Everything is going to be alright. It happens to me all the time. My mom has been gone six months. It hits me like a ton of bricks out of left field all the time. When I go to her grave, I sit and talk, when it's time to leave I ball my eyes out. Like I don't want to leave her. I have to remind myself she is not there, she is everywhere I am, with me always. I miss my mom so very much. I know how you feel and your not alone. I hope you can be strong.
Hugs, Nat
Discussion Topic
Break down at her grave site....
Posted on 08/18/08, 03:58 pm
Today makes 4 months since losing my mom to cancer. I thought I was handling it pretty well until I went to her grave this past Sunday. I bought her a white rose and laid a small note on her head stone. I usually talk a little with her and tell her how much I miss her. Then when I got in the car I just broke down and couldn't stop crying. I cried for the all the time I've lost with her. I cried for all those moments I can never get back. I stayed in the car crying for 20 solid minutes. I couldn't even see the road in front of me. I felt the same pain I felt on that first day. I know I will always feel this way but it was very unnerving because I thought I was doing so well. Even laughing and smiling again. This just came way out of left field. Has anyone else had this happen? I just need someone to tell me everything's gonna be alright.
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Reply #1 08/18/08 4:07pm
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Reply #2 08/18/08 4:28pm
I'm having one of those days today too. I hear it goes on forever, but the good days in between will lengthen. I feel your pain. -
Reply #3 08/18/08 4:33pm
When my mom passed in 2001 she wanted her body donated to science and then cremated.. Well, it took me and my brother a while to decide and actual be able to spread her ashes... in fact we spread them on 10/15/2002. Well, I would visit her when i would travel back to KC about once a month and it was always really hard to leave. Then in 2003, we moved to florida and didnt return home for over 2 years. When I went back to her site... I sat there and cried and talked and I beleive I was there for more than an hour. It was unreal the connection that I had felt for her at that point in time... It was like when I was talking to her the wind would blow and I would feel her arms around me just hugging me and surrounding me totally! I finally decided that I had tortured myself or had a long enough illusion that it was time to go... I physically could not take myself from that place... I ended up having to call my husband from my care... a crying hysterical mess and had him talk me away from there. I still get the chills and long to go back as often as I can just to have that feeling. So... leaving if yes one of the hardest things to do! UNDERSTOOD COMPLETELY! -
Reply #4 08/18/08 4:43pm
everything will be ok , it will always be tuff god i lost mines 7 years ago this november and i still have bad days !! sending you hugs xx -
Reply #5 08/18/08 7:03pm
I too feel like I'm leaving my mom "there" at her grave, and worse yet, she hated that graveyard....we don't have many choices here and her parents are buried in the one she's at so we chose that one. I hate leaving her there.... -
Reply #6 08/19/08 9:51am
i hate the part where i have to leave her 'resting place' also...thats a very very painful part.
Hugs
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Reply #7 08/19/08 11:51am
I lost my mum 4 years ago and i still cry everyday...i visit her a lot and i always cry at the thought of going away and leaving her there...it's a very very hard thing to do and also i think very sad..hugs x -
Reply #8 08/19/08 11:55pm
I call it the tsunami. I never know when it is going to hit me.
It may be at the grave site or just anywhere.
It has been over 2 years now, so it happens less frequently, but it does still happen as though I have just lost her all over again.
Love & Hugs,
Gracie
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Reply #9 08/20/08 7:22am
Dear Lynn -
This has me worried, as my Mom's one-year anniversary is about two weeks away, and I have no way of knowing what will happen then. I thought my meltdown would come once I saw her name on the stone - but that didn't happen. Like yourself - just staying there for 20 minutes in the car - I don't want to leave. But strangely I feel less than I did when Mom and I used to visit my grandmother at the same grave (a grandmother I never met). Why don't I feel her? Can it be they didn't put her there? The grave wasn't ready and they made me leave her behind in a chapel. All that keeps coming back is how badly her wake/funeral went (start to finish) - and I'm numb except for tears. The first time I nearly collapsed/broke was walking out of that chapel - not leaving her in her resting place. I shouldn't have left.
Like yourself, I smile at work - no one would know. I put on a good act until I get home. Home - the home my mother made for me. Empty now without her. The bedroom with her hospital bed now gone - a room filled with her pictures but minus HER. My arms ache to hold her.
Have we had this happen? And how, Lynn. Just at different times. I'm sorry that you had to drive home alone - in tears - dangerous to drive that way. (Although I've had someone driving me, I'll admit I've wanted to visit Mama alone and be with her = sit with her awhile.) I always feel I'm holding someone up waiting. If that happens to you again - you cry it out - don't drive until the tears stop. Keep your driving safe - cry all you need to but keep yourself safe, as your Mom surely would want. I'm weeping after reading your post. -
Reply #10 08/22/08 8:35am
I want to thank all of you for your kind words and for sharing both your pain and strength with me. I've never known a pain as bad as losing my mother. I never thought I would have to live without her. I still see her smiling face every time I close my eyes and it kills me not to be able to have her here. I'm sure all of you feel the same way. It's terrible that we have to meet like this but I'm so thankful that I have you all to help me. Thanks again. Love you all.
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