ubdiver

question for you all...mainly to the woman

Posted on 07/17/08, 11:16 am

Are there any woman out there that had an affair(not just a one night stand), and their husband forgave them and/or trying to work it out. My husband found out about my affair...after I had ended it. He doesn't think that it ended when it did because the OM was still calling me. Right now he feels like a divorce has to happen but he still loves me and would love to be with me but he is not sure he can get past what happened. He feels like he could have gotten over a one night stand, but the fact that I was emotionally involved is what is killing him. Was there anything that you did to help rebuild that trust? I feel so horrible for what i have done, I never thought I would do anything like this, I just feel like I lost myself for a about a month and a half. He won't even believe that me and the guy were only physical 3x.(not that makes it better or anything). I'm telling him the truth and right now he just won't believe me. I would just like to hear other peoples stories I guess.

• Reply #1 07/17/08  11:39am
  
  ibex
  Yes, I was emotionally and physically involved with someone else. My husband and I are staying together and working it out. It is difficult for my H as well, but we have been married for 28 years and have four children. I think that he is just not willing to give that up and he believes that he is a much better man for me than OM is. We are working on the rebuilding of trust. We spend most of our time together now. We have read through some books on recovering from an affair and on communication and working to improve marriage. For us it has been 7 months and we are still working at it. I don't know how long it has been for you, but I would suggest you get some counselling and read some books. It may take quite some time before your H will believe that you are telling him the truth. You need to make your life completely transparent right now. Give him access to your cell, you email, let him know where you are all the time, and make sure you tell him the truth about everything.
• Reply #2 07/17/08  3:22pm
  
  FrankLawyer
  He's not ready to hear the things you're saying, ubdiver. In my case, I wasn't ready until we started going through counseling together and I really began to understand what led to her affair.
  
  I don't know what it will take for your H to get to a point where he's ready to listen, really listen, to what you're saying. But I hope he gets there soon, since that's what you want.
• Reply #3 07/17/08  4:19pm
  
  pixie0413
  I've posted my story several times. For you I would say the greatest gift you can give him right now is time, patience, assurance of love/remorse, and the knowledge that you are doing some serious self reflection to figure out what got you in the affair in the first place.
  
  As much as it hurt, reading the infidelity boards really gave me a sense of what my SO was going through after I cheated on him. To me, my affair had nothing to do with him, but in his eyes my actions spoke greater than any words I uttered. I had betrayed, lied, and degraded him publicly as well as privately. It's a pretty hard pill to swallow.
  
  i agree w/ Frank, he's going to have to go through this on his own time table.
• Reply #4 07/18/08  9:35am
  
  needhelp62
  Pixie0413,
  thank you for your post. I hear that so many times ' the affair had nothing to do with you. i was just greedy.'
  
  Can you please explain? When you lie and stab me in the back to get away from me to be with someone else....then you say it had nothing to do with me. Those of us who are cheated on take it personally..But he tells me all the time " stop making this about you, it had NOTHING to do with you. it was me and my flaws."
  
  Pixie, please help me with this. How you can he put me out of mind and forget about me completely in order to be with her one night and me the next. I really need to hear from you.
• Reply #5 07/18/08  7:26pm
  
  pixie0413
  Needhelp, I'm going to work right now, but I promise to get on late tonight and write you a response.
  
  I might end up sending you an email. Maybe you'll understand and maybe I'll make a mess of it. I'll try either way. Later.
• Reply #6 07/19/08  2:02am
  
  pixie0413
  Needhelp. In the very midst of the affair, my thoughts were as follows. I cared about Mike. I cared about his well being, his feelings, cared about what he thought of me. However, I had needs that I wanted meet... mainly sexual of nature... intellectually we bumped head but overall I was satisfied. My needs overroad my caring of Mike. So many things I wanted more in a relationship and I felt so much I sacraficed yet I couldn't see how he sacraficed in return. I didn't know how to communicate... more importantly I was able to compartmentalize my life. Mike had his good points, my SO had his good points. Only after the affair did I realize that my biggest mistake was looking for esteem and love from everyone but me. My esteem was broken and as such... a huge problem was figuring out how I could make ME happy. Not how A or B or C would fix all my problems.
  
  This is a strange comparision but my behavior reminds me of being an adolecent. I loved my parents... however I as many teenagers rebelled against them many times. I did things I knew would hurt them because I was trying to find myself outside of their expectations of me. When your teenagers lie and go to a party with friends, it isn't always because she hates her parents, but that she is being selfish and want to have fun w/ peers. They want to experience new things and figure out who they are in life.
  
  My affair was in many respects rebeling against the direction Mike and I were going in. I had forgotten at times the reasons I was with him but sometimes I could remember. Just enough to not want to leave. Just enough to only want to experiment/ not part ways. I never wanted him to not be a part of my life. Seperating the two, my life and my affair was natural as going from swimming to walking on dry land. They were two things, each independent.
  
  What is sad is that looking back I see how carless and stupid my behavior was in actuality. How calculating and unkind. An affair can't be about anyone but you because YOU are the only person you are thinking of when it's going on. If you think about anyone else (family, friends, society) it is essential to maintaining the affair to be able to rationalize in some shape. (either through blame or seperation or simply blocking comparision)
  
  Anyway, I decided to write this here incase anyone else can put their own ideas or words on this better than my own attempt. I really can't explain it exactly other than if you can think of one time that you did something that you knew everyone around you would think you were a bad person (including yourself) for doing it but yet you did it anyway because you simply wanted to see what it was like.
• Reply #7 07/19/08  9:30am
  
  needhelp62
  Thank you pixie0413. that helps a bit, but it still hurts that he went after someone else and never one time told me he was dissatisfied with anything in our relationship. It was careless, calculating, unkind and stupid, as you say and the damage he has done is unfixable.
• Reply #8 07/19/08  11:15am
  
  svdbylove
  im going to have to read a few books, because the affairs that I dont understand are the ones where the spouse never tells the other one there was a problem to begin with.. they never peep a word of dis-satisfaction..
  
  This did not apply to my own situation but as I get to know many of you, I really want to understand what happened.. It breaks my heart on these boards when I read about spouses who are betrayed who never even seen it coming.. who were 'honestly' doing fine..
  I know sometimes sex addiction is the root, and that defines a somewhat reasonable cause .... but still.. it breaks my heart when i read those stories.. I really do want to understand those types of A'.
• Reply #9 07/19/08  12:48pm
  
  ubdiver
  Okay I understand that you guys are trying to figure out why us "cheaters" did what we did. Some of us are not cruel evil people that does this over and over. I am using this support group to try and figure out why I did what I did. What I did is not really who i am. The ultimate act that i did was 100% my fault, i have owned up to that. But there is a reason why I went to another man, mine was more emotional and then i took it too far. I started by taking it to far when I began the friendship. We are not all sex addicts, I don't know your situation and I'm sorry for your situation. I was just looking for a little help to try and figure out why I did what i did. I'm sorry if I am sounding mean right now, I'm just frustrated that I ask for help and end up once again being called a sex addict. I feel like you came on hear to make us feel bad, if you meant to or not. I already feel like the worse person again and I've apologized so many times to every person in my life. I am not coming on here to this group to apologize for my actions to anyone, that apology belongs only to my husband. I came on here to figure out why I did what I did. I may be way off base with my response, and I know that it may make people mad, which I accept. I'm just very frustrated and can't stop hurting...and yes I know that I caused this hurt and pain, i've made my bed and now I need to lay in it. Really I guess what I am saying don't take my response personally svdbylove, its really purely out of frustration with the whole situation...not really about your response.
• Reply #10 07/19/08  1:18pm
  
  pixie0413
  Svdbylove, was a cheater too Ubdiver. Perhaps if you know that it'll help you see her post in another light. I truly do not believe she would even begin to suggest you were a sex addict.
  
  I responded here because like you, my OM still tries to contact me. It's a struggle still and we all struggle with guilt, shame, and a need to be understood. Sometimes it helps to explain not only to fellow cheaters but also the betrayed why we cheated. It makes you see it though another light. If you are not ready for that, don't worry. It'll come eventually. Hugs and don't give up! You are wanted here.
  
  Hopefully other cheaters will share soon.

For those who are done with their affair and want to make things better. Please be respectful of others in your posts. Rants, tirades, replies that are off topic, etc. will be deleted.