Was I writing in English? The forst sentance should be: I AM ANGRY AT THE MOMENT AT SOME OF THE HYPOCRISY (I THINK) I SEE ON SOME OF THE MESSAGE BOARDS.
"IS THERE" not "IS THEIR"
Jeez. Sorry ...
Discussion Topic
Gee, I wanna' keep the marriage & always be the one who is right (because they cheated)
Posted on 07/23/08, 03:14 pm
I am angry the moment at some of the hypocrisy I (think)see on some of the message boards. But how do I know if I'm just not an awful humanbeing looking for self-justification?
Do betrayed spouses just get a pass on understanding forever, or is their a statute of limitations?
Do they want their spouses back or just a punching bag? As I see alot of the punching bag mentality out there. There ARE other atrocities in marriages besides betrayal.
I dunno' I'm slightly steamed, and pretty confused ...
Do betrayed spouses just get a pass on understanding forever, or is their a statute of limitations?
Do they want their spouses back or just a punching bag? As I see alot of the punching bag mentality out there. There ARE other atrocities in marriages besides betrayal.
I dunno' I'm slightly steamed, and pretty confused ...
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Reply #1 07/23/08 3:18pm
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Reply #2 07/23/08 3:19pm
Oh, hell, I give up! FOST?????! (first). -
Reply #3 07/23/08 4:02pm
I think most of the people who post on the infidelity board are angry and have been hurt. Cheating, and therefore cheaters, is the thing that has hurt them so much that they want to vent and lash out about it. Every marriage, every story, has so much more to it and nothing is black and white. When I read some of the posts on there, I feel like their marriages do not have a hope of working out, not necessarily because of the cheating, but because of the attitude you are talking about. -
Reply #4 07/23/08 4:58pm
You know, I think you have to read these things in the proper context and realize that each and every post here only provides a snapshot glimpse into someone else's life. By no means is an angry jilted spouse going to remain an angry jilted spouse the rest of his/her life. That's just who they are when they happen to post something that you've read.
I think most people end up coming here where the hurt is still pretty raw and end up saying some things that might surprise them if they were to read back their remarks five years from now.
There are things that bother me about some posts in general, but what you complain of Yorick isn't one of them. -
Reply #5 07/23/08 9:12pm
Alas, poor Yorick...I tend to agree with you. There is an attitude among SOME of the betrayed that ALL cheaters are alike, and ALL cheaters are liars, and ALL cheaters deserve to be treated like crap, and ALL affairs are the same...and, perhaps worst of all, that the affairs happened in a vacuum, and are indicative only of the faults of the cheater.
Yep. I have faults. But there were problems in my marriage that I didn't cause by myself, and I couldn't fix by myself.
I stopped looking at the Infidelity boards because I felt such unbridled anger toward me personally, and I have my own issues to resolve. I don't need to constantly defend myself against people who know nothing about my life or circumstances and yet find it appropriate to tie me to the stake verbally. It's why I appreciate this group so much. I have learned and grown a lot as a result of things I have learned from people on here.
Stay, friend...you are welcome. -
Reply #6 07/25/08 9:56am
O.K. Thanks all. Some days it's almost too hard to go on feeling like no matter what you do it will be wrong. This is the biggest weakness with the message boards I think -- right when you need to see something good somebody goes on a huge rant and eighty other pissed-off people jump on board until it becomes a cybermob. I know it's human nature ... but ... being tarred and feathered every other week has limited appeal.
I still truely believe that marriage is a difficult state at times and people handle it wrong out of their ignorance or their lonliness or their frustration. I don't think cheating is right, or excusable -- but didn't alot of us stumble into it almost absent-mindedly? Stupid? yes! Had I really understood the pain it would cause my wife -- it never would have happened. Too late now. But I'm praying it can be fixed honorably. (Yes, even a person who'se lost honor can at least behave honorably).
Again -- thanks. -
Reply #7 07/25/08 12:17pm
Yorick, I'm not sure what your history is, but if you were the spouse that strayed, then yeah, I completely understand your frustration with the Infidelity forum. That forum is most definitely pro-cheated-on and very anti-cheater. It's not the place to go for a remorseful, recovering cheater.
But this place, I think, is pretty good for that. At least that what it seems like. I was the cheated-on spouse, myself, but I get frustrated with the mob mentality and pure emotionalism over there that I find it's easier to talk to people here, too. -
Reply #8 07/25/08 12:21pm
.. not only behave honorable.. but be an honorable person..
im reading a book right now called: Why Good People Do Bad Things by Debbie Ford.
Very interesting book so far, i've only made it through a few chapters.
It talks about that we must process through all of this, and get past our shame in order to keep from repeating the destructive behavior..
Infidelity is only one of many things that people do to ruin themselves.. it says in the book so far that its not an intentional thing that people do to set out to ruin their lives, and the lives of their loved ones.. I guess its talking about that fog..
im not always the best at explaining things.. so bear w/ me..
I will share more while im reading..
I found this book in the library.. it explains alot so far..
Because i've always wondered why i get myself into some of the types of messes that i find myself in.. and things that i ultimately caused.. -
Reply #9 07/25/08 12:59pm
Thanks Frank & SVD.
My history? Yeech. Both my wife and I had jumped the fence earlier in our marriage. 16 years ago we had to decide to be grown-ups and we did become grown-ups. But I think we drifted. A little over two years ago I had an emotional affair with a friend -- it could have gone physical -- we'll never know as her husband found out. N/C worked for awhile but crashed in the confusion in the Cloud Chamber (fog). My wife is devestated ... trust issues, broken heart, family issues from the past resurfacing. We're trying -- I'm trying -- she's trying, but the damage was huge and reconciliation is difficult. We're having lots of problems with forgiveness and trust. Married 23 years, no kids.
SVDBYLOVE! Keep us posted on the book.
Thanks y'all ... -
Reply #10 08/04/08 1:28pm
I feel that my H is trying but it is hard for me b/c up until 2 months ago something new would pop up that he should have told me about. You can look at my journal "promise" so far nothing else has surfaced and I think after that he realized that as hard as it would be for me that I would move on without him or he has gotten very sneaky. Did any of you keep secret things such as email accounts but yet you still wanted your SO and if so why?
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