I guess I just realized that my abuse was by two women. From 7-14 our live in house keeper and male doer did me on a frequent basis. backrup ending with a happy ending. at one point i told my mother who did nothing so at that age i assumed the action was love normal and expected. only at 14 when she sent me to get a condom from my fathers stash did i stop and think that my first time should not be with a mexican maid. i told her i could not do it with her. i was ostrasized by her from that moment on. she was basically my mother and giver of sexual stimulation and now ignored me because i would not screw her. she had in the past told me she did my dad and grandfather, how big my dad was, and if i told anyone she would lose her job and be sent back to mexico. guilt trip on me. she was a master. later i found out she did the same with my brother who now should be institutionalized, but that is not my fight to fight, my plate is full.i consider my mother an accompliss since she did nothing. in 197 my dad died, i was executor of the estate, and she sued me over money issues with the estate, 2 weeks after starting my new job, following being the only one to take car of him for 3 years. that abuse came me a social anxiety disorder that i just last august over came after going through 12 weeks of intense therapy to face my past abuse, process it, and work through it. angry yes. but i forgave all after learning this may help, and it did. it is now on them. thank god for my wife and DS and my shrink. thank god 2 years ago, as i commonly did, while remembering those backrubs and happy endings, i for the first time thought 'holy shit-i was a child-that was wrong, that was fucked up, that went on for years'. then reading a year later in THE GIFTED CHILD that untill victims of abuse face it and work through it, they will never have a normal life and move on. she was right. i am better now, probably better than most of the popultion for having to go through what i went through.

thank you for starting this room. i feel better now.