to let that person have their opinion, and move on with my life, the way I see fit. For me that means getting out of this abusive marriage, and moving on with my life.
Don't let this person get to you, you are not stupid, they are just master manipulators! IT is not like the abuse happens over night, it is a gradual process over periods of months or years. Gradually getting worse as time goes on. You did not ask for this, and you cirtainly did not want this. Don't let this person get to you! You are not stupid, you are human. -
Reply #3 04/12/08 9:04pm
I wish the right words were flowing tonight so i could say them properly. They just aren't coming to mind with the feeling that i have for your situation. I am sorry i can't say things properly tonight. :( -
Reply #4 04/12/08 9:37pm
I am sorry for this woman's reaction. There are an awful lot of people that wish they could do something for us and then when the moment comes - they just can't. They don't get it. They never will. Unless you have experienced abuse it just makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. This is probably where she found herself when you opened up to her. She wanted so badly to do something, but when the opportunity presented itself she flubbed it.
Yes revictimizing us is common. So is victim-blaming. How many of us have heard Why did you stay so long, I would never have put up with that, You must have liked something about it since you didn't leave. It's all the same thing sweetie. Words spoken by people who have no clue. -
Reply #5 04/13/08 8:22am
mmmmm..this made me think quite a bit. I HOPE that my family and friends dont consider me stupid for being the victim of abuse, I certainly dont get that impression from them. I am a victim of abuse....I am the innocent party, in my case. I, however, would consider MYSELF stupid for being this victim, I am STUPID because I didnt see it coming, because I was blinded by love. So, far from others thnking I am stupid, that thought is only created by myself and a very hard one to deal with. -
Reply #6 04/14/08 9:30am
these are assumptions...please remember that. She invited you to her home which showed a kind gesture on her part. Maybe she couldn't handle the abuse story...some people really just don't know how to react. Maybe she was in disbelief...it is so hard for others to relate when they haven't walked in your shoes. But please don't assume she thought you were stupid. That is negative self talk that you certainly don't deserve. I have found that many people can't listen to my stories and it took awhile to accept that. I tell my stories where it is safe...my therapist, a few close friends or on DS. As hard as it is...don't internalize this woman's reaction. It has nothing to do with the abuse you suffered, and everything to do with her lack of knowledge and understanding. -
Reply #7 04/14/08 9:55am
The reason why I thought that was because she set an example of a relashionship her daughter had and then said : I don't know how woman can be so stupid, and then continued. -
Reply #8 04/14/08 10:22am
The only thing stupid about this is the womans reaction!!!
I have come across this many times, ya know the same old "well he cant be as bad as you say if you keep going back" kinda thing.
People who react this way are people who havent taken the time to understand abuse in the way we do. It is pure ignorance.xxx -
Reply #9 04/14/08 11:20am
ahhhh....my apologies!!! She's ignorant and leave it at that. I understand how you felt. She extended her home, and you trusted her. The only person in this situation acting stupid was her. -
Reply #10 07/23/08 1:01pm
'bump'
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